When I Already Know

Most often my answer to uncertainty is education. Don't know what to do next? Take a class. Want to change careers? Get another degree. Feel unsettled in my life? Go back to school.

Then, eventually, I get to the point where I know I can stop looking outside myself for the answers. I know what I want to know if I pay attention and listen.

It came to me this week that I am at that point now in my spiritual life.

This is the final week of Buddha Chick Flight School. It has been an interesting twelve weeks, not because of new information I have learned but because of what I have learned about myself. My response at the beginning of each new module has been Oh, I know this. I have read/heard/believed this before. This is a review, so let me see what I think about it now. Then I read further and realize that I have ideas and opinions about the subject that make sense to me. I finish the lesson and feel grounded in the material and satisfied that I know what I want to know.

Again and again I have done this over the last 35 years. In my search for all I can know I invariably go one step further than I need to, but I don't know that until I get there and realize I already know...

and that what I needed was to trust myself and the knowledge I already have.

It's interesting that this lesson became crystal clear as I finished another course on being calm, clear, and wise. I was already feeling those things, so what more did I want?

As Joanne often says, Own it. That phrase came to me loud and clear this week. I want to own my calm, clarity, and wisdom. I want to own my feelings and trust my responses.

I already know what I want to know. Now I want to live like I believe that.

Mindfulness

The main theme of my current Flight School course is mindfulness. The idea is to pay attention ~ to what I say to myself, to the thoughts I have, to my emotions, and to how I respond to these words, thoughts, and feelings. I have the choice to speak to myself kindly. I can dismiss the thoughts that do not serve me well, just let them go. The key here is to remember that I am not my thoughts, in the same way that I am not my emotions. I may be feeling one way or another, but that feeling does not define who I am. Feelings can move through me if I choose to let them go.

I have been introduced to the work of Sylvia Boorstein through the Buddha Chick courses with Jan Lundy. Sylvia says that every moment of mindfulness is a prayer for peace, an act of compassion for myself and others.

An assignment for one of our Flight School modules was to listen to a talk recorded by Sylvia on the topic of mindfulness. The ideas she shared have been helpful in recent days. I feel like there is little I can do to make the world a better place. I want peace and justice for all. I want people to be able to live their lives with equality and fairness. Any action I might take seems inadequate....

Then I review Sylvia's words:

I cannot stop wars; I can't do much more than control the habits of my mind.

I can't finish the job, but I can't not start.

What is happening is the only thing that could be.

It's a lawful world. There is no blame or fault; there are causes and conditions. Things happen.

When I ask what should I do, the answer is mindfulness.

Every moment of mindfulness is a prayer for peace.

I am reminded that I can control only myself. I make a difference when I am mindful about what I say to myself and others, what I think, and what I feel.

Those feel like small things, but they are things I can do. They are ways to be that make a difference in my life, which in turn impact how I am with others.

Each moment I am mindful I am saying a prayer for peace.

Happy Valentine's Day

The following poem has been around for years. On the television show "Frasier" the character Daphne had the poem on a poster in her room. Sue Patton Thoele was one of the guest mentors during Buddha Chick Basic Training. Her positive take on life is refreshing. I couldn't think of a better time to share this poem than Valentine's Day. May we take these words to heart and love ourselves as we are ~

The Courage to Be Myself
by Sue Patton Thoele

I have the courage to . . .
Embrace my strengths—
Get excited about life—
Enjoy giving and receiving love —
Face and transform my fears—
Ask for help and support when I need it—
Spring free of the Superwoman Trap—
Trust myself—
Make my own decisions and choices—
Befriend myself—
Complete unfinished business—
Realize that I have emotional and practical rights—
Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants—
Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal—
Honor my own needs—
Give myself credit for my accomplishments—
Love the little girl within me—
Overcome my addiction to approval—
Grant myself permission to play—
Quit being a responsibility sponge—
Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately—
Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to—
Choose what is right for me—
Insist on being paid fairly for what I do—
Set limits and boundaries and stick by them—
Say "yes" only when I really mean it—
Have realistic expectations—
Take risks and accept change—
Grow through challenges—
Be totally honest with myself—
Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions—
Respect my vulnerabilities—
Heal old and current wounds—
Favor the mystery of Spirit—
Wave goodbye to guilt—
Plant "flower" not "weed" thoughts in my mind—
Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same—
Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the overflow—
Own my own excellence—
Plan for the future but live in the present—
Value my intuition and wisdom—
Know that I am lovable—
Celebrate the differences between men and women—
Develop healthy, supportive relationships—
Make forgiveness a priority—
Accept myself as I am now--

Flight School

I started Flight School three and a half weeks ago. This is graduate school for Buddha Chick Basic Training graduates.

