How Do You Say Good-bye?

I sit here devastated at the news of the passing of a friend I never met in person. I got word from a friend via Facebook messenger this evening that a mutual blogging friend has died while neither of us knew she was ill. Apparently she kept the news private. Her name was Karin Bugge aka Altadena Hiker. Her writing was witty and smart and funny. She wrote about her dog Albert and the stray cat she started feeding and accidentally adopted. She painted her house and hiked in the hills and cared about community causes.

A year and a half ago I felt compelled to make Karin a set of cloth napkins. I had inherited several prints in a series called "Silent Cinema." Karin loved movies as much as I do and we traded posts about recommended favorites. I was working on another project with some of the prints and decided I wanted Karin to have some napkins because of the cinema connection. I made them up, emailed her for her address, and sent them off. She was delightfully surprised and sent the nicest note to thank me. I will always be glad I followed through with that impulse....

Last year Karin and I messaged back and forth about traveling across the country. She had mentioned she would like to visit Maine, and I wanted to make sure I was here if she planned a trip. I was headed to San Jose, which is several hours away from Altadena, and I couldn't see a way to connect with her on that trip. Then I considered traveling to that area in February but that didn't materialize. I looked forward to having a reason to travel to that part of California and getting a chance to meet her in person. I regret that we didn't get to talk face to face.

I never got a chance to say hello and I'm not sure how to say good-bye.

I turned to one of my favorite poets and found a poem that feels right for this moment. Karin cared about the world and loved animals and marveled at so many things around her. She artfully shared what she thought was important. She will be missed.

Long Afternoon at the Edge of Little Sister Pond
by Mary Oliver

As for life,
I'm humbled,
I'm without words
sufficient to say

how it has been hard as flint,
and soft as a spring pond,
both of these 
and over and over,

and long pale afternoons besides,
and so many mysteries
beautiful as eggs in a nest,
still unhatched

though warm and watched over
by something I have never seen -
a tree angel, perhaps,
or a ghost of holiness.

Every day I walk out into the world
to be dazzled, then to be reflective.

It suffices, it is all comfort -
along with human love,

dog love, water love, little-serpent love,
sunburst love, or love for that smallest of birds
flying among the scarlet flowers.
There is hardly time to think about

stopping, and lying down at last
to the long afterlife, to the tenderness
yet to come, when 
time will brim over the singular pond, and become forever,

and we will pretend to melt away into the leaves.
As for death,
I can't wait to be the hummingbird,
can you? 

A New Year

And now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been.
 - Rainer Maria Rilka

The holiday break was wonderful, though woefully short. The weather turned brutally cold the weekend of New Year's and just today started to warm up. 

We had a snow day on Thursday, when a storm swept through with a foot of snow and a couple hours of blizzard conditions in the afternoon. Ken got up and went to work before the snow started. Wednesday night I got the call that school would be closed... 

and I reveled in the thought of being home alone all day. There was the gray stillness that precedes a storm, and the house was filled with natural daylight through every window. Coffee in hand, I periodically looked outside for snow. There were sewing projects in progress in two rooms, laundry going downstairs, and preparations for a pie underway in the kitchen. I walked on the treadmill, caught up with people online, worked on organizing last year's photos, and tidied surfaces as I moved through the house.

I wrapped myself in the day, an unexpected opportunity to enjoy all my favorite things at home. 

It may be the last snow day I have at home alone. 

As of today Ken is retired. Officially he is on the rolls until the end of the month, but that's as much a formality with the union as anything. He worked the first week of the new year because of a technicality that will work in his favor. It also gave him a chance to have breakfast and lunch with co-workers to say farewell.

I have known for a year this this day was coming. It wasn't my decision to make but one I have to live with now. I haven't been able to see all that this means for the future, and I had to let go of trying to figure that out. I know I will miss my solitary routines and the days home alone when school is not in session. This is a life-changing event that I have no control over. I haven't written about it and will share few details here about my struggle with this decision over the last year. There have been lots of ins and outs, and there are still some things to put in place. Perhaps as the dust settles I will figure out a way to share how I'm feeling as we go along.

Some months ago I turned to the serenity prayer as I settled into bed for the night. I was reaching for something I could repeat in hopes of soothing my overactive mind so I could get to sleep. I would say all three lines, and then I would repeat the first line again and again, sometimes until I fell asleep ~ God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. It helps, and a week ago it became obvious to me that my word for 2018 is acceptance. It fits. It showed itself and made itself at home to help me start the year.

