Another Year Ends

I don't know what to think about the end of 2011.

It's not that the end of a year marks anything in particular. One day still follows another. Yes, we start a new calendar, and the date changes on our checks; but day comes after night, and each cycle still has 24 hours.

The thing about this year is that it is ending without anything being that much different than last year. I started the year focused on the word "unafraid" and created a vision board that highlighted change and growth and possibility. I took each day as it presented itself, broadened my view of opportunities, and appreciated my good health. I opened my heart.

Still, here I am this new year's eve, stuck in neutral. For all my optimism, I have not found what I am looking for. Instead, the word "lost" comes to mind this night....

So I turned to Mary Oliver for words of wisdom. I pulled New and Selected Poems Volume Two off the shelf and let the book fall open. These are the words I read:

The Owl Who Comes
by Mary Oliver

The owl who comes
through the dark
to sit
in the black boughs of the apple tree

and stare down
the hook of his beak,
dead silent,
and his eyes,

like two moons
in the distance,
soft and shining
under their heavy lashes-

like the most beautiful lie-
is thinking
of nothing
as he watches

and waits to see
what might appear,
briskly,
out of the seamless,

deep winter-
out of the teeming
world below-
and if I wish the owl luck,

and I do,
what am I wishing for that other
soft life,
climbing through the snow?

What we must do,
I suppose,
is to hope the world
keeps its balance;

what we are to do, however,
with our hearts
waiting and watching--truly
I do not know.

On this night, at year's end, my heart continues to wait and watch ~

The Perfect Tree

This year's tree is perfect, not in the strictest sense but in that it matches how life feels right now. I noticed on the lot that this tree was a lighter color than its neighbors. I thought it was a special variety, when the actual reason is because it didn't get enough fertilizer. Even though the tree didn't get all the necessary nutrients, it grew to maturity. Filling one corner of the living room, it's the biggest tree I've ever had. From one vantage point, it's perfect ~

From another view, the holes and gaps and stray limbs are obvious ~

It's the imperfections that make it unique and beautiful.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Another Mystery

I was going to write this post last night. Then I fell asleep in the bathtub and when I woke up I figured it was time to go to bed.

It has been that kind of week ~ some good plans and a few detours.

Last weekend we dealt with a water stain on a ceiling in a downstairs room that has no plumbing directly above it. I know a plumber in town who kindly paid a call on Saturday when she checked everything upstairs: toilets, sinks, shower heads, drains, and every exposed pipe. No water anywhere, which was good news but didn't solve the mystery. We brainstormed all the possibilities and concluded that water being water might have come in during a heavy wind/rain storm around the vent pipe in the roof and wound its way to this particular spot. The water on the ceiling has dried, leaving behind a stained, wrinkled, cracked, peeling patch of paint that will need to be professionally repaired. [Ceilings are hard to fix.]

That's when I realized I wasn't going to be able to make everything perfect for the upcoming holiday. I can do everything in my power but there are things over which I have no control.

This Christmas is a big deal for my family. It's the first time in eight years that my daughter has had the Eve, which is her birthday, and Christmas free and clear, and she has made plans to spend the time with us. My son P is traveling from California with his wife for her first Christmas in Maine. My son T is coming home from Seattle after completing his first quarter of grad school.
I wanted everything to be just right. My first clue to the futility of that should have been when the Anderson window took on a life of its own a few weeks ago ~ those windows are still unwashed. [I am sorry that so many of you have had the same problem.] We will just have to look past the dirt to focus on the beauty outside and the gradual increase in daylight.

I have turned my focus to what I can do, which has been a good thing. I have made four new tablecloths and four sets of cloth napkins. Today I start cleaning this house from top to bottom and next week the baking will begin. We will get a tree on Sunday and decorate as time permits.

I fully anticipate that more obstacles will appear and more mysteries will go unsolved. Such is life....

I did solve the mystery of the missing plant pots. I haven't found the pots but I have spotted various other lightweight items scattered about. Then one morning I saw the younger dog from next door proudly carrying off a piece of kindling from the bin on the porch. Aha! As long as the furniture and the grill stay put we will be okay.

Two Appointments

I had two medical appointments today. I don't usually schedule appointments in places that are 75 miles apart for the same day, but in each case it was the first date available. The time slots were four hours apart so it was okay.