I haven't mentioned that Flight School started. I went back through end-of-the-year posts and found that I was still on the fence in the last post where I mentioned Buddha Chick classes. [In the process I started a category for Buddha Chick posts.]

It's not a secret that I'm in Flight School. I just haven't been sure where I was or where I am headed in terms of being a Buddha Chick (BC). I am such a feet-on-the-ground type of girl that it's hard for me to pin down my place on the BC continuum.

For the Basic Training class I did the assignments, participated in the conference calls, and felt like I learned the material. It was like what happens when I read some books for the first time: when it's a new concept for me I can read the words but I may not understand all the levels of meaning. I will plow through to get to the end so that I can start again because once I have been exposed to the ideas I can build on that the next time through.

I think I've been this way as long as I have been an adult learner. When I went back to college in 1989 for a degree in teaching, I hadn't taken a class in ten years. I had three children. I had not spoken in complete sentences or finished a thought in a decade. The first semester I took two classes, English Composition [I was exempted from the class right out of high school but now needed the three credits] and Geography. I enjoyed both classes ~ taking notes, participating in class discussions, studying for exams. The creative writing was a natural fit for me. Writing my first research paper about a place in the world? Not so much. I had trouble with every aspect: deciding on a topic, making sense of the books I found, and writing the paper. I literally plowed through and just got it done. I got a B on the paper and was grateful because I didn't have a clue. But I did it. The next time was easier and the rest of my grades were higher.

This is my process when I tackle a topic that's new to me. I go through the motions until something clicks. There is no certain time frame, so I don't panic if it doesn't happen for awhile. I put one foot in front of the other, have patience, and stick with it. Eventually...

Things start to make sense.

Something clicked this week in Flight School. I am still connecting the dots but there is definitely a picture starting to take shape.

The journey continues....

Blame It On Leo

Ken was planning to bring the tree into the house on Saturday, but Leo needed a place to take a nap ~

This morning I was going to put lights on the tree but Leo staked out the Christmas box ~

So I finished a lap quilt with the squares left from the materials for two quilts for a friend's sons ~

One with splashes of red ~

And one with lots of green ~

And I reviewed the lessons from the Buddha Chick course, trying to decide if I want to take the "graduate" course that starts in January ~

Leo is to blame for all of today's productivity.

Contrasts

Last Wednesday I took myself to the ocean ~ to walk on the sand, feel the wind, and watch the waves. I can't remember the last time I went to the beach by myself ~

Today's weather is quite a contrast. Morning rain pelted the living-room windows and forced leaves from the trees ~

As I thought about these two days a week apart I was struck by the contrast, not only in the weather but in how my internal conversation has shifted.
These days it's very quiet in my mind.
I grew up with the admonition: If you can't say something nice, then say nothing at all.
Since I made the commitment a week ago to stop my negative self-talk, I haven't had a lot to say to myself. I realize now that I really don't know what to say when it's just me. I've had plenty of time to figure this out because I spend large quantities of time alone. Yet when I stop all the busy chatter and cease the negative comments, it gets very quiet.
This week's lesson in the Buddha Chick course is to befriend ourselves.
Huh. Well then. That is something to think about.
I am to make five promises that will enhance my well-being, five things I will do to befriend myself.
So far I have one thing: I will say "yes" to requests only when I really mean it.
I try to be a good friend to others. I'm not sure why it's so hard to be a friend to myself.

Resistance And Release

I have been doing exercises with my right arm for three weeks, since I saw the doctor for pain in my shoulder. They are simple, lifting-without-so-much-as-a-soup-can, exercises where I bring my arm up to shoulder height in the front, to the side, and at an angle.

The pain in my arm has worsened. I've started using muscles that have not been doing their job, and they are not happy, especially at night if I roll over on my arm or position it the wrong way.

On Sunday my daughter asked me to relax my shoulders. I did. She asked me again and put her hands on my shoulders. I thought I was relaxed, and she thought otherwise. She promised to show me some breathing exercises.

More breathing exercises.

So Monday morning's massage couldn't have come at a better time. Between my shoulder and my attempts at breathing, I needed more help.

My massage therapist worked on my right shoulder and arm for one hour. A solid hour of massaging and working with muscles, large and small, in my shoulder and all up and down my arm.

We talked while she worked. I told her about the Buddha Chick class I'm taking and how I have been observing what I say to myself. I have always thought that if I had high expectations and pushed myself, I would be successful at everything I wanted to accomplish. I am the first, and often only, critic when I don't reach my goals.

We talked about changing our thinking, how we can actually re-map our minds. She mentioned that my right side is the "doing" side and my left side is the "being" side. She gently said that was only an observation...and we both knew how accurate it was.

My perennial thinking and doing are making my body tired and sore.

I shared the work I am doing with my breathing. We reviewed the anatomy around my "center" and how breathing aids the opening and relaxation of that area.

