Cookies, Cookies, Cookies

I hosted this year's cookie swap. Ten women times three dozen cookies equals a lot of cookies! The ingredients were as varied as the stories behind what people decided to bake this year. We each went home with a wonderful assortment of holiday treats.

I was so pleased to be able to have the swap at my house that I made the most of being hostess ~ I baked pecan tarts and a cranberry-upside-down cake, which I know everyone liked because they want the recipe. Many people had not been out to this end of my road before. I made it clear that I'd love to have them come again.

Feed Me, Please!

These photos are for my daughter, who is in the middle of a loooong week that will end with a night on call. They are a bit dark because the sun was streaming into the kitchen, but you'll get the idea.

Is that breakfast? May I have some please?!

Here, let me help.

Is it ready yet? May I have some pretty please?!

Out Of Sorts

Things have felt out of sync all day, since I got up this morning. I had a lot to do and started laundry before I made coffee or fed the cat.

I needed to clean up the pine needles around the tree that Ken and I brought in last night. I went to sweep up the bulk of them before I got out the vacuum, when I discovered water still on the floor from when Ken watered the tree...and there's damage to the floor's finish in a couple places. I moved the tree and wiped up the water. I kicked myself for not double checking that the spill was cleaned up after Ken used the rag, or for not taking the pitcher from him and watering the tree myself, or for not waiting to bring the tree in tonight.

I realized right away that that was folly on my part. I can't go back and fix what's happened.

But that's often my first reaction, before I am even conscious of having a reaction. "If only" or "what if" or "why didn't I?" pop into my head as I think of what I could have done differently even if I had no part in creating the situation.

All week-end Ken asked when I wanted to bring in the tree. I was dragging my feet. This is early for us to put up the tree, but he says it would be nice to "decorate" for the cookie swap I am hosting on Thursday.

I say it doesn't feel like Christmas until the kids are home.

My older son will be home this coming week-end and split his time between here and Boston until Christmas Eve, when he will bring his younger brother home from Boston.

My daughter now celebrates Hanukkah and, while she will be sharing Christmas Eve and Day with us because that's our family time, will not be helping with the tree. We don't have all the details worked out for the melding of holidays. We will have to learn as we go.

It's a different kind of Christmas this year. We've never had to think about squeezing a visit into a few days or working around different beliefs. We are ready and willing to do both but have some things to figure out.

This is our new normal for the holidays, and that raises as many questions as how to fix the finish on the floor.

Well, we got the lights on the tree last night. That's good enough for now.

Waiting In The Wrong Line

I was waiting for a neon sign, a lightening bolt, or some other flash of genius to strike.

I thought I had to have the brightest idea, the best plans, and all the answers before I took action.

I wanted to know all the details before I decided if I wanted to get on board, take the risk, and make the commitment.

Then a couple weeks ago I read Dawn's post titled Commitment Precedes Vision at her blog "Today and Everyday." She posted the following quote:

“In life, many thoughts are born in the course of a moment, an hour, a day. Some are dreams, some visions. Often, we are unable to distinguish between them. To some, they are the same; however, not all dreams are visions. Much energy is lost in fanciful dreams that never bear fruit. But visions are messages from the Great Spirit, each for a different purpose in life. Consequently, one person’s vision may not be that of another. To have a vision, one must be prepared to receive it, and when it comes, to accept it. Thus when these inner urges become reality, only then can visions be fulfilled. The spiritual side of life knows everyone’s heart and who to trust. How could a vision ever be given to someone to harbor if that person could not be trusted to carry it out. The message is simple: commitment precedes vision.”
~ High Eagle

I read it several times and I returned to read it over the course of several days. At odd times during the day I thought about High Eagle's words, often reversing the words to "vision precedes commitment" because the ideas he presented appeared to be out of order.

I had been waiting in the wrong line. I was in line for a vision.

I needed to be in the commitment line. I had to make the commitment to do the work and follow through. I had to be ready to receive the vision ahead of its arrival.

This week I got in the commitment line.

After Tuesday's class, when I watched my classmates present their ideas and share their plans, I realized I had not made the commitment to the work I need to do. I was holding back. I was keeping my passion at bay, just in case things don't work out.

And that's when my thinking changed. That's when I had the thought "commitment precedes vision."

Then the ideas started to flow.