This morning was a repeat visit to Women To Women [W2W], the health center co-founded many years ago by Dr. Christiane Northrup. She is no longer there, but there are professionals who specialize in all things to do with lady parts. I had a pap smear during a yearly physical in July that was normal, but my primary care physician was concerned about white patches on my cervix. Eight years ago I was a patient at W2W when I had some problems that turned out to be related to menopause, with a good resolution, so it made sense to return there for a look-see. Since it had been longer than seven years I was considered a new patient, and all the paperwork was a pain, but they were able to get me in in October.

Then I was seen by Kate, a nurse practitioner who confirmed that I had white patches on my cervix [white blood cells decided to hang out and medical professionals like to know WHY]. She prescribed a different estrogen cream, one that was supposed to be more compatible with my body's chemistry than the Premarin I had been using. After six weeks I was scheduled for another look-see with Marcelle Pick, RNC, MSN, OB/GYN, NP.

I used the free samples of Vagifem that Kate gave me. Then I did some research with my daughter that showed that estrogen cream is basically estrogen cream. Plus my insurance won't cover Vagifem. Plus I had a full tube of Premarin, so Premarin it was for six weeks.

I was nervous this morning. I didn't mean to be, and I tried not to be, but I was. Then I had to try to make sense of my self-prescribed switch from the Vagifem samples to the Premarin cream so the nurse could make a note in my chart. There was some tsk-tsking but there wasn't anything I could do about that after the fact.

My nervousness must have showed because Marcelle [first-name basis at this place] worked hard to put me at ease before the exam. She explained that she might not even have to do a biopsy if everything looked okay. I said I had been through all of this many years ago and she said that they have a better way of doing things now.

Then she took a look and told me I have a beautiful cervix. No problems. Seriously? Yes, all clear. I smiled, thanked her, and treated myself to a muffin on the way out of town. Note to self: the prescribed half a gram of estrogen cream once a week promotes cervical health.

I had time to take a breath and stop at home before my afternoon appointment.

One down and one to go....

The second appointment was with my primary care physician/osteopath to check on my shoulder. She last worked on it in July. My shoulders have been sore and I've felt like I'm out of alignment, so the timing of today's visit was good.

She started with my legs and lower back, and then my abdomen. She was there a long time.

"What's with your gut?" she asked. "Have you had that bug that's going around?"

No, I've been physically healthy. But for weeks I've felt like I'm in a bind. Once again my body has ratted me out. We talked and she worked on my head and shoulders a bit. But the issues stem from my core.

I am literally gut wrenched.

She asked a couple questions. Is there anything I can do about it? No.

There are things out of my control. Something close to home has changed but someone has drawn their line in the sand and I have no say about it. There is nothing I can do about something that deeply affects me.

I'm in a bind. I can't see a solution.

And I need to push it down until after the holidays. I am so looking forward to all of my family being home for Christmas and New Year's. That is all I want to focus on right now.

My stomach will just have to go with the flow until January. The rest of me has a lot to do.

Thanksgiving On Cape Cod

Our drive to Cape Cod was uneventful. By the time we were an hour south of home there was no evidence of snow. My wish for Thanksgiving was to get a look at the water that surrounds the Cape, so before our lovely dinner in Barnstable we found a lane that led us to a view of Cape Cod Harbor, north of the peninsula, from Sandy Neck Beach ~
On the drive back to the B&B I saw the November sky that I had waited all month to see ~

The B&B in Falmouth has a main house ~

And a cottage out back, where we stayed. It had plenty of space for the three of us, but the country charm was tarnished by a musty smell that remained despite our best efforts to air the place out. Our best solutions were to leave the door open when we were there during the day [thank goodness the weather was warm] and to invest in linen-scent-reed-atomizers for each room ~

On Saturday we walked down to Surf Drive Beach, on the south side of the peninsula, for a view of Vineyard Sound. Different from Maine beaches, there were piles of shells and places covered with small stones. There must be more sand at low tide ~

Each morning after breakfast we walked into the village where there were wonderful shops and great places to enjoy coffee, a meal, or dessert ~

Breakfast was served in the dining room of the main house. The table in the back corner by the window was always set for three ~

The parlor, where we were able to access the village's public internet, was decorated for the holidays by the morning we left ~

All in all it was a good trip. Yesterday I picked up a full-sized map of Cape Cod so we can plot where to go on our next visit.