Timekeeping

I once believed that the more I have to do, the more I get done.

That was true when I had a tight schedule and needed to work what I wanted to do into a life filled with other people and obligations. I found time to spend with family and friends, time to take care of a house, time to work outside the home, and time to go back to school.

Now I have too much unstructured time and too many choices.

Over the past three years I have found ways to fill my days. There is always something to do.

There are chores and errands and projects, sleeping and eating and exercising, writing and reading and sewing, bookkeeping, movie viewing, and spending time with other people.

I was able to fit things in where there was time. If something came up that wasn't on the calendar, I moved my time around and made room. I stayed up late when I wanted and got up early when necessary.

I haven't had a set routine and my schedule has been flexible.

Now I want to add structure to my days.

I am having a hard time.

It sounds ridiculous, but I have too many choices about how to plan my days. There is no framework to start with. It's up to me to decide when to schedule what and how to set priorities. I want to keep doing everything I have been doing, and I want to start doing things I've never done before.

I am buried in paperwork. It seems like the more I try to streamline record keeping, the more there is to keep track of. I have invested in "Quicken for Home and Business" but have yet to find time to install it, and then I need to figure out how to use it. I need to get my business files organized, which will be easier once I get Quicken up and running.

I am tired of cleaning and cooking, but I like a clean house and balanced meals.

Keeping a house for two people isn't much different than keeping house for five people. The same things need to be done regardless of how many people are around, but there are fewer people to help with what needs to be done.

The other side of that coin is that now there are three family members living elsewhere, people I like a lot and want to spend time with when they are available. I have always made time for my kids. Now the need is for chunks of time instead of time distributed over weeks and months. Since time together is harder to come by, it matters that I am able to change plans and be available.

The irony is that since I don't have a job outside the home, until now I have moved around what I have to/want to get done to meet the time constraints of everyone else.

Now I need to consider what it means to be self-employed.

I am frustrated. I don't know what to do first. I am not even sure what I want.

Sigh.

Here I Go....

Today is the day I said I would introduce my business.

I still don't have all the details worked out, but I may never have everything exactly the way I want it.

I just need to take the leap and plan to make adjustments as I go along.

Drum roll please....

My business is Naturally Intimate Linens, which produces eco-friendly textiles for sale in my etsy store.

I have started another blog where I will journal about the business as it grows and the products as they are created.

That blog is called Naturally Intimate Moments. It will be there that I will write about what I learn, what comes to mind as I work to create products, and what those new products are all about. I invite you to visit there and let me know what you think.

If I wait until I am totally ready, I will never do this. I will continue to share the bumps in the road of life here ~ this place will continue to be more about my day-to-day journey.

Ready, set, go!

T Minus Six Days

It's official: yesterday I attended the third and final follow-up session of the entrepreneurship skills class I took last fall. There were seven of the original fifteen of us there yesterday; some people have found employment and all of us are in varying stages of getting our businesses up and running.

New Ventures. That is the name of the course, one of the many programs offered through the Maine Centers for Women, Work, and Community, which originated in 1978 as a program for displaced homemakers. Displaced homemaker is an outdated term. It used to refer to women who were separated or divorced, women who were starting over.

I am not separated or divorced, but I am starting over.

In December I saw the movie Everybody's Fine at the theater. On Monday I watched it again on DVD. Frank Goode, the main character played by Robert DeNiro, has retired from his job. His wife has died, and Frank is trying to stay connected with his four children. He has a conversation with his daughter Rosie, played by Drew Barrymore:

Rosie: What about your plans? What did you want to be when you were my age?
Frank: I didn't have any plans. I just wanted to hold down a job and find somebody crazy enough to marry me....
Rosie: So there wasn't anything you wanted to achieve?
Frank: Nah, I didn't really think much about it. Never really gave it much thought. All I wanted to do was just be a good father.

I know what he means.

I can identify with Frank, who is doing the best he can to find his way. He needs to figure out what comes after the role of fatherhood has been fulfilled.

I am finding a new place. My own personal venture is about to begin.

