2-22-22

 When I first noticed the two's in the dates this month I did not look far enough ahead to see that the best "number" day ever was today. My birthday is this month, and my middle child's birthday is tomorrow, so February is a good month in a normal year. 

As an adult my birthday was a bigger deal when the kids were younger. I made sure there was cake and Ken helped with gifts when they were too young to bake or shop on their own. When they moved out of the house they remembered, and they still do, which is what really matters to me.

I used to set goals for when I would turn a certain age. Sometimes I met them and sometimes I needed more time, which was okay because I had started working towards something I wanted. I set the goal to have my college degree by age 35; I graduated at 36 which was close enough for me. I had my first full-time teaching position two years later.

I started that job with all the optimism and enthusiasm of a first-year teacher at any age. Within weeks the joy was gone ~ I found myself in an untenable situation, co-teaching with a person who everyone knew needed to be removed from the classroom. No one would step forward to say or do what needed to be done. In January I told the principal that I would not return to work with this person the next year due to the situation, and he asked me if I would be willing to help correct the problem. I had nothing to lose, so I said yes. Another new-to-the-school teacher also agreed to speak up. At the outset, we did not know what the outcome would be...and we didn't know until the day after school was out in June that the problem person was transferred to another building to be closely supervised.

The interim months were stressful and difficult. I was in survival mode, trying to make it to the end of the schoolyear. I decided to take a personal day for my birthday, determined not to spend that day in that place with that person. I thought about what I wanted to do just for me, what I could do to take care of myself. I wanted to be at the ocean. I drove to Camden, bought a cup of coffee, and sat in the harbor on that cold February day. It was the perfect thing to do. 

I thought about that day yesterday at the ocean, this time at Popham Beach with my husband and granddaughter. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the waves rolled in as we walked along the shore. It wasn't my exact birthday but the sentiment was the same ~ time to reflect and be grateful for another year. I have mixed feelings about this aging thing and am working to find ways to be okay with the inevitable. More days like yesterday are sure to help.   

June Update

The start of summer marks the end of 15 weeks of "staying safe at home," the prosaic name the governor has given this period of time. One hundred five days. The 100th day of school is celebrated with games, math puzzles, stories, and special snacks. The particular 100-day mark that passed in this house last week was acknowledged for the fact that we are still healthy and have routines in place to get through the next hundred days and the hundred after that if need be.

Maine has not "opened" as quickly as some people would like, but the number of COVID-19 cases are holding steady; that's proof enough that we are doing things the right way. My osteopath's office has opened, but there are so many safety procedures in place that I have put off making an appointment. Ken has a dental appointment scheduled next month, so we'll see what that involves. My hair is the longest it has been in more than three decades, which isn't a choice so much as a product of the time. It's gotten to the point where it's manageable if I keep my bangs trimmed.

June has had the perfect weather. The first two weeks the days were in the 60's and nights in the 40's, with just enough rain to keep things watered and growing. The last week has been dry, though we do need rain at this point, and summer weather arrived at just the right time. Last weekend we made our first trip to the ocean and enjoyed the beach while social distancing. This weekend we enjoyed a socially distanced picnic dinner on my daughter's patio; our first take-out pizza in three months was delicious. Today I bought tickets online for a no-contact drive-in movie Friday night, a showing of "Back to the Future." It's an oldie but a goodie, and I will just enjoy looking up at the big screen.

This month our household jumped into the 21st century with a major technological advancement: we now have internet via fiber optic cable. The engineer, linemen, and technicians made all their visits and accomplished all their work while practicing social distancing. It was impressive. Fortunately, Ken knew how to do all the work that fell to the homeowners so we were able to get everything done in good time. And it works great! The first few days I was cautiously optimistic. Now that we've run multiple devices over a period of days at a variety of times in the house and on the deck, I am confident that we are all set. Tomorrow I will cancel the DSL service. If wifi calling works as we hope it will with our cell phones, I will cancel the land line next month. This development is a huge boon for our household for which I am grateful.

In the last few days I have decided that I am not ready to let go of teaching. I hadn't decided to "get done" and I don't like the idea of letting circumstances dictate that for me. I am not actively looking for a job as no one knows what school will look like in the fall; I have decided to maintain my certification which is up for renewal next year. My daughter-in-law shared info about quality online university courses she has taken, so I'm looking forward to taking two in the next several months. I love an excuse to go back to school.

The journey continues....

Time to Write

Last summer everything seemed possible.

After my trip to Scotland, Ken and I took a road trip to see family in West Virginia and friends in Pennsylvania. We came home to do yard work and spend time with kids and grandkids ~ the weather was perfect for trips to the beach and cook-outs. I made it a point to enjoy every day of the season.