And my upper right arm released. I could feel the muscles shift. The muscles let go and my shoulder relaxed.

I don't think it was a coincidence that earlier that morning I made a commitment to stop the negative self-talk. Enough is enough. A few days before I wrote down the "weed" thoughts I say to myself and was surprised at how hard I am on myself.

I have always thought that if I could just push myself enough....

That what? I couldn't tell you. Just that I needed to stay tough to keep myself on track. To where? To achieve, to succeed, to be famous or rich? Because I was never satisfied. There was always the next thing to strive for, be it education or a job....

I just mis-typed "joy" instead of job.

Again with the tears. The side effect of all this release is that the flood gates have opened and the tears flow at the drop of a hat. I'd blame it on hormones, but those days are over. It's just me, feeling everything. At the end of a recent post Laura wrote that tears are good, healing.

Striving for joy. That is what being a Buddha Chick is all about. I thought if I worked hard enough for all the other things, the joy would follow.

It occurs to me now that maybe joy is where it all begins.

The breathing continues....

Breathing

Yesterday morning I had a yoga lesson. I had on my stretch pants and was raring to get started. In 1999 I took a few yoga classes and, though I remembered only a couple poses, I was sure the basics would come back to me with a little help.

I was meeting with a woman, a doctor, who has practiced yoga for a large part of her life. She started by talking about how yoga is not a series of poses, but a frame of mind. The intention is to focus on our breath, and from there we learn to quiet our minds, feel our bodies, and open our hearts. I shared that those are the things I want to learn to do. She stressed that poses are only a part of yoga practice. If we focus on the poses, then we are exercising. It is our breath and the mind/body connection that is the essence of yoga.

We sat in chairs opposite each other.

She showed me how to roll my spine as I breathed ~ breathe in and roll forward, sitting up straight and opening my chest; breathe out and roll back, curving my spine.

She showed me how to breathe as I stretched to each side.

It was a simple demonstration really. Two basic ways to breathe in and out, while I open and stretch.

The session wasn't what I expected. I thought I would learn poses to practice. I wanted to come away with full-sized actions to take and movements to learn. I want to "do" yoga.

Instead, I am learning to breathe. Turns out that the breath is basic to yoga, the same way it is with meditation. It's a small thing, breathing, and it is the most important thing our body can do.

When I take a deep breath, my body takes in necessary oxygen. When I focus on my breath, my mind slows down. As my thoughts slow, there is room to listen to what is beyond my thoughts.

Instead of searching for what my heart says, maybe I need to quiet and listen. There is so much thinking going on that it would be hard for my heart to be heard.

My life is not busy.
I have the time.
My days pass slowly.
The decision is mine.

While my mind says to get out in the world and take action, my body asks me to quiet down inside. Everywhere I turn for answers ~ massage, acupuncture, meditation, birth chart, Buddha Chick class, yoga ~ turns me back toward my self....

And breathing.

Conversation

The end of August Joanne at Whole Latte Life ran a post called "One Word" ~ she wanted to know, in one word, what we can't get enough of. My answer was conversation. That was the first thought that came to my mind, and after I thought about it that was still my answer.

Conversation. It's how we share what we think and how we feel, what matters to us and what we dream about. It's how we get to know others and how people get to know who we are.

When Ken and I were dating we had conversations, face to face, not on the phone. We could sit for hours drinking coffee and talking. We never ran out of things to talk about.

Once we had children we still had conversations. Although we talked a lot about the kids, we still made time to talk about ourselves and our marriage.

As the kids got older, they joined our conversations. My kids like to talk as much as I do. It was routine for us to talk about our day over dinner. My greatest pleasure on the weekends was long, leisurely conversations over breakfast; that is still my favorite part of the visit when any of my children are home.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. My homework during week 1 of the Buddha Chick class was to observe what bothers me, without judgment or trying to fix it. There isn't much that bothers me at this point in my life. I have been in the process of learning who I am and how I respond for 25 years, and in that time I have let most of the small annoyances of life fall by the wayside.

Through my observations I learned that the thing that bothers me the most is how little Ken and I communicate. I miss those long talks about what we think and how we feel and what we wish for.

The class includes writing and reading and listening and sharing. I had a chance to reflect on some of my thoughts with Jan through email. Writing things out helped clarify what I was thinking and feeling.

Over the course of several days I let my words sit without trying to fix anything. There were tears as I wondered how any of this could possibly help the situation or lead to any solution.

This week, lesson 2, the homework was to observe what brings me pleasure. That was an easy list to make because there are so many things I do to take care of myself and keep myself entertained. I always have something to do, often by myself, and I am never bored.

Between the work of week 1 and week 2 something has shifted. I see now that I thought the lack of communication was a reflection on me and my value. That is totally a product of my thinking; this is my issue and not anyone's fault. How much other people talk to me is not connected to my self worth.