Target date: March 30, 2010.

Maine Balsam Fir

I met a remarkable woman yesterday. She spoke during the second follow-up session for my entrepreneurship skills class.

In 1983 Wendy Newmeyer started a business. She and her husband, Jack, had moved to western Maine six years earlier, and they were running out of money. They had acres and acres of Maine balsam fir trees and sold the fir as raw material. Then Wendy got an idea ~ she could make small pillows, filled with the balsam fir, to sell in local stores. She spent two days a week traveling to stores to ask if they would sell her products. The rest of the week she worked twenty hours a day making pillows.

Today her business, Maine Balsam Fir Products, is an example of what's possible when someone has a vision and the determination to make it real.

Wendy works hard, enjoys what she does, changes what stops working, has developed an incredible sense for business, schedules time to do what she loves, and is willing to share everything she knows with prospective small business owners.

She held me and my classmates spellbound with her stories of success and failure. She shared moments when opportunities seemed to fall in her lap, as well as disappointments that didn't keep her down. It was easy to see that her sense of humor, optimism, work ethic, and can-do attitude are elements of her success.

Wendy began her talk with a question: why are people so afraid of failure? She didn't have an answer because she doesn't understand that fear. Wendy didn't have the luxury of fretting about whether or not she could make a go of her business idea. She and her husband were living on $500 a month and weren't sure they would be able to stay in the Maine woods that they loved so much.

Wendy had an idea, found a way to make it work, and today is recognized as one of the state's most successful small business owners. She is proud of her business, enjoys travel with her husband, and talks about ideas for future products.

All of us were inspired by Wendy's story. She stressed that each of us has a unique path to follow. The bottom line is that it is up to each one of us to find a way to make our idea work. We can't know everything before we start, and we will make mistakes. We will learn along the way, ask for help when we need it, and keep going if we want to succeed.

Wendy invited us to visit her store and factory in West Paris, Maine. I plan to take her up on that invitation once the roads have recovered from winter's frost heaves. I think by spring I will be ready for another shot of inspiration.

The Next 54

I think middle-age begins at 30 and ends at 70.

My husband thinks that's funny.

I tell him that I plan to live to be 100, so I consider middle-age to be the middle 40 years.

Because I am now a little more than halfway through middle-age, I need all the years I can get to do all I want to do.

I still want a  job.  When I look back at all the letters of application and resumes I have sent out in the last two years, it makes me want to cry.  I have exhausted all my resources, have even applied to some places more than once, so it's time to stop.  I am deeply disappointed, but it's time to move on.

I am almost ready to announce my small business.  It has been two steps forward and one step back, but I have made progress.  I am staying with it because nothing else has come to fruition. I have no excuse not to keep working at it.

I look back at posts from a year ago and remember where I thought I was headed.

The course has changed.  

The destination is unknown.

The journey continues....  

Lessons In Quilting

I started the day thinking that the last thing I need to be working on right now is a quilt.

I have always found a way to fill my days.

I am never bored.

Now I want to make room in my days to do things I haven't done before.

So why did I start making a quilt?

By mid-morning I figured it out ~ the answer lies in the process.

Start with a big idea.

Create the pieces that will make the whole.

Make a plan. Make changes.

Be flexible. Have patience.

Begin at the beginning and keep going.

Line things up.

Leave some wiggle room.

Take time to appreciate the details.

Celebrate incremental successes.

I have discovered the blueprint for making room for what comes next.

Is It Time?

Early in December, not long after my last job interview, I was talking to a friend on the phone. We have been friends for forty years, and it's safe to say she knows me almost as well as I know myself.

I said that if the job didn't come through I was going to have to do something different in the new year.

She said yeah, she'd heard that before. She said that's the same thing I said last year.

I hate when that happens, when a friend zaps me with the truth at close range.

She was right. I knew it.

We had this conversation just before my presentation for the entrepreneurship skills class I took last fall. The last class was December 15, the day I was scheduled to share my business plan with classmates.