Thank you to all of you who have stopped by to check in. It has been good to reconnect. I have missed writing and plan to be more present in the coming weeks.

And now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been. 

Coming To Terms

July ended on a high note with nine days in California visiting my son and his family. We enjoyed being a part of their daily activities ~ a trip to the farmers' market, a field trip with our grandson's preschool, dinner cooked on the grill, trips to Home Depot, and my granddaughter's birthday party with friends and family. Ken and I had lunch with friends one afternoon. We enjoyed walks through local downtown areas and saw the ocean from Santa Cruz.

I had the first few days of August at home and then headed to the woods of Maine for a week of "quilt camp." It was officially a retreat, but family style meals in the lodge and sewing in the barn and stitching on the porch felt so much like camp that the nickname stuck. I took with me quilts in various stages of completion so had plenty to do in my free time. I slept great and even read an entire novel, something I have not done in a long time.

I returned home to squeeze every minute out of the days I had left before I had to be back at school. I sewed every day and thought I had a pretty good handle on household organization.

Then I went into school one day near the end of the fourth week of August. I had to unpack everything and get the room set up, and working at it for 28 hours before the first workshop day was barely enough. I was unwilling to give up any more of my summer....

And the struggle continues as I fight to have time for life outside school. I have claimed weekends as my own to sew, cook, work on projects at home, and enjoy the occasional day with family. I learned last winter that I will never get caught up with schoolwork, and this year there is twice the workload with a new online data collection/reporting system. The learning curve is steep and deadlines are always looming.

I am coming to terms with what is my life. Not much matches the plans I had. I spent my first thirty years trying to please others and denying many of my true feelings. I spent the next thirty years coming to terms with who I am and realizing that whatever I do I can't please everyone. Sadly, it's nonsense to think that I will be happy if I am true to myself ~ I have lost friends and many relationships have shifted because not everyone appreciates who I really am. The hardest losses are some of the people I love the most.

Tonight the thought came to me that I am living the wrong life. This isn't who I want to be or what I want to be doing. I don't know what to do other than put one foot in front of the other and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I don't know what the next thirty years will hold, but I do know that the journey continues....

July So Far

July started with the purchase of a 2015 GMC Sierra truck. I have driven it once, and it feels big. I will need to get used to driving a truck again because it has been many years. This is what it looks like in our driveway~

The next two nights we stayed in Bar Harbor, and the first morning the harbor was fogged in~

It cleared by late morning. That afternoon we drove to Northeast Harbor to visit Thuya Gardens, a unique place we discovered 31 years ago and have not been back to see since. It is quite the hike up a hill to the top~

From that same spot I looked back to see Northeast Harbor~

There was still a ways to go. We will stop at the lookout on our way down~

There is an enormous wooden gate at the entrance to the gardens~

And the place is as beautiful and peaceful as we remembered~

Many flowers had gone by, yet the beauty remained~

The peonies were still stunning~

From the lookout I could see the harbor flow into the ocean~

That weekend was a great way to start July. The next week I finished the top to my grandson's quilt~

The weather on the second Saturday in July was perfect for the outdoor concert with Langhorne Slim and The Law~

A friend is dealing with a bear of a health challenge. I decided she needs a quilt in turquoise and rose. I have finished the top~

So there are projects to work on in August, when I get back from a visit with my son and his family in California. My granddaughter turned 1 yesterday, and we have been invited to a party;)

Summer Time

Summer break started three weeks ago today. I didn't want to waste a minute so there has been some stress over where I put my energy ~ what I want to do, what I need to get done, and how I make best use of the days so that I don't feel like I've squandered this time. It is a challenge because I want to feel relaxed and productive, but putting pressure on myself to feel that way doesn't help.

One of the things I promised myself was that I would write here more often. Then I get hung up on getting photos organized so I can post them. Another day goes by. Then another...and another.

So here I am three weeks into summer. Before another day goes by I want to share some thoughts. Photos will have to come later.

I have done a bit of sewing every day I have been home ~ planning, cutting, sewing by machine, and/or stitching by hand. This simple act of sewing every day has made all the difference. My brain slows down and my mind goes into a different mode. Planning a project, working with fabrics and colors, making something new makes me happy. The toughest months over the winter were the times when I thought I didn't have time to sew. I was wrong. Time opened up when I gave myself permission to create. I learned that lesson. I decided this summer I would sew every day, before the house was clean or the errands were finished. Those things will get done regardless.