Then autumn arrived and I found the ideal long-term substitute teaching job. It started three weeks into October, which gave me time to get the house in order and organize quilting projects to do in the evenings. The 7:10 start time was early and the days were long, but I enjoyed teaching the 4th and 5th graders, my favorite age group. Snow days delayed the end of my commitment until January 29. I accomplished the goals I had set for the class and left on good terms with students and staff, so it was another good teaching experience.

I had such plans once I was home again! The first few weeks I spent cleaning house and catching up on my sleep. I started more quilting projects and tried new recipes. I relished time with family. I committed to getting back on the treadmill and found that mid-morning is a time I can stick to.

I have drafted several blog posts in my head but have been reluctant to spend much time on the computer. I was going to post pics when quilts were finished and while we were on a trip to New York's wine country. Then life changed....

In February we heard about a virus spreading through Asia and a cruise trip. Soon reports of COVID-19 in Italy made the headlines. Then cases were reported in Washington, California, and New York. We were not alarmed, but the more we listened and watched the more convinced we were that this epidemic is serious. We cancelled our plans for New York out of what we hoped was extreme caution. 

It turns out it wasn't extreme at all. It was common sense. Maine was one of the last states to verify cases of the virus. It's here now. We are in close touch with our sons in the Boston area, both of whom are working from home for the foreseeable future. We are available to help our daughter with day care if she is called in to work. And I have time to work on all the projects, including writing here.

My word for the year is curiously appropriate for where I find myself. I'll share next time.

The journey continues....

Mid-July

On June 19 school ended on a high note. Twice in the last two weeks of school the principal told me how well my students had done on assessments. She tracks data for all students in the school, and while I knew my students had made progress academically I didn't realize how much improvement they had shown. I was their teacher for two-thirds of the year and it mattered that I did a good job. I was pleased they had matured socially and felt they were all ready for second grade. Students were happy. Parents thanked me for being there. It was a good experience, and I'm glad I had the opportunity to teach in that particular school.

I hit the ground running the minute school vacation started. Day one I cleared out the family room to clean and declutter. Two days later I tackled my sewing room, cleaning and organizing and pulling out fabric for my next quilt. I've tried to make time to sew at least a square each day and almost have enough to lay out to see how it looks.

The rest of the house was put in order just in time for our Boston grandchildren to come for a visit. It had been exactly a year since my son and daughter-in-law moved east. They have been incredibly busy so it was nice to relax and visit for a couple days. Piper turns three on Saturday so we will be there to celebrate with family and friends. We went down in early June to see our grandson graduate from preschool. It is pure joy to have family living close enough that we can see them regularly. Since our younger son and his wife bought a house in February, we have our choice of places to stay, which is a luxury we never imagined.

We also relish the time we spend with our daughter and granddaughter who live locally. Whether at our house or theirs, we enjoy the chance to visit and play and share meals.

Back on the home front, I decided this was the summer to attend to the flower beds. They have been neglected since I went back to teaching because I haven't wanted to spent precious summer days weeding and fertilizing the clay soil that is everywhere. As luck would have it I had a long conversation with a local gardener in early July. We have talked before but I hadn't shared the full story of what I was up against. I was startled when she said it is impossible to amend clay soil enough to make it able to support plants and flowers. She advised me to use that soil as a base and build up twelve inches with loam and compost. That's a lot of dirt! And our house is on a slope which presents another whole set of problems. Ken and I have been hard at work, and I'm almost ready to share photos of the first flower bed we have completely rebuilt.

Summer is here and anything seems possible. I love that feeling~

Breathing Into It

I went back to work the last week in January, and the first three days I did okay. I was tired but had a lot to catch up on so needed to keep going. I had emailed lesson plans every day I was out and needed to get a handle on all of it. I'd never had bronchitis take that much out of me.

By Thursday that week I was coughing again and exhausted. I dragged myself in Friday and must have looked sick because the school secretary offered to get coverage for my class that afternoon. I made it through and called the doctor for a Saturday appointment. Pneumonia. I had pneumonia for the first time in my life. The good news was a prescription for antibiotics. The bad news was that I was down for the count again. I couldn't be on my feet for any length of time. I lost another whole weekend and missed two more days of work.

I had to get back to work on Wednesday. I did not have another day of remote lesson plans in me.

I had learned my lesson the first round and knew I needed enough rest to fully recover. I rested after work and got seven hours of sleep every night. In the past, when I'd been sick and then got back on my feet, I would zip around like a crazy woman catching up and making everything right again.