My presentation went very well, better than I expected. My plan was commended for its detail and conciseness, although a three-page plan does tend to stand out among plans of a dozen pages or more. My PowerPoint went off without a hitch. We had fun, which has always been my goal, and classmates made excellent suggestions about marketing and production. They think I'm onto something and should aggressively pursue the sale of my product.

Then two days later I had a cookie swap for ten people at my house, and three days after that my son came home from California. Then it was Christmas and New Year's, and then it was time to clean up after the holidays. This week my youngest son is home and...and...and....

To humor myself, and so I could tell my friend I was trying, I told myself I needed a sign to know if I should go forward with my idea for a business.

Early last week, while I was in Boston, someone explained to me how he prints out his own postage for packages at home to save time at the post office. Then I saw a television commercial where a postal carrier explains how easy it is for a customer to have packages picked up at their house.

That's not that big a deal though, is it? Anyone could benefit from that information [especially someone who has a business that involves sending packages to people].

Early this week Mir wrote a post at Cornered Office where she mentioned how much she likes using Quicken to track her finances. I left a comment, and she emailed me to emphasize how much she likes the Quicken program.

That's a coincidence, right? I have Quicken on my laptop and learned during my class that it's a great tool for someone with a small business. A lot of people use a computer program to organize their finances [especially someone with a small business who keeps their own books and wants to have well-kept records for an accountant].

Two bits of information. No big deal. I believe in three. For signs to be important, they need to occur in three's....

Today I realized while I was vacuuming [talk about being in a meditative state] that I did receive a third sign. Several weeks ago I started talking about what kind of image I wanted for marketing purposes. I found a photograph I liked, and I shared it with several people, who liked the idea. The photo is copyrighted and not exactly what I wanted, and I haven't heard back from the artist, so I set the idea aside. This week my friend who-knows-me-well sent me an email with a drawing attached, a sketch that her stepdaughter did when she was asked by my friend if she could draw something for me to use. With small changes, it will be just what I had in mind.

Three. That's three, Sharon. Now what do you have to say?

I say that this isn't what I had in mind. I had a nice little hobby, no pressure, that I was going to do on the side. I wanted to go every day to a "real" job where I would work with other people, earn a regular paycheck, and make use of the degree I spent two years and lots of money to get.

After more than two years of job hunting, dozens of applications, and more disappointment than I care to recount, I think it may be time to change my intention.

I say that I believe that the universe hears our intentions, though whether it chooses to listen or not is out of our hands. If I go forward with this idea for a small business and put all my eggs in this basket, then I am saying that I intend to succeed. Until now I didn't have any eggs in this basket, and I kept the basket hidden. If I put this intention out to the universe, I need to be ready to deal with what happens next.

A new year is under way.

There is a follow-up meeting of my entrepreneurial group on January 26 where we will discuss strategic planning.

I have set that date as my deadline.

It may be time to "just do it."

Waiting In The Wrong Line

I was waiting for a neon sign, a lightening bolt, or some other flash of genius to strike.

I thought I had to have the brightest idea, the best plans, and all the answers before I took action.

I wanted to know all the details before I decided if I wanted to get on board, take the risk, and make the commitment.

Then a couple weeks ago I read Dawn's post titled Commitment Precedes Vision at her blog "Today and Everyday." She posted the following quote:

“In life, many thoughts are born in the course of a moment, an hour, a day. Some are dreams, some visions. Often, we are unable to distinguish between them. To some, they are the same; however, not all dreams are visions. Much energy is lost in fanciful dreams that never bear fruit. But visions are messages from the Great Spirit, each for a different purpose in life. Consequently, one person’s vision may not be that of another. To have a vision, one must be prepared to receive it, and when it comes, to accept it. Thus when these inner urges become reality, only then can visions be fulfilled. The spiritual side of life knows everyone’s heart and who to trust. How could a vision ever be given to someone to harbor if that person could not be trusted to carry it out. The message is simple: commitment precedes vision.”
~ High Eagle

I read it several times and I returned to read it over the course of several days. At odd times during the day I thought about High Eagle's words, often reversing the words to "vision precedes commitment" because the ideas he presented appeared to be out of order.

