Plans? What Plans?

For almost 23 years my husband has had a job, as an elevator mechanic, where he knows just week to week, and sometimes only day to day, where he will be working in Maine and/or New Hampshire. When he started working for this company, a good company to work for, our daughter was in kindergarten and our son was in nursery school. The next fall, when both children were in school, it became obvious that I would be the primary parent in all things child and school related. Ken's refrain became, "I will be there if I'm home."

The trade-off for a job he loves, and that provides for his family, is that Ken has little control over where he will be working on any given day. This is not a problem when he has specific plans in place for an appointment or vacation, but it's tricky when we try to think a few days ahead based on where he thinks he will be working that week. Ken is in regular contact with the office, where schedules are set for work that needs to be done and repairs that need to be made. There is always a conversation about how to move about the countryside in the most efficient way, as Ken goes from one job to the next. The schedule needs a certain amount of flexibility to accommodate repairs that need to be made with only a day or two of notice.

There is one person left out of the loop. Me. The funny thing is that after all these years I still think there's a chance we will be able to make and execute plans. Just a chance. Nothing for sure.

This week Ken was headed out of town Tuesday morning with plans to return Thursday night, when we talked about going to the local diner for dinner. He called yesterday to say he was coming home last night. Okay. He called later in the evening to ask if I wanted to meet him for dinner. No, I had already made plans for dinner, and I thought we were going out later in the week. Ken got home last night and we had dinner at 8:00, during which he tells me that now the plans are for him to work out of town through Friday....

The irony is that these changes in plans had less of an impact on my life when the kids were at home and I was working or taking classes. I had obligations and a routine. Now it's up to me to set my own schedule. At the beginning of the week I have an idea of what I need to do and want to get accomplished. I take into consideration when Ken will be home because there are things we like to do together, and there are things I like to do when I have the house to myself.

Like painting. With this most recent change in plans I have a block of time to paint interior doors. I've been putting it off because it requires the removal of doorknobs, taping of hinges, and washing of surfaces before I even get to the painting. There are seven doors, fourteen sides. Several hours of work.

But, hey, it turns out I have some time this week.

Looking For Balance

My "boys from Boston" were home for part of the week-end. No, I don't mean the Red Sox. I am talking about my sons ~ P, who lives and works there, and T, who is back at Northeastern for the spring semester. They came home because they had fun things to do, and they left after dinner on Saturday. That left enough time for us to visit and catch up.

Thoughts about the week-end crossed my mind this morning as I started my day in this quiet house.

What was it about the last three days that felt just right? It was the balance of time with family, time with Ken, and time alone.

Balance was an important ingredient of life when all the kids lived at home. It took work to achieve, but I was at my best when my routine included a mix of time with family and friends, and time alone.

In the past year I haven't been able to find the same balance of time with other people and time by myself. There have been days in the past month when I have felt extreme annoyance, with myself and others, for no apparent reason.

I think now that the problem is a lack of balance. I want to hold onto that thought and see what comes to me about how to bring balance back into my life.

Down and Out

The Christmas tree is now on the porch, as lovely as the first day we put it up ~

Leo couldn't find a place out of the way all morning with all the dedecorating, moving of furniture, and vacuuming goin' on ~

I took the tree down this morning, with (not) Leo's help. The tree was still fresh after two and a half weeks, so there were few needles to corral. It was nice to leave it up after New Year's. Ken and I enjoyed the lights every evening this week.

Every thing I went to do, there was Leo. He was under foot when I hefted boxes. He sat down right between me and the box for ornaments when my route between the two became obvious. He went up and down the steps as I put things away in the garage. Then he wanted to go out when I put the tree on the porch. A helper he is not.

It feels natural that it's 2009. I haven't once dated anything 2008. I have hope for this year, so it's nice that it's finally here.

Lars and Vegas

In the past month I have seen two movies, compliments of Netflix, that have given me two questions to ponder this year.

In early December I read Elaine's post, followed by positive comments, about Lars and the Real Girl. When it was in theaters I saw previews but wasn't sure what to think. I asked Ken if he was game to watch it, and he said sure. I ordered it up, and we watched it the first chance we got. I was not disappointed. I thoroughly enjoyed this endearing, humorous, sensitive movie. I agree with Cindy when she said it's about community. The characters in the film care about, and take care of, each other. This is a movie I will watch again.

I know a movie has made an impression when the message stays with me. My first question for the year is, "What is real?" I am paying attention to my perceptions of a situation, my reactions, and my feelings at any point in time in terms of what is real. I remember Lars and his coping strategies. I think about his family and neighbors. It has helped me put things in perspective.