Not this time. I did what had to be done at work and took it easy at home. Ken was recovering from weeks of not feeling 100% so we kept life simple. Once we were sure we were on the mend we saw all the kids and grandkids; we took long drives and made comfort food for dinner; I was able to sit at the sewing machine. I knew we were okay when we took a long walk through a local downtown on a sunny afternoon.

A residual problem is a pain on my right side. With all the coughing I put a rib out of place or pulled a muscle or some combination of both. My massage therapist and DO are working my body through the problem. They tell me to "breathe into it." So I am ~ breathing into it.

That's really good advice for getting through all kinds of things. 

Word 2019

My word for 2018 was acceptance. It was the perfect word for more reasons than I could have known. Many nights I went to sleep saying the serenity prayer: Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ken has been retired almost a full year. People ask him if he has plans, and he responds no. People ask him if he's busy, and he says no. In good weather he goes for rides on his motorcycle. He putters in the garage. He's content.

Acceptance.

At the end of the summer, Ken got hearing aids for the first time. The volume on the television came down. He heard what I said the first time I said it, and we had regular conversations in a normal tone. Then Ken decided he didn't like hearing everything and stopped wearing the hearing aids.

Acceptance.

When I returned to work in September I suspected things were not going to change. I couldn't have known that expectations would be amped up and micro-managing by administration would increase. I accepted the reality, but I realized that I didn't have to live with it. There is a difference between acceptance and surrender. I didn't surrender; I made a change.

After a year with acceptance I have made it a permanent part of my way of thinking. This has already been tested and I passed. I have been sick with viral bronchitis for ten days, the sickest I have ever been with a bronchial illness. I was in bed for three days, then saw a doctor who told me to take over the counter drugs that really did very little. That was a week ago and slowly I have gotten better. I wasn't able to be up for more than a few minutes at a time until Thursday. I guess my body was enforcing the "rest" part of recovery. I missed five days of work without pay because I'm not under contract. I feel up to returning to the classroom tomorrow and will take it slow.

Acceptance.

My word for this year came clear early on this year. I have tested it out over the last two weeks to see if it holds when life isn't cooperating with what I want to do. I had plans for January! I have projects to finish! I have family to see and places to go! The word for this year held. Through being sick and miserable I was able to find joy.

The word came to me after spending November and December with my children and grandchildren on a regular basis. My children are a joy to spend with ~ they are active, involved with family and friends, and have interesting jobs. My grandchildren find joy in dancing, playing, eating pizza and hot dogs, snow, snuggly blankets, bedtime stories, and skyping with Mimi (that's me).

While I was out of commission, I found joy in my children's regular phone calls and texts. Once I felt better, my granddaughter in Boston wanted to video chat with Mimi. Pure joy on my part.

Joy is my word for this year, and I'm planning to make it permanent, too.

Beginning Again

I have just had a ten-day winter break. It was wonderful to have time with family and time to catch up with all the things I hadn't had time to do for months.

The week before break I started a new job. I'm teaching first grade in a small school close to the coast. I first learned about the school four years ago and there are not often openings. It was just by chance that I saw the ad for this job when I did in early October. I'd had a frustrating day and checked a statewide website to see what openings there were in the area, not expecting to apply anywhere. This first grade opening was listed: a teacher needed from mid-December to the end of the year. I figured they already had someone lined up so I didn't give it a serious thought.

Things at school were not improving and there was no sign that anything was going to change. Mid-October I checked the website again and noted the ad was still active. I didn't think I had the time or energy to update my resume and get an application packet together. By the end of the month I figured I didn't have anything to lose. The closing date was October 31 so I spent the weekend before putting everything together; Ken put it in the mail for me two days before the deadline.

By the end of that week I had an interview lined up for November 6, when I faced a serious interview committee for 45 minutes of thorough questioning. I was glad to have the chance to learn more about the school but couldn't get a read on how well I did. I must have done okay because a week later I got a job offer. I accepted and two days later tendered my letter of resignation effective December 14.

In the past I have never considered leaving a class during the school year. This year was different for two reasons: the students work well together, and there is a talented educational technician in the room every day. I know the students will be fine because they will support each other, and they will have a consistent adult in the room.

It was up to me to make a change because the situation wasn't going to. I miss the people I worked with. To a person they were kind and generous as they wished me well. They all understand, which made leaving easier. People commented that I looked happier. The woman in the mirror agrees.

So here I go, truly beginning again. Let the journey continue....

Now September

I am into my third week of school. Teachers hit the ground running, and we haven't had time to stop. The needs are many. It's all hands on deck all the time. I have had three IEP meetings already and another one is scheduled for later this week. Assessments are already underway and will continue through this month. It's like we never left.