I had been waiting in the wrong line. I was in line for a vision.

I needed to be in the commitment line. I had to make the commitment to do the work and follow through. I had to be ready to receive the vision ahead of its arrival.

This week I got in the commitment line.

After Tuesday's class, when I watched my classmates present their ideas and share their plans, I realized I had not made the commitment to the work I need to do. I was holding back. I was keeping my passion at bay, just in case things don't work out.

And that's when my thinking changed. That's when I had the thought "commitment precedes vision."

Then the ideas started to flow.

It's Show Time

Yesterday was class #11 in the entrepreneurship skills course I am taking. The course runs twelve weeks, and the last two classes are dedicated to student presentations of our business plans.

I have been working with my classmates for ten weeks. We have had class discussions and shared our ideas in small groups. At one time or another I have talked with each person about aspects of their business plan. We know each other fairly well at this point.

And, still, yesterday I was blown away by the work that people have done.

The ideas are as unique as the people who own them: black and white film photography, all natural pet toys, graphic design, indoor golf, daycare, original art on homemade paper, outdoor activities, landscape design, pottery, and concierge service.

Each half-hour presentation includes time to read through the person's business plan, a PowerPoint presentation, and questions & answers.

I was impressed with the amount of thought people put into their plans and presentations. It was a thrill to see all the pieces come together and to hear what people plan to do next.

There are five of us left to present next week. Then we will share a potluck lunch and make plans for three follow-up sessions after the first of next year.

I am still working on my presentation. I have everything I need and an idea of how I want it to look.

I don't like to finish things. It's easier to keep a little bit undone so I can imagine that it turns out just the way I want.

It's also easier to keep working on the plan than it is to take action. The action step is where mistakes happen and risks are taken and everything doesn't go as planned.

Then I remember that I want to be more proactive. It's show time.

The Bottom Line

In Tuesday's class we started talking about the financial elements of starting a business. We talked about our attitudes about money and the basic descriptions of different bookkeeping systems.

This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where I usually shift into reverse and go in the opposite direction as fast as I can.

I have to put my fears and doubts on the side of the road, or I will not be able to go forward.

Two years ago, when I first considered the possibility of becoming an entrepreneur, I met with an accountant to talk about how to start keeping records for a small business. I took notes and was excited about everything I was learning...until I asked her about how much information she needs to do the yearly tax return for a business, how she reconciles the work she does with a family's personal taxes. Oh, she said, she also does the personal taxes for the business owner because she needs to make sure all the numbers match up.

Hmmmm....

What about the FAFSA, I asked. How would I get the numbers by March 1, the filing deadline in Massachusetts where my son is in college?

Oh, she said, we can ask for an extension. She would fill out the FAFSA as well because she would have all the tax information at hand.

Really....

Well, that sent my control issues into a tailspin. I have always done our taxes. I have a good relationship with the people at the other end of 1-800-IRS-GOVT and call them anytime I have a question. By the time I get everything in order for an accountant, I might as well fill out the forms myself, and there have been years where there have been lots of forms to fill out. I always figure out what to do.

Then I use those numbers to fill out the FAFSA for whoever in the family needs one filled out.

It's a source of pride for me that I have been able to manage our family's finances all these years. I like knowing what the numbers are, that columns match up, that accounts settle out, and that amounts have been checked and double checked.

It's not that I don't think an accountant knows what they are doing.

It's that I don't know what they're doing, which is one of the main reasons I am taking this class. We are going to learn everything we need to know about cash basis bookkeeping and filing taxes for a small business.

It's not that we will need to do all of the bookkeeping and tax filing ourselves. It is that we need to understand what is involved in keeping records and filing taxes for a small business.

Last Tuesday was just an introduction. Next Tuesday we will spend the entire class with a certified public accountant who will go through the income tax forms with us. The following week we will work on laptops to become familiar with cash flow, balance sheets, and profit & loss statements.

This is a big leap for me. I am entertaining the idea that the day might come when I will turn over the filing of my family's income taxes to a professional accountant.

