Miss Millie

We had a sad start to August this year.  Yesterday was Millie's last day with us.

I could no longer deny how sick she was when she stopped eating.  She was moving slowly and only wanted to make her way to her favorite spot in the closet in our bedroom, where she liked to nestle in among our shoes.  It had been weeks since she kept my seat warm at the computer~

I knew when I made the late-afternoon appointment with the vet that it was the last trip Millie would make with me.  She was weak but still vocal about how much she disliked riding in the carrier.  The vet said there was something wrong that we couldn't see; Millie had lost a pound and a half since July 12.

I told Millie what a good cat she was and how much we loved her.  I told her to look for Leo, who will be glad to show her around.  Then I said good-bye.

I couldn't stop crying.  I knew what was coming and that it was the best decision, but losing her so soon broke my heart.  I wanted her to get better, and for a short while when she was first with us it looked like she was.  Yesterday morning a friend suggested that we each want a safe place to die and that maybe Millie felt that with us.  I know I loved her more than I expected to and miss her more than I thought possible.

Farewell Miss Millie.  You have a place in my heart ~

So I Sew

A week ago we received a new phone modem.  So far so good with the internet connection. 

I am not nuts about the ring tone of the new phone, but I don't see a way to change it.  I need to record a message for the answering machine, but that means I need to read the manual.  I got as far as setting the time and date.

It took ten days for the tv and dvd player to reach the repair center.  No word yet if they can be repaired.  That process is moving more slowly than anticipated.  It's not that we watch that much tv, but we do enjoy watching dvds and streaming Netflix.

These are small inconveniences compared to what could have happened during that storm...or what could happen at any time really.  Eight days ago a house two miles down our road burned beyond repair.  The news report said the fire started in the basement and they may never know why.  Thankfully the family was camping for the weekend.  The house was less than two years old.

Millie the cat has good days and not so good days.  Some days she eats and other days she is not hungry.  She just jumped in my lap. It's amazing she still likes me, for all the medication I've dosed her with.  I get down on the floor and pet her.  I'm worried about her.

My elderly friend in town has been in the hospital since Sunday.  She is not feeling up to par, so they are working to get her back on track.  Each day the doctor has said she might be discharged.  I hope she's able to come home tomorrow.

Too many things I can't do anything about.  So I sew.  Before I left for Vermont I spent an entire day laying out the squares I had constructed for the Harmony Quilt.  I decided I wanted a solid color to border each nine block, each one different and with no pattern in how they are arranged.  I'm still looking for harmony in the chaos ~

My very favorite among all my favorites

Two nine blocks side by side

Getting There Is Half The Battle

Friday evening I talked to a neighbor I haven't seen for several months.  She lives two miles down the road and I wanted to know if she could look in on Millie the days I will be gone this week.  She isn't able to help but it was good to catch up with her.  The conversation inevitably turned to my job search.  I heard myself say that I take responsibility for the situation I'm in ~ I made decisions along the way that have brought me to this place and, while I would do things differently if I could go back, the only way is forward.

The universe winked at me today when someone who knows me very well gave me a card that says:

Is willing to accept
that she creates her own reality
except for some of the parts
where she can't help but wonder
what the hell she was thinking

                                               Brian Andreas

This evening I have been reflecting on that, while packing and getting the house in order.  Fourteen years ago I would move heaven and earth to get ready to leave for nine days of residency at Goddard College: solidifying family schedules, planning meals, cleaning house, and writing lesson plans for my students in addition to whatever I needed to have done for my own classes.  I looked forward to every trip back then. 

This weekend I've had to push myself to get ready to be gone for four days.  I'm going because I've made the commitment to go and deep down I know the experience will be good for me.  That doesn't mean that the doubts and disappointments haven't been front and center.  Let's say that my mood hasn't been the most pleasant.  I'd like to have someone else to blame, but it's all on me.

It hasn't helped that Millie isn't feeling well.  I took her to the vet Friday, and she's dehydrated again.  It looks like there will always be certain things we have to do to keep her healthy, and tomorrow I will get a lesson on how to inject her with fluid.  I really don't want to do this, but I made the commitment to take care of her and this is part of that.  My daughter has generously offered to look in on her every evening, so I know Millie will be fine while I'm gone.