I had hoped I wouldn't be back this year. I gave myself permission to think about that possibility after April break. It was the only way I could see myself able to finish the year. Mid-May I took a hard look at my room and started organizing it so I could slowly, discreetly take everything that is personally mine home with me. It worked. On the last day of school I was the first one out of the building. I had all the paperwork done, the room ready for cleaning, and no need to return for anything should that be possible.

Every single day of summer was wonderful. There was literally not a bad day. As I wrote in my last post, the summer started strong and it continued that way right up until the last day, when my son and his family were wrapping up a five-day visit. We even had a chance to get the three cousins together that Sunday.

I had until the last day of July to say I wouldn't return for this school year. A teacher "can't" resign in August, and after that they are required by contract to give 30 days notice.

I met with my financial advisor in late July. I had done the numbers before the meeting and was sure what the score was: it would be better for me to keep working. We would be okay if I got done, but there would be no wiggle room. By working another year I can add more to my retirement and put more money in savings. It also gives us time to better invest Ken's 401K in a diversified portfolio with a better average return, and we won't need to dip into that for at least another year. We will by no means ever being living high. The goal is to feel secure enough with what we have on the books, even if there is an unexpected expense, which we know there will be somewhere along the way.

So I'm back in the classroom. I know I will do what is best for the kids. My struggle is to take care of myself, too. Some mornings the vertigo is back. I start with intention and work to stay present. I am staying later at school to work and hope to get to the point where I don't bring work home in the evenings.

I have claimed weekends as mine and don't plan to do schoolwork. There's still time to go the beach with my daughter and granddaughter. There are planned visits this coming weekend with all the grown children and three grandchildren. These are the people I love and the moments that matter the most. The rest is day-to-day and what needs to get done will get done. We'll see how it goes.

Two grandchildren at the beach ~

The three cousins ~

Coming To Terms

July ended on a high note with nine days in California visiting my son and his family. We enjoyed being a part of their daily activities ~ a trip to the farmers' market, a field trip with our grandson's preschool, dinner cooked on the grill, trips to Home Depot, and my granddaughter's birthday party with friends and family. Ken and I had lunch with friends one afternoon. We enjoyed walks through local downtown areas and saw the ocean from Santa Cruz.

I had the first few days of August at home and then headed to the woods of Maine for a week of "quilt camp." It was officially a retreat, but family style meals in the lodge and sewing in the barn and stitching on the porch felt so much like camp that the nickname stuck. I took with me quilts in various stages of completion so had plenty to do in my free time. I slept great and even read an entire novel, something I have not done in a long time.

I returned home to squeeze every minute out of the days I had left before I had to be back at school. I sewed every day and thought I had a pretty good handle on household organization.

Then I went into school one day near the end of the fourth week of August. I had to unpack everything and get the room set up, and working at it for 28 hours before the first workshop day was barely enough. I was unwilling to give up any more of my summer....

And the struggle continues as I fight to have time for life outside school. I have claimed weekends as my own to sew, cook, work on projects at home, and enjoy the occasional day with family. I learned last winter that I will never get caught up with schoolwork, and this year there is twice the workload with a new online data collection/reporting system. The learning curve is steep and deadlines are always looming.

I am coming to terms with what is my life. Not much matches the plans I had. I spent my first thirty years trying to please others and denying many of my true feelings. I spent the next thirty years coming to terms with who I am and realizing that whatever I do I can't please everyone. Sadly, it's nonsense to think that I will be happy if I am true to myself ~ I have lost friends and many relationships have shifted because not everyone appreciates who I really am. The hardest losses are some of the people I love the most.

Tonight the thought came to me that I am living the wrong life. This isn't who I want to be or what I want to be doing. I don't know what to do other than put one foot in front of the other and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I don't know what the next thirty years will hold, but I do know that the journey continues....

School Finally Ends

I said over and over that those last forty days of school were a "slog," which is defined as a spell of difficult, tiring work. Yep, that word fits. It was weeks of dealing with challenging behaviors, performing numerous assessments, and completing unending paperwork. The students needed the steadiness of routine, and I needed to be consistent with expectations and follow through ~  all of it tough but necessary if we were going to meet our goals and keep the chaos at bay. I assessed reading levels, gave three writing prompts, and evaluated students' progress in several areas of math. Reading and writing assessments had to be scored and data had to be entered in spreadsheets. Then everything had to be interpreted so it made sense on report cards.