What can I say, other than I like to keep my eye on the bottom line.

A List To Guide Me

Before we left for Boston on Saturday I grabbed my class notebooks, with the intention of getting some work done in the car on the trip south. Several paragraphs of the business plan are due this week. I have about half of them written in rough draft, and I have cryptic notes on the rest.

I looked through my notes. There was a question I needed to answer before I went any further: What do I want from a business?

Here is what I wrote, unedited, as the words flowed onto the page~

I want:
- to share a product that makes life easier
- to have fun with it - product and process
- to connect with other women around business, ideas, innovation, life
- to make a high quality product that promotes eco-friendly practices & materials
- to make product(s) widely available, easily accessible on internet, through avenues that do not require me to sell directly
- to use the product to help women succeed

I looked back through the paragraphs I have written and most of these elements are present in one form or another. They need to be prominent. These ideas are at the heart of my mission. This list is the reason that I am putting myself out there and taking the risk.

Now that I am clear about what I want, I can clarify what I need to do.

Like A River

Halfway through class on Tuesday I wanted to be anyplace else.

Physically, I was sore from hauling rocks the day before and tired because I didn't sleep well. I couldn't get comfortable in the straight-backed chair, so I got up to walk around as often as I could without interrupting class, which also helped me stay awake.

Mentally, I was on overload. The topics this week were production and distribution, image and branding, advertising and promotion. By lunchtime I could feel the anxiety creeping in, and after lunch I had to force myself to focus to "stay in the room." When we broke into small groups I asked if people were as excited, less excited, or more excited compared to the first week. We agreed that we were feeling stressed and decided the best strategy was to take things one step at a time.

Once class was over I put everything out of my mind. I felt frustrated but couldn't verbalize why.

Wednesday morning I had an "aha moment." I was catching up with my blog reading, and the Monday meditation over at Awake is Good invited me to flow like a river. That struck a chord with me because of 1)my recent attention to the way water moves through my yard, and 2)the feeling that I have been swimming upstream for a long time. In my yard I am trying to accommodate the way rainwater naturally flows through my property, whereas in my life I have been trying six ways to Sunday to make things fit that have no intention of falling into place.

Aha.

The contrast is striking. I am willing to let rainwater follow its path, yet I am unable to honor my own. I have lived with myself my whole life, yet there are still things that I will not accept about who I am and how I do things.

There's nothing like a good metaphor to bring clarity.

Flow on.

Like A Fever

It started with setting up accounts online. One thing led to another, and by Monday evening Ken and I were having a conversation about our financial picture. We review our budget once a year; the class I am taking pushed the conversation ahead a few months. It takes time to gather the account folders, organize the statements, and update the figures. If I needed to go through the process for my business plan it made sense to share the numbers with Ken.

For the first time we have an end-date.

At this point in our lives, there are only so many earning years left for us.

The plan was for me to graduate in 2007, get a full-time job with a modest salary, and use my income to pay off the mortgage before Ken retired.

Things haven't happened that way. We need to evaluate where we are and adjust our plans.

* * * * * * *
Yesterday in class we covered a lot of ground.

To continue what we started last week, we worked individually and in small groups to refine the mission statement for our business and an explanation of what our business is about.

The subject of marketing was introduced, the first of three classes on the topic. We worked during class to describe our product, define our target customer, and pinpoint the competition.

There was time to write and time to share ideas with classmates. It is eye-opening to hear a person's first impression about an aspect of your product. It's helpful to get a fresh perspective. It takes time and thought to integrate all you hear and learn.

Finished drafts are due next week, a paragraph each for the mission statement, business description, product details, target customer, and competition.

* * * * * * *
After class I had errands to run.

My first stop was Sam's Club. I had a dozen items to pick up. I made my way to the check-out, where someone directed me to the register at the photo counter. That sounded like a good idea, until I got over there and realized that I had to unload my cart so the items could be scanned and then put every item back in the cart myself because of the way the counter is designed.

I could feel the frustration building.

Out at the car, I had to unload and load again and remembered I would have to do it again when I got home.