On the to-do list was to look for a truck for Ken. He still has a company vehicle for now but will need his own wheels when he retires next year. He started looking a year ago at what's available to get a sense of what he wants and what it would cost.

We had planned to go to the Finger Lakes Region in New York the first weekend in July, but we found a truck that might fit the bill. We changed plans and drove a hundred miles north to test drive a few options. It was fun because we weren't under pressure to make a decision, like we were when my car was totaled in March. We found exactly what he wanted and negotiated a price we felt was fair.

Then we drove fifty miles east to stay on the ocean in Bar Harbor for a couple days. It was the perfect thing to do the first weekend in July.

We were home for a quiet day July 4th. Strawberries have been plentiful, and our weekly share of locally farmed vegetables makes meal planning easy. Last weekend we went to our first free LLBean concert of the summer to hear Langhorne Slim and The Law, a fun evening of good music.

Chores outside and in are being addressed ~ a compost bin has been established in the yard and the clutter in the shed is being tended to. I have researched how to best clean the deck and railing and set about finding the right cleaner and tools. I have thoroughly vacuumed the house, from baseboards to windowsills. There are things to go in the attic and a fan or two to come down. There is a bit of painting to do inside and out.

And through it all I will sew because time makes more sense and life is easier when I do.

Photos next time, I promise. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful as the journey continues ~

School Finally Ends

I said over and over that those last forty days of school were a "slog," which is defined as a spell of difficult, tiring work. Yep, that word fits. It was weeks of dealing with challenging behaviors, performing numerous assessments, and completing unending paperwork. The students needed the steadiness of routine, and I needed to be consistent with expectations and follow through ~  all of it tough but necessary if we were going to meet our goals and keep the chaos at bay. I assessed reading levels, gave three writing prompts, and evaluated students' progress in several areas of math. Reading and writing assessments had to be scored and data had to be entered in spreadsheets. Then everything had to be interpreted so it made sense on report cards.

All the while I needed to get the room packed up so I could move the contents to a room at the other end of the building. It wasn't my job to move desks, chairs, and tables, but everything else was up to me. And I needed to do it before the last day because two other teachers needed to move their classroom into my space...while I was still teaching and maintaining some semblance of normalcy.

I made it all work and got it all done because I was laser focused when I was at school.

I had to be because I didn't want to miss a minute of the good stuff that was happening in life outside school. My younger son's wedding was the last weekend in May, and we were lucky to be able to help with a few of the preparations in the weeks before the wedding. My older son and his family came east mid-May to be part of the festivities and to visit with friends and family between Maine and Boston. Weekends were busy with my kids and grandkids, and I loved every minute of it. I soaked up the time we had together because I don't know when we will all have that much time together again.

The wedding weekend was perfect. I was so immersed in the joy of family that I took only a handful of pictures. I thought to take a photo as the reception was winding down, and I'm so glad I did. The bride and groom are still glowing, and I couldn't be happier for them ~

Forty Days

That's how many student days are left in this school year. Any teacher in the building can tell you. It has been a long year. We are all worn down. It didn't matter what we did over April vacation last week - it just felt so good to have a break.

Teachers have zero control over snow days. The superintendent consults the director of public works about the roads, and he talks to other area school districts to see what they plan to do. Then by 5:00 a.m. he makes a decision to call a snow day or a late start if it looks like the roads will be passable in an additional two hours time.

Funny aside: Early one morning in mid-December Ken and I were just about to get up. We heard some lovely orchestral music coming from somewhere. Ken got up and checked the kitchen and living room. There was obviously music coming from somewhere but neither of us could identify from where. I got up and saw my phone blinking. No one calls that phone. I checked the number and then the message; it was a robocall from the superintendent's office that December 12 would be a snow day, our first one. I still don't remember giving them my cell phone number. From then on if it looked like weather would be an issue I went to sleep with my phone on the bedside table. It rang several more times throughout the winter.

The seven snow days were wonderful in real time. I didn't have to drive in bad weather, and each was a gift of a day where I could go back to bed and then spend the day doing whatever I wanted.

Now we pay the piper. The last day for teachers is June 22. That is the second day of summer.

I need to plan something really spectacular for June 23.