All the while I needed to get the room packed up so I could move the contents to a room at the other end of the building. It wasn't my job to move desks, chairs, and tables, but everything else was up to me. And I needed to do it before the last day because two other teachers needed to move their classroom into my space...while I was still teaching and maintaining some semblance of normalcy.

I made it all work and got it all done because I was laser focused when I was at school.

I had to be because I didn't want to miss a minute of the good stuff that was happening in life outside school. My younger son's wedding was the last weekend in May, and we were lucky to be able to help with a few of the preparations in the weeks before the wedding. My older son and his family came east mid-May to be part of the festivities and to visit with friends and family between Maine and Boston. Weekends were busy with my kids and grandkids, and I loved every minute of it. I soaked up the time we had together because I don't know when we will all have that much time together again.

The wedding weekend was perfect. I was so immersed in the joy of family that I took only a handful of pictures. I thought to take a photo as the reception was winding down, and I'm so glad I did. The bride and groom are still glowing, and I couldn't be happier for them ~

Forty Days

That's how many student days are left in this school year. Any teacher in the building can tell you. It has been a long year. We are all worn down. It didn't matter what we did over April vacation last week - it just felt so good to have a break.

Teachers have zero control over snow days. The superintendent consults the director of public works about the roads, and he talks to other area school districts to see what they plan to do. Then by 5:00 a.m. he makes a decision to call a snow day or a late start if it looks like the roads will be passable in an additional two hours time.

Funny aside: Early one morning in mid-December Ken and I were just about to get up. We heard some lovely orchestral music coming from somewhere. Ken got up and checked the kitchen and living room. There was obviously music coming from somewhere but neither of us could identify from where. I got up and saw my phone blinking. No one calls that phone. I checked the number and then the message; it was a robocall from the superintendent's office that December 12 would be a snow day, our first one. I still don't remember giving them my cell phone number. From then on if it looked like weather would be an issue I went to sleep with my phone on the bedside table. It rang several more times throughout the winter.

The seven snow days were wonderful in real time. I didn't have to drive in bad weather, and each was a gift of a day where I could go back to bed and then spend the day doing whatever I wanted.

Now we pay the piper. The last day for teachers is June 22. That is the second day of summer.

I need to plan something really spectacular for June 23.

Word 2017

Once again time has gotten away from me, though that is not the only thing that has kept me from writing. There wasn't much positive to share. I was teaching or thinking about teaching pretty much day and night, and until three weeks ago I was banging my head against a wall on every front.

Then three weeks ago there was a major shift. From the first day in the room in November I kept detailed records of behavior issues in my classroom. I knew where the problems were and I knew what needed to be done. Early on I had conversations with administration, and I continued to advocate for my students. Finally three weeks ago a move was made, and it has made all the difference. I now have a class I can work with.

Once I had a handle on behavior management, I could tackle curriculum and assessment. That will continue to be a process but at least I know how to find the information I need. I might not ever "catch up" this year, but I will meet deadlines. More importantly I am getting to know the kids and what best serves their learning needs.

Then there was the issue of my personal goal-setting. I was completely confused about what I was supposed to document and what forms I was supposed to use. Finally last weekend I determined that I had two separate tasks conflated and that there was no way to complete the task until I figured that out. Hours later I had completed the longest and most detailed goal document of the two, but something wasn't sitting right with me. After all my research and conversations I had with two teachers on my hall I had a crazy question: did I have to do this particular goal setting? Tuesday night I emailed the person in charge of certification and Wednesday I had my answer: a resounding NO, I did not have to do that paperwork because while I am new to the district I am not a "new" teacher! Phew! I regretted the hours spent but I was grateful that I was finally able to straighten things out.

When I look back at the last three months it makes sense that I have been exhausted. The demands have been many. It has felt like there was no relief in sight.

Then there was...in the form of shift and insight and support from unlikely places.

Along the way there has been wisdom shared, from my osteopath and my massage therapist, to take care of myself and to believe that I'm in the right place for the right reasons, to give myself a break, and to breathe. That was reinforced with the words of Mark Nepo. For January 31 he writes, "Yet when we feel the reflex to hold on, that is usually the moment we need to let go. When we feel the urgency to speed up, that is typically the instant we need to slow down."  We do that when we breathe. He goes on to say that while change is overwhelming, it happens one breath at a time.

Some days it has felt like the only thing I can do successfully is keep breathing, for if I give myself a chance to get to the next moment something will break open and light will creep in.

Because the journey continues, my word for 2017 is breathe.

As The Year Ends

It seems fitting that I put my back out today. It happened innocently enough - I leaned over to make the bed and felt the spasm. It will work itself out, but it has been a nuisance all day. I can walk slowly and a hot bath helped. Now I'm watching the clock so I can see with my own eyes the start of a new year.