It was too much. Ordinarily it wouldn't have been, but yesterday it was too much.

I was tired. I was frustrated. I wasn't where I wanted to be, nowhere near what I wanted to be.

The tears started to roll, unbidden and unwanted.

I got home to an empty house and knew I needed something to do with my evening. I started rearranging furniture, a good default activity that requires movement and focus.

I was tired and didn't finish what I started. It was after midnight when I got to sleep.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to an unfamiliar clicking sound. The heat was running. I had slept for six hours, a good run these days.

I felt better. Nothing had changed. The frustration had run its course, like a fever.

Life goes on.

Making Decisions

The first day in class we reviewed the decision-making model: define the problem, do the research, consider personal values, choose one alternative, implement the decision, and evaluate the outcome. The process is circular and makes sense - on the board. Then a person injects their personal tendencies into the process, and the process gets interesting.

When I have a big decision to make, I tend toward an agonizing attitude. I gather a lot of information. I am good at doing the research. Then I consider the pros and cons. Sometimes I even make a list. Often I get stalled when it's time to decide, and if I do make the decision I question if it was the right decision. I consider the what-ifs, worried that there might have been a better way or that mistakes will result, as if worrying protects against a less than perfect result.

The best thing about the discussion with other "agonizers" was that we identified positives about our process. I wasn't the only one who waited until the last day to submit the application for this training, and in the end we did decide to apply. We found the humor in the way we work through decisions and talked about ways to move the process along.

The whole-group discussion included the observation that most decisions can be be modified along the way. If there is a mistake to be made, it's better to make it, learn from it, and do something differently next time.

Few decisions are perfect or permanent.

I lose time when I sit on the fence. I waste energy when I continue to think about a decision that has already been made.

Later in the day, during a discussion about a positive relationship with money, a missing piece fell into place for me around making decisions.

Our facilitator shared this quote:

Settle with the past,
engage with the present,
and believe in the future.
[Today I found the source ~ it's from the movie Cheaper by the Dozen 2.]

I like the simplicity of the quote. It was the last part that resonated with me.

Believe in the future. I thought about that in relation to my decision-making process. When I believe in the future, I am better able to make a decision, whether it's to return to school or color my hair. It is when I lose my optimism about what lies ahead that I agonize too much over decisions and find myself stalled. I am afraid to take a risk when I worry about what the future holds.

I don't need to know what will happen in the future. I need to believe that things will work out, one way or another. I will do the research, weigh the alternatives, and make the best decision I can based on what I know. I will deal with the consequences and make changes along the way if necessary.

For thirty years I was able to make decisions about what's best for my family because I believed in our future. Now that my children are making their own decisions, I can focus on making decisions for myself.

I can believe in my future.

Back To School

I am exhausted. And exhilarated.

I knew I would be tired after my first day of class. I forgot how tiring it is to wrap my head around a new way of thinking, to pay attention, to challenge myself to new ways of doing.

There are fifteen other people in the class, all with different backgrounds, experiences, and ideas. We shared thoughts about our personal values, how we make decisions, and what kind of risk takers we are. It was fun to talk about ideas with classmates.

It was exciting to think about what I want and how I'm going to get it.

I have a lot of homework to do. I need to write a mission statement, examine my household budget, develop a spending plan, and think about how I will weave a business into the fabric of my life.

Stay tuned.

The Road Ahead

The call came in this afternoon ~ I have been admitted to the entrepreneurship training program that starts on Tuesday.

It feels like a door has opened. Even though I don't know what's on the other side I have decided to cross the threshold and follow the light.

When I look back over my life's journey, I often did not know what was on the road ahead. I would start off with the best intentions, carrying the provisions I thought I'd need for the trip. I could only see so far ahead and there was only so much I could do to prepare.

Then I would take the first step. Sometimes the journey went as planned...and sometimes I was lost from the start. Sometimes the road changed course with no warning, and sometimes the obstacles loomed large.

There were times when I sat by the side of the road waiting for help, which didn't always arrive how or when I wanted.