I will be fine, too.

With Ease

Millie has decided she likes to sit on my lap ~ while I'm eating, sewing, typing, or just sitting.  The advantage of being on my lap while I'm on the computer is that my hands are readily available for petting her, with a bit of encouragement from proper head placement on the keyboard.  She is eating and gaining weight.  This morning was the first time I heard her pawing at the door, wanting to come in from her sleeping space in the attached garage.  We've even heard her purr occasionally.  I think she's decided she'll stay~

Millie has had lots of lap time in the last couple days because I've been working quite a bit on the computer.  Three weeks ago I had the desktop updated with Windows 7 and additional memory, and I have been asking myself why I didn't do it sooner.  I can actually count on the computer to work ~ what a novel idea!  I had two years of emails to go through, and it has been a pleasure instead of a chore to move back and forth among accounts and documents.  I can access websites and leave windows open.  I realized this morning how easy it is to use the computer now. 

After my massage on Thursday, my therapist advised me to get off the table with ease, to be aware of how I was moving.  I did and I have tried to carry that ease with me.  For six months I've been working to breathe easier, and finally it feels like I can for more than a few hours at a time.  I asked my daughter why it has taken so long; she said it's like blowing up a balloon, where we blow and blow and it seems like nothing is happening...then we begin to see progress.  Slowly and steadily I have been working to open, to breathe, to feel ease.  It is happening slowly.  My hope is that the gradual changes will stay with me.

While sorting through emails I found a quote sent by a friend last September.  It speaks beautifully to what I am learning to do ~     

"Be patient with all that is unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek for the answers that cannot be given, for you wouldn't be able to live with them, and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now, and perhaps without knowing it, you will live along someday into the answers."

--Rainer Maria Rilke

Life Update

I am currently reading a novel by Heidi Jon Schmidt, The House on Oyster Creek.  The setting is the coast of Cape Cod where the main character, Charlotte, has moved with her husband and young daughter.  She has befriended an oyster farmer and is working to save the tidal flats where he "farms" oysters and clams.  In her quest she has a conversation with Ada, a woman who has lived in the town of Wellfleet her entire life and pays Charlotte a compliment:

"Charlotte glanced away - the flash of Ada's loneliness was too painful, and the praise made her shy - but she felt the truth of it:  She was uncertain partly because of her openness.  Henry [Charlotte's husband] could press ahead and crush his opposition because he didn't stop to ask himself whether he might be wrong.  Charlotte let life flow through and change her; and if this would have made her a very bad critic and a dreadful real estate developer, it had helped her become a good mother; the most ordinary, most important thing on earth."

I read that last night and has an aha moment.  Life has been swirling with the accomplishments of my family ~ my children's careers are flourishing, and my husband passed an important exam necessary to renew his New Hampshire credentials.  Throughout conversations and updates I listen and encourage.  When goals are reached I celebrate.  I take in stride whatever happens, find the positive points, and work hard to keep whatever I might think to myself.  Their lives impact mine.  I adapt and change.   I like Charlotte's idea that this is important.

I have been feeling that I am the most ordinary person I know, with little to share and not much to offer, hence the lack of posts from this corner.  Nothing new to see here, while my online friends are moving and shaking the world around them.  I am grateful for the photos and stories that people share.  I have not been holding up my end in the blogging world because the stories around here lately are not my stories to tell.  My vow to keep the focus on my life leads to b-o-r-i-n-g when all the goings on are internal as things shift and I search for balance.  I am still waiting for what's next for me...

In the meantime I have a new cat in my life.  Meet Millie ~

She's an eleven year-old cat who has some treatable health issues and needed a new foster home.  My daughter forwarded the information to me on Mother's Day.  I thought for sure someone would take her in, but this weekend the situation became urgent.  I called Sunday, my application was approved Monday, and Millie came to live with us Tuesday.  She made herself right at home on my quilt squares ~

She needs fattening up, along with medication to kick a urinary tract infection.  So I'm feeding her as much as she'll eat, giving her pills and fluids, and petting her as much as she'll allow.  She likes looking out the kitchen door just like Leo did ~

I can help her, and I think she's good for me.  I will let you know how it goes ~