I am ready. The last four months have been beyond stressful. I want to make a conscious decision to start fresh the minute a new year arrives.

At the start of the school year I was working as a special education teacher. I was in over my head but did the best I could for students and teachers. When I learned about an opening for a classroom teacher I asked to be considered for the position. Two days later I heard that I had the job, and I started in the classroom the Monday after Thanksgiving.

I have been a second grade teacher for 17 days. After the first week someone asked me how I was doing. I replied that I am still drowning, but I know this pool. 

I am the third teacher in the room since the start of school, and my task has been to begin at the beginning. Classroom management is my first priority. Getting a handle on curriculum is the second.

Taking care of myself is my third priority. To that end I have seen my osteopath regularly. She told me this week I need time to rest and to heal. There is a lot going on and my body is processing all of it. We talk about how to not take things personally, how to let emotions move through me, how to protect myself with love and compassion for myself and others, how to stay soft when the instinct is to turn hard, and how to accept what happens.

Support and encouragement show up at exactly the right moments ~ a friend calls to check in, another invites us to dinner, and a snow day is a welcome reprieve.

This week another sign came in the form of the daily meditation in Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening for December 27: 

     Without hope for the future, without hope that things will change, with no hope of finding what's been lost, and no hope of restoring the past, with only the risk to crack open all that has hardened about me, what will I do with what I have? 
     At first, this might seem scary or sad, but as a tired swimmer comes ashore surprised to find pearls washing through his legs, I lift my tired head again and again to find all I need is right where I am.
     But being human, I stray and dream of lives other than my own, and soon I am busy wanting something else, somewhere else, someone else; busy imagining something just out of reach to strive for.
     It leads me to say if you are unhappy or in pain, nothing will remove these surfaces. But acceptance and a strong heart will crack them like a shell, exposing a softness that has always been, exposing a soft thing waiting to take form. It glows. I think it is the one spirit we all share.

Happy New Year everyone. The journey continues.... 

Now November

Days are long. I start most weekdays by 5 a.m. and  forge ahead for 17-18 hours. I am now sure that I will never get caught up at work. Ken asked me early one morning as I sat working at the computer if it was worth it. I said I didn't know.

I am taking it one day at a time.

Like last year, sewing has saved me. October was right up there with the toughest months of 2015. Through it all I kept sewing. A few minutes here, an hour there...and it adds up. I was able to finish 61 blocks of sixteen 2 1/2 inch squares. I like that that comes to 976 squares, a nice round number.

I started over a year ago cutting those small squares from any pieces I had on hand that would give me a square that size. I made piles loosely organized by color family. Then late summer I laid out some blocks and liked what I saw and started sewing them together. I don't have a final layout but I've had fun considering the possibilities~

My word for the year is "trust." The word chose me. I thought it meant to help me focus on trusting the universe and accepting what happens. I learned early in October that it meant to remind me of something else, too...to trust myself. I am grateful to learn that I still do.

September

It has been five weeks since I last posted. This afternoon there was no staff meeting, our one Wednesday a month when we don't have to stay. I thought that I would come home early and write a post, but I stayed to do paperwork. By the time I got home and had dinner it was just like every other Wednesday. I am still going to write a post.

This is the hardest teaching job I will ever have. The teaching isn't hard. The paperwork is unending. Every teacher has to assess students and document their progress. The requirements in special education are documentation to the nth degree. There are people who are walking me through each step, but I have to wait for help because I don't know where to start or what to ask so I know what to do next. I can only see what's in front of me, which turns out to be a good thing because I can only be overwhelmed with that...and not all the work still to come.

I am also getting a handle on curriculum for math and reading for 2nd and 3rd grades. The administration agreed to invest in a complete reading program that I have used and believe in. There are hours and hours of work ahead to get the program organized and set up, but once it's ready to use it will provide a comprehensive system to teach reading.

There are people to help me at every turn. I love working with the kids. I am up early every morning, one of the first cars in the rear parking lot each morning and one of the last to leave each afternoon. It's the right job at the right time and exactly the right thing for me to be doing right now.