I have picked things up along the way and left other things behind.

Sometimes I follow the signs, and sometimes I make my own map.

I don't know what's ahead on this road.

I know class starts at 9:30 on Tuesday. I think I'll start there.

Recognition

First, a heartfelt thank you to Ann of anniegirl1138 for her recognition of what I share here. Hers is one of the first blogs I started following regularly, more than a year ago. Ann is a writer, and I look forward to her daily posts.

Second, this week I have recognized some things about myself. On Tuesday I attended the orientation session for an entrepreneurship training program, where the outcome is a written business plan. Three graduates of last year's class shared their success stories, and I felt even more inspired about the process. As I sat listening, I could see myself sitting at the front of the room next year, sharing how I started my business and encouraging others to do the same. That is the first time I have had an image of myself as a business owner.

During the session each of us filled out a simple self-assessment, answering yes or maybe or no to 25 statements, which ranged from "I am persistent" to "I have a reputation for being stubborn." Our answers were for our eyes only so there was no reason not to answer truthfully. Each yes was worth 3 points, and I scored 72 points. The only three questions where I answered maybe were about taking chances and feeling sure of myself. That tells me that my tenuousness is the only thing holding me back.

Twenty of us have applied for fifteen slots, so the advisors made plans to meet with each of us to decide if this training is the best fit for what we hope to accomplish.

My interview was this afternoon. It was more emotional than I expected it to be because it was a time to think about how I got to this point and what comes next. When asked about the biggest change in the last year, I answered that "I'm not a mom anymore." Yes, I will always be a mother, but the transition to "mom of adult children" is complete.

I will find out tomorrow if I've made the cut. If this particular training doesn't work out, the advisors will help me get what I need to move forward. I am told that this is the time in my life for me, and with help I may be able to achieve that.

Changing Gears

Leo is feeling better. Thursday night and Friday morning I fixed him chicken and rice, which he lapped right up. By Friday night he was eating his "wet" food, after he'd had his pill, with no trouble. This morning he ate his breakfast without benefit of medication, and he's doing fine.

I, on the other hand, have been eating only carbohydrates since yesterday. After a rocky start Sunday morning, I was able to drink black coffee and tea. Toast, baked potato, Cheerios, and crackers are keeping me afloat.

Life continues to feel unsettled.

Two weeks ago I applied for a job. Last week my resume was returned to me because it arrived two days after the deadline and could not be considered. The ad I answered said the search had been extended but apparently not long enough for my application to arrive in time.

Again and again I fall just short of the mark.

It is time to change gears.

On Friday I followed through on a promise I made to myself. It was the last day to submit an application for entrepreneurship training offered through the same organization where I sought career counseling and attended introductory business workshops. I promised myself I would apply if I did not have a job, or a serious lead on one, by September 18.

The training is an intensive course in how to start a business and includes 60 hours of classroom instruction in addition to assignments outside of class. Each student will write a complete business plan over the course of the 12 weeks with help from trainers, small business owners, local professionals and advisors.

It is time for me to stop dancing around the idea of having a business, to set aside the fear of being self-employed, to find out once and for all what is required to be a successful businesswoman, and to get to work to make it happen.

The problem isn't that I think I can't do it.

I know I can do it. That is what scares me. I start a business, and then what? I can't get a clear vision of what life as a business owner would look like, of what happens next, of how I will grow a business that will be profitable enough to provide the income I desire.

I have decided to start by taking the process one step at a time.

Tomorrow morning is an orientation session for all applicants. At that time interviews will be scheduled for admission to the class, which starts September 29. Fifteen people will be selected.

I did not want to apply unless I was ready to give everything I've got to the training and the process of becoming self-employed.

Last spring I met with a career counselor who told me I could have a job and start a business. I thought I needed to find a job first and then fit a business into what time I had left. Now I'm ready to try it the other way 'round.

I have been reading the blogs of women who are charting a new course, starting a new career, and realizing a dream. I find myself wishing I could do the same thing.

Maybe I can.