I wonder if what I have observed has anything to do with how bound up my "core" has been, complete with tight muscles and lower back pain. I question if this is why, in so many situations, I often don't say what I'm thinking or I censor what I do say.

I haven't changed anything. I have made observations, jotted down thoughts in a journal, practiced Metta Loving-Kindness for myself and others, and paid attention to how my body feels.

I feel encouraged that the more I learn about myself the better I will feel, physically and emotionally and spiritually. The journey continues....

Last Week In September

Here I am at the start of another October. Forty-seven years ago this week-end my family moved into the first and only house my parents would own. Thirty-two years ago this week-end my husband and I moved into our first house. Two years ago this week-end Leo showed up on our porch.

Things happen when they happen, so I am always amazed when dates overlap like that. There are 365 days in a year, so why do life events so often happen on dates that are already significant?

This past week was the first week of the Buddha Chick course. We received Lesson 1 on Monday, which was to observe our reactions and feelings this week. We had a conference call Wednesday evening, and it was good to hear the voices of other participants. There is a members-only blog and a discussion thread on FaceBook. There has been a lot to take in this first week.

So I have been surprised by how calm I feel. I have had practice with observing myself; it's something I have been working on for a long time with my massage therapist.

My calm surprises me because I now know that this week has been a time for me to come to terms with the knowledge that I am facing another shift in my life. I am not sure what it will be, but after three years in this state of transition I know it's time. I have been through these "growth spurts" before and I know it will be a time of gains and losses. I am glad that I recognized these feelings, while I am sad that the all the "dancing" I have been doing will not be able to save me from what's ahead.

In the past three years I have tried everything I can think of ~ from applying for dozens of jobs to starting a business to coloring my hair to learning to meditate.

Then this summer the clamor for change got louder.

I had my birth chart read. I was told I need a lot of freedom; as an Aquarius I bring a new perspective; I have been holding myself back and have a fear of letting go. It is in my nature, according to my chart, to speak the truth, do things my own way, and to speak what's in my heart.

The problem is that what my heart has to say has been buried for so long that I can't hear it. I stated this week that my intention during the Buddha Chick course is to learn to listen to my heart. That means that I need to clear away the static and pay close attention.

I saw my doctor, a DO, yesterday for a sore shoulder. She started by working on my sacrum. She said, "Sharon, this is your core. It's being stubborn. What's been going on with you?"

And this mirrored a conversation I had earlier in the day with a friend who said, "Sharon, this was a big year for you. All of your children have made it clear that they are independent of you. How are you doing with that?"

As I lay on the treatment table yesterday, in a clinic that used to be a hospital where both of my sons were born, I thought about the days that each of my children were born. Then I thought about my youngest getting his first apartment this April, and my oldest establishing new boundaries with me in May, and my middler giving it to me straight in June.

As much as I want things to settle down, life has become even more unsettled.

I know this is a sign that a big shift is coming. I have been holding this at bay because inevitably it means that there will losses. I have been here before and know of what I speak. It's hard to let go of what isn't working, and it hurts to lose what has been important for so long.

By definition change cannot happen if all things stay the same.

So it has been a quiet week, externally. Inside, I am bracing for what's next.

Click On "Restart"

My computer was acting all wonky, slow to respond and having trouble with uploads. I ran updates and scans, which didn't help much. Then I clicked on "restart." All better now.

I realized I need to find my personal "restart" button.

My stomach has been in knots for weeks. I thought it was due to the nervous excitement of the wedding, yet there has been little relief in the weeks since.

Not that other things haven't come up. There have been problems with the car, which turned out to be fixable. Leo has now been to the vet twice and still is not feeling 100%. News from all family fronts is not sunshine and rainbows.

I ran through my usual repertoire of strategies when life gets wonky, but they didn't help much.

Time to click on "restart."

This week I started walking on the treadmill again. I have made the commitment to get on the treadmill every day. Every. Single. Day.

I have signed up for Jan Lundy's "Buddha Chick"online class. It starts the end of this month and will include conference calls, podcasts, and homework. I have made the commitment to do every assignment, even the ones that make me feel uncomfortable. Every. Single. Assignment.

This morning I registered for a new offering through the local adult education program, a 40-hour certificate course in Microsoft Office Skills. With this course I will enhance my knowledge of Word, Excel, Access, PowerPoint, and Outlook. I will have class two nights a week starting in October. I have made the commitment to practice with these programs until I can easily use each one. I. Will. Practice.

This week I have an appointment for massage therapy. Next week is acupuncture. The following week I have an appointment for osteopathic treatment, my first one in more than five years. Something is out of whack and needs attention.

I feel out of sync with the life I want. I can't continue to go through the motions and hope that it becomes real. That is not working.

Restart. Click.