It's Show Time

Yesterday was class #11 in the entrepreneurship skills course I am taking. The course runs twelve weeks, and the last two classes are dedicated to student presentations of our business plans.

I have been working with my classmates for ten weeks. We have had class discussions and shared our ideas in small groups. At one time or another I have talked with each person about aspects of their business plan. We know each other fairly well at this point.

And, still, yesterday I was blown away by the work that people have done.

The ideas are as unique as the people who own them: black and white film photography, all natural pet toys, graphic design, indoor golf, daycare, original art on homemade paper, outdoor activities, landscape design, pottery, and concierge service.

Each half-hour presentation includes time to read through the person's business plan, a PowerPoint presentation, and questions & answers.

I was impressed with the amount of thought people put into their plans and presentations. It was a thrill to see all the pieces come together and to hear what people plan to do next.

There are five of us left to present next week. Then we will share a potluck lunch and make plans for three follow-up sessions after the first of next year.

I am still working on my presentation. I have everything I need and an idea of how I want it to look.

I don't like to finish things. It's easier to keep a little bit undone so I can imagine that it turns out just the way I want.

It's also easier to keep working on the plan than it is to take action. The action step is where mistakes happen and risks are taken and everything doesn't go as planned.

Then I remember that I want to be more proactive. It's show time.

Contradictions

This morning we awakened to the first hibiscus flower and snow accumulation of the season ~

Welcome December

This is the first day of December.

That means I have 31 days to:

Watch 20 Netflix movies so I will reach my goal of 200 this year. [The actual total will number more than that but I count the season of a series as "1" so it doesn't look like I spend more than an average amount of time watching rented movies and tv shows.]

Decide which digital photos I want to have printed so I can update the photo album. It used to be easy to take pictures, send off the film, get the photos in the mail, label said photos, and mount them in the photo album and scrapbooks. Now I take digital pictures and download them to the computer, where they are stored away in folders filed alphabetically instead of in an album where family gatherings and life events are in chronological order and tangible for my viewing and sharing pleasure.

Finish compiling this year's emails from my sons. When my daughter was in college she saved the emails she and I sent each other, compiled them on a disc, and had them printed out and bound at Staples. I used that idea when my sons went to college, compiling and printing along the way. The pages are few for my youngest but I'm saving what I do have. Since P moved away I have saved the few emails he's sent with the details of his new job and apartment. I'm sure there will be other milestones that it will be nice to have a record of in the future.

Find a job. Sigh. This might take longer than 31 days. I have high hopes for the interview I had last Wednesday; I will hear this week if I am selected for a second interview. All year I have been pinning my hopes on the next job application or the next interview or the next round of interviews. Time for a new strategy if I don't have a job by the new year, which means I will decide if I am going forth with a small business or not. The entrepreneurship skills class has been very good, laying out all the steps and details of starting a small business. I am a gatherer of information, so I already knew a lot of what we've covered. I was looking for a secret formula or a sign that this was meant to be. That only happens in fairy tales. What I have is a notebook full of steps to take and forms to file, with the knowledge that I would be taking on a huge responsibility that requires a lot of work and may return little or no profit for an indeterminate period of time. It would be a gamble, and I am not a risk taker.

Figure out how to make up for the last five months when I see P at Christmas. I knew the distance would make staying connected difficult, but I did not think the disconnect would happen so quickly. For instance, when P called last week he asked his dad if he was completely recovered from the pneumonia, which is something he still asks during phone conversations despite our assurances that Ken is fine. The problem is he hasn't seen his dad since the day Ken was discharged from the hospital, when he was still very weak from the pneumonia and the 45 pound weight loss. P doesn't have an image to replace the one when his dad was sick. We can't start where we left off because we aren't the same, but we have to figure out a way to get up to speed quickly so we can reconnect and enjoy the limited amount of time we will have with each other. Compacted time together does not make up for visits over time when the real stuff of day-to-day life happens, in the moment and with firsthand emotions.

And my biggest task will be to make an effort to be proactive instead of reactive. I realized this fall that for as long as I can remember I have made decisions about my life based on my reactions to what has already happened, whether that's circumstances or what other people have decided for themselves. I observe, collect information, read the reactions of others, and find a place to fit myself in the space that is left. This year I have had all the space a person could use, and I didn't know what to do with it. When given the time to do anything, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. There are 31 days left this year to figure that out.

I may not accomplish all of these tasks in the next month. I do know it's time for a change.