Wishin' And Hopin'

I wish I knew what I was doing. I feel pulled in so many directions because I don't know which effort will take me where I want to go. It would help if I had a clear idea about what the future holds. No matter how hard I try, the cloudy vision of the future refuses to clear.

I keep hoping that something will click into place.

I have signed up for another series of workshops. This time the topics are basic bookkeeping, financial planning, and marketing for women who have, or want to start, their own business.
Last night was basic bookkeeping methods that are easy to put in place and use. I like math and keeping records. The anxious moments come when I think about the things that I have no control over. I set those fears aside long enough to finish the class.

When I got home the disappointment I feel in myself washed over me. What have I done with my life? What am I doing now?

My life is full of loose ends, and it feels like there is no way to tie anything up neatly.

Someone in a post or a comment recently said, "Don't tell me what you're going to do; show me what you've done." That has been going through my head for days.

I have spent thirty years making a home and taking care of my family. That's what I have done. That job is finished. I did such a good job that my children are now taking care of themselves and living their own lives.

I didn't account for what comes next, for what I would do afterward. The days are filled with self-doubt and obstacles at every turn. The nights hold uneasy wakefulness and unsettling dreams.

More questions. No answers. Sadness is heavy. The tears flow easily. The core of peace is elusive.

Leo Napping and Other Developments

My daughter took more pictures of Leo:

I'm taking a nap ~
on my box ~

I see you taking my picture ~

and I choose to ignore you~

Leo likes to sit on boxes and rugs, and s/he does both very well.

I appreciated the supportive comments, in a variety of forms, after my last post. Those feelings bubble up periodically. It's either share them or stuff them, and stuffing them only works temporarily. It helps to write the words and reflect on what they mean for me right now. It's good to know that friends don't think I'm crazy. I'm glad I'm not alone.

You heard me and so did the powers that be. Yesterday I got an email from a friend about getting together today for an early dinner. Now we've been trying to get together for six months with no luck. The plans for today easily fell into place. Surprising? Maybe not....

I have a wise friend who is a Leo. I am an Aquarius. I've never studied up on what my astrological sign says about me, but now I'm curious and may investigate further. I've never been in a job that paid a lot of money, though I daydream about hitting the lottery and having the money to set up a foundation to help people start their own businesses. I believe that if I do what I love, enough money will follow. My dilemma is that I need experience to do policy work, and it's tough to get that experience without a job in the field. My degree isn't in policy; it's in community and organizational practice. For many reasons, that made sense at the time, I didn't go for a degree in policy. I wanted to make the connection between people's needs and policy...and I would probably do that again because there's no way to know what's on the other side until you get there.

I do get something back when I volunteer, so I said yes when I was asked to join a local organization's legislative committee. The committee gives input and feedback on the org's legislative agenda. We will meet for an hour once a month, though there may be work to do outside that time frame, and it will keep me updated on what's going on at the State House in Augusta. I have connections with this organization and other non-profit groups through the work I did during my second-year social work internship. I will have a chance to reconnect, as well as meet new people. The first meeting is on Monday, and I'm looking forward to getting started.

Today, between volunteering at the local campaign office and meeting my friend for dinner, I met with the owner of the "sensuality boutique" who expressed interest in IntiMats®. I thought the store was incredibly busy for a Tuesday afternoon. We talked between her chats with customers and ringing up sales. I am honest with anyone I talk to about the product, that I have put out a variety of ideas and will run with whatever sticks. Well, I may have found an idea that will stick. She took three IntiMats® on consignment and is willing to channel back to me any comments she gets. The tags have my email address and etsy site, so people can connect with me if they so desire. This arrangement meant I had to raise the price [to equal what she will charge] on the etsy site, which is fine with me. I may have priced it so low that people didn't think it was anything special.

This is a huge step for me. This means that I am serious about testing the waters of the business world. I have been dancing around the edges of this "pond" for a long time. I don't know what might happen and cannot plan for what I don't know. Big step for me, who likes to have a hand on the controls at all times. This is one more thing to "let go." Many of you understand when I say how scary this is. It's also exciting.