I have gotten wiser over the years and know how important it is to make time for a life outside school, even when it seems like there is not a minute to spare. My son and his girlfriend came up from Boston in mid-September and we picked apples. My daughter and granddaughter joined us~

Maggie helped

She liked the pumpkins, too

We all had a lovely day. It was our anniversary weekend so the family time was extra special. We celebrated with our Boston family with dinner out Saturday night at one of our favorite spots, which they enjoyed. My daughter rounded out the celebration with a gift of the most gorgeous flowers grown in volcanic soil from The Bouqs Company. The lilies opened three days ago~

Roses and lilies get more beautiful with time

I have also continued to sew, sometimes only for minutes at a time, because it's my creative outlet. I will share photos of my latest project next time~

Technology, Travel, and Teaching

This August is one for the books. I got a job, my desktop bit the dust, and I traveled to California to meet my granddaughter ~

Piper at three weeks old

I love this picture. Piper was napping beside me on the couch and she looked so relaxed. She's three weeks old in the photo. I swear she grew before my eyes.

I practiced traveling with just my phone when we went to New York in July. In the past I've taken a digital camera and my laptop and downloaded photos throughout a trip. I didn't want to lug my laptop to California this summer so took the chance to travel sans computer in July. I missed my laptop but got more comfortable with the camera on my phone which paid off as I was able to easily email photos of the grandkids home during my trip. Ken appreciated that.

The desktop refused to turn on just two days before I left for San Jose. It's not like it hadn't earned the right to be done after nine years. I wasn't ready to deal with its demise but I wasn't going to replace it until it was absolutely necessary. Thankfully my computer guru determined that the data could be saved to an external drive, so it was the best case scenario and something I could deal with upon my return in mid-August. Luckily by then I had a job and didn't need to access my resume and supporting documents in a timely manner. I had backed up photos but not documents, a lesson now learned.

I have waited to write about the job because I didn't want to jinx it. My contract was approved by the school board this week and only then did I feel comfortable announcing my news to the world. Everything happened very quickly: application made, cover letter sent, call for an interview, interview held, and job offer all within the space of six days. I was offered the job on August 1, one week before I left for California. It still feels a bit surreal, not just that I have a real job after nine years of searching but that I am going back to teaching and going into an area new to me. I will be a Resource Room teacher working with students who qualify for special education services. I will get training and take classes and have a supportive team to help me throughout the process. I am positively giddy about the thought of this job.

It has been an amazing 24 days ~

Me with my son and grandson in CA

March Happens

March is a long month.  This year it is particularly long, or seems so, because there are eight long weeks between February break and April vacation.  At this point students are halfway through four weeks of standardized testing.  The weather has been all over the map, literally, and brought two snow days last week, Monday for snow and Friday for ice.

I decided weeks ago to attend a conference on the 31st.  It was a good call.  I always go into a day like today with the thought that I will learn something new and the hope that I will meet someone interesting.  Both things happened today.  I learned the details of a unique initiative to bring state-of-the-art technology to four counties in our state.  I find it encouraging that such a project has been successful.  The interesting person was a woman I met on the walk into the conference from the parking lot.  We laughed about not knowing where we were going and crossed paths later as we enjoyed pastries after registration.  I was pleased when we caught up with each other at lunch and had a chance to talk about common interests.  I know where she works and might get a chance to catch up with her again.

March leaves things unfinished.  In 1978 Ken and I traveled to Maine in March to explore the possibility of living in the state, and two months later we moved here.  In March many years later we moved to where we live now, and that story is still being written.

Eight years ago in March I started this blog.  There were a number of us who started blogging about the same time and somehow found each other in cyber space.  We were in various states of transition ~ children growing up, careers changing ~ and it was wonderful to have a chance to share our stories.

Many of those women have stopped blogging, and I miss their voices.  I am grateful for the women who continue to share their stories and take time to comment here.  I feel like so much is still up in the air for me all these years later, while others have made progress toward their dreams and moved on.

Another March has passed.  Time will tell how the journey continues....   

Start From Now

Students started classes last Tuesday, September 1.  I am always disappointed when school starts before Labor Day because in my mind that holiday is part and parcel of summer vacation.  This year was one of those years when the first Monday in September came too late to wait for school to begin so back we went, with gorgeous summer weather continuing without regard for where we need to be between 8 and 3.

The room I'm in this year is even smaller than I originally thought.  It is not half the size but one third the size of a regular classroom.  At nine feet wide and twenty-seven feet long there are limited options for room set-up.  I do have a small desk in the back between the file cabinets and the bookshelves.  At just a glance it is obvious that there is only room for one small table, one teacher, and a couple kids at a time.

The good news is that there is a second door to the room in the back that goes between our room and the computer lab.  Past occupants had covered the door with shelving and supplies, so I didn't know it was there.  Now I keep the door open most of the time, which helps dramatically with air circulation.  I appreciate the natural light I can see through the windows in the computer lab.

The back door makes is easier for me to come and go, which I do often.  There will be times when students are in the lab for classes or testing, but once I figure out the schedule I will have what I need on the cart and be able to do what I need to do.