The second movie that offered a question for me to ponder this year couldn't be more different from the first. New Year's Eve, for the fun of it, Ken and I watched What Happens in Vegas. The previews foretold silliness and slapstick humor, which carried on for most of the movie. The poignant question was posed near the end, when Ashton Kutcher's character asks Cameron Diaz, "When was the last time you were happy?" It obviously gives her a lot to think about as she remembers when and where she last felt happy, completely content with where she was and what she was doing.

That question was like a splash of cold water for me. When was I last happy? 2006. That was the year I turned 50, my son P graduated from college, my son T graduated from high school, and Ken and I traveled to San Francisco. Celebrations. Dreams fulfilled. My sense of myself was secure. I knew who I was and what I wanted. That fall I returned to classes, and even though I was disappointed in the program, I knew I would get what I needed because I knew what I wanted.

My second question for this year is, "What makes me happy?" I am starting slowly. I have made my bed a worry-free zone. At night I concentrate on how the sheets feel and how my body is relaxing. When I wake up, I listen to the house sounds, see what the weather is doing outside, and plan to do one thing that will make me happy that day.

My questions for the year: What is real? What makes me happy? One week into the new year I feel like I am on the right track.

Puzzled

*Note: My latest post is up at 50-something moms blog ~ Scrapbooks, Photo Albums, and Memories.

On New Year's Day, my husband, son, and I finished a puzzle we started before Christmas. Ken and I bought this puzzle the year we were married.

Two days later we started another puzzle and made the mistake of leaving the box of pieces where Leo could make himself comfortable.

Once we cleared away the kitty, we could continue work on the puzzle.

The timing for this activity is perfect. When I work on a puzzle, I have something specific to focus on. I relax. My mind changes gears as I pay attention to the details of the pieces, taking in color, size, and shape. I survey what is completed and decide where to go next.

As in creating a life, constructing a puzzle is done a bit at a time. It's hard to see the entire picture until most of the pieces are in place. It takes time, patience, and a willingness to make changes when pieces don't fit quite right. There is a feeling of satisfaction when the picture comes into focus.

Two Miles

Since we bought the treadmill in mid-November, my goal has been to walk two miles in 30 minutes. I almost made it this morning, two miles in 30:34. The flat 30:00 was the norm when I walked at the gym 3-4 years ago so I know I can do it. It takes a steady speed of at least 4 miles an hour. Once I'm comfortable with that I will increase the incline, which makes the walk more of a workout.

This afternoon I will add crunches and a short workout with 3-pound weights to my routine.

This is the year to establish the habits that I will need for the rest of my life. Before menopause I could manage my body shape through diet. That is no longer the case, and I refuse to get comfortable with feeling frumpy. I want to feel strong. That's going to take some work at this point in my life.

Like so many other changes in recent years, I have a spent a good amount of time lamenting how my body used to look and feel. That didn't get me anywhere, so I've decided to get serious about what I really want. I have admitted that exercise needs to become part of my daily routine. It's not my first choice, but it's become obvious that it's the only way to get the results I want.

I know there are health benefits from regular exercise. Surprisingly, that did not act as much of an incentive. Jeans feeling a bit tighter did the trick. I know holiday treats contributed to the problem, but I don't want to have to stop eating cookies and other treats. I love homemade cookies! and pies! and muffins! Cutting out all those goodies would be the worst form of denial, which I hope to avoid.

Hmmm...a sugar cookie would taste good, but I think I'll dig out the weights first.

What Is My Tractor?

My husband wants a tractor. He has already picked out the John Deere he wants to own, as well as the attachments he wants to haul boulders and blow snow. He makes regular visits to the John Deere website and various dealers around New England. He is saving money for his purchase at some future date.

I have been racking my brain to think of anything I want as much as he wants that tractor. I keep coming up empty.

Today I was talking to a friend about trying to figure this out. I said the words I've said before, that the things I wanted most in life were a home and a family...and then my voice caught and I paused. A thought came clear. When we moved to this new house, my husband decided he needed a tractor. For me, the move to this house marked the loss of the house I had made a home for 30 years, the place where I brought my babies home to grow up.

My friend said that it sounded like that dream became a reality, whose time has now passed.

She's right. I realized my dream and attained what I most wanted in life.

She said that it's time for a new dream. I told her I have been trying to make room for something new but that nothing comes to me. She said that it will, that it takes time, that sometimes we have to sit with the emptiness and wait. I said I have been waiting. She agreed, smiled, and said it will take more time. There is little I can do but continue to wait.

I wish I wanted a tractor....