My current perspective took a few days to evolve.  When I first saw my space for the year I was crestfallen.  I knew I needed to devise a plan to make it work for me, which is when the importance of the second door became apparent.  I have perfected slipping out quietly to make copies, get necessary materials and information, and take on additional duties.

The other thing that helped, at least it did when I started the process on Thursday, was to register for a course that starts tomorrow.  I am reminding myself of the benefits of learning with other educators as I sit here with a five-page syllabus in front of me trying to remember how to be part of a group discussion online.  We do have three classes in real life; the first one isn't for a few weeks and can't come fast enough.  My first thought tonight was that I wasn't ready to make this commitment.  My second thought was that if I don't do it now I may never decide I'm ready.  My third thought was to write a post about it because my fears look less threatening in black and white.

So much has happened this year that has left me feeling vulnerable that I've forgotten how it helps to write, not about the details necessarily, but about the feelings that come with the ups and downs of daily living.  I remembered tonight and feel better already.

Last Tuesday, as I headed out for the first day of school, I loaded my stuff into the car and climbed into the driver's seat.  There on the steering wheel was an envelope, blank and unsealed [Ken's trademark move in case I want to use the envelope again].  Inside was a card with a sepia toned photo of a woman walking along a railroad track while balanced on a rail.  The words above the photo are:  Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new beginning.

Isn't that perfect?

Trade-Offs

I go back to work tomorrow....  I had a different plan.  I was going to teach reading last year and then get a job as a classroom teacher.  I applied for jobs and did get one interview, where the principal was encouraging but didn't offer me the position.  I will continue to apply for classroom positions, but the clock has run out and for now I need to return to the job I had last year.

Some things have changed.  There will be no lunch recess duty for anyone because there will be no formal mid-day recess, which is a good thing.  Classroom teachers will be responsible for taking their own students out for recess during the course of the day.  I like that I will spend more time teaching.

Another thing that has changed is the location of the literacy classroom.  The room this year is half the size, a long narrow room with no windows and just one door at one end.  There is space for only one teacher so I will hit the road and work with students in their grade-level classrooms.  That's okay with me; I will enjoy being out and about throughout the day.

I very much wanted my own classroom this fall, but there are trade-offs that work to my advantage.  I haven't had to go into school yet because I don't have a classroom to set up or curriculum to align with standards or lesson plans to write.  I have squeezed every last moment out of summer vacation because there literally isn't anything for me to do to prepare for students.

During the school year I will have plenty time to dedicate to taking a graduate class or two.  My certification is up for renewal next summer and I still need continuing education units toward that.

Perhaps the best trade-off is that I will have the flexibility to be available when my daughter needs me in November.  She has given me the okay to share that she is pregnant.  She is an independent woman and capable of doing this on her own, so I am on deck to help how and when she asks.  It has been fun to be in on some of the preparations.  I do my best to maintain a calm exterior, but between you and me I am wicked excited!

Sometimes I make plans and the universe has a better idea....    

August Transition

The first few years I taught I looked forward to and dreaded summer in equal parts.  I looked forward to unscheduled days with my kids, warm sunny weather, time to do the things I enjoyed, and the chance to catch up on all the appointments and home maintenance I didn't have time for during the school year.  I would hit the ground running the day after school ended and go full tilt until the day school started up again.  I wore myself out and never felt like I got everything done.

At some point I figured out that I couldn't save all the fun stuff or all the chores for the time between school years.  I was curious to see if I could remember to live that lesson this summer.

It helped that Ken and I left on vacation just two days after school ended in June.  The trip was literally a "break" in my routine and took us to places we hadn't been before.

It was a summer for a variety of firsts.  Ken and I bought season tickets to the Maine State Music Theater, a slate of four performances at the theater on Bowdoin College Campus.  The musicals this summer were The Full Monty, Sister Act, The Music Man, and Young Frankenstein.  We enjoyed each one and the fun story lines were especially appreciated.

The two quilting retreats were another first for me.  Each experience took me out of my comfort zone and gave me the opportunity to stretch.  It was fun to learn new techniques, meet quilters and designers whose work I admire, and work beside women I wouldn't have met otherwise.

The retreats gave me something else too ~ the joy I feel when I create and sew.  I had forgotten that just twenty minutes of sewing gives me a chance to change gears and recharge.  Even working at twenty-minute intervals projects move forward, and during the time in between I'm thinking about and planning what comes next. 

I haven't rushed to finish anything this summer.  Like quilting, life is a work in progress.

Slow Stitching block for Color Quilt

Block in Completely Cauchy style

"Roberta" block for Color Quilt