Now September

I am into my third week of school. Teachers hit the ground running, and we haven't had time to stop. The needs are many. It's all hands on deck all the time. I have had three IEP meetings already and another one is scheduled for later this week. Assessments are already underway and will continue through this month. It's like we never left.

I had hoped I wouldn't be back this year. I gave myself permission to think about that possibility after April break. It was the only way I could see myself able to finish the year. Mid-May I took a hard look at my room and started organizing it so I could slowly, discreetly take everything that is personally mine home with me. It worked. On the last day of school I was the first one out of the building. I had all the paperwork done, the room ready for cleaning, and no need to return for anything should that be possible.

Every single day of summer was wonderful. There was literally not a bad day. As I wrote in my last post, the summer started strong and it continued that way right up until the last day, when my son and his family were wrapping up a five-day visit. We even had a chance to get the three cousins together that Sunday.

I had until the last day of July to say I wouldn't return for this school year. A teacher "can't" resign in August, and after that they are required by contract to give 30 days notice.

I met with my financial advisor in late July. I had done the numbers before the meeting and was sure what the score was: it would be better for me to keep working. We would be okay if I got done, but there would be no wiggle room. By working another year I can add more to my retirement and put more money in savings. It also gives us time to better invest Ken's 401K in a diversified portfolio with a better average return, and we won't need to dip into that for at least another year. We will by no means ever being living high. The goal is to feel secure enough with what we have on the books, even if there is an unexpected expense, which we know there will be somewhere along the way.

So I'm back in the classroom. I know I will do what is best for the kids. My struggle is to take care of myself, too. Some mornings the vertigo is back. I start with intention and work to stay present. I am staying later at school to work and hope to get to the point where I don't bring work home in the evenings.

I have claimed weekends as mine and don't plan to do schoolwork. There's still time to go the beach with my daughter and granddaughter. There are planned visits this coming weekend with all the grown children and three grandchildren. These are the people I love and the moments that matter the most. The rest is day-to-day and what needs to get done will get done. We'll see how it goes.

Two grandchildren at the beach ~

The three cousins ~

By Feet And Inches

As promised it snowed on Groundhog Day - more than a foot.  That made for snow day #4 with a late start for schools the next day in hopes that roads could be cleared and people would be able to get out.  For the most part it worked and we had a clear day that Wednesday.  Snow throughout the day on Thursday delivered another five inches and made for the most treacherous roads so far this winter, but with no time off everyone made the best of it and left plenty of time to travel.  We had two days to shovel out before snow arrived again this past Sunday morning and continued right through Monday evening, topping off with another fresh six inches.

For those of you keeping count, in central Maine we have had over five feet of snow since January 1.

Ken cleared away a few inches Sunday evening before he headed out of town for the week.  He called yesterday and offered to come home but I said I would be okay.  I took a personal day today and had a lot to do, but I decided if I had trouble I would figure something out.  As it was I got out of the driveway alright but got stuck trying to make it back up the hill.  Somehow I managed to back down [after a lot of back and forth] and went about shoveling my tire tracks and putting down sand.  It worked!  I made it into the garage.  I will make it out in the morning and not worry about the trip back up the hill until I get home.

Aside from the weather, this year got off to a tough start.  It really has been a day-to-day slog.  There have been few bright spots.

Luckily, the last few days have seen a bit of an upturn.  Friday evening Ken prepared a lovely meal and our daughter joined us for a relaxed visit.  A friend took me to the movies on Saturday.  My mom sent me chocolates and last evening I had a nice chat with her on the phone.

Today I considered going shopping and getting my hair cut short.  I did neither.  Instead I turned in the paperwork necessary to refinance the house [further cutting our interest rate so that it is now almost half of what it was when we bought the house in 2007] and changed long distance companies [someone from some department at CREDO finally called me about the email and letter I sent to say how thoroughly dissatisfied I was with their customer service; she not once apologized or offered any form of compensation but said over and over how this sort of thing never happens; well it happened to me and not only do I feel better now but I will save over 50% on my long distance bill by changing companies].

Today was productive and uplifting as well.  I received the perfect cards from my two oldest friends, both across the country and valued beyond words for their friendship.  I received a bonus phone call from my friend in New Mexico, who sees right into my heart and says exactly the right thing.  Then my sister surprised me with a phone call from Scotland.  The day topped off with phone calls from my son in Boston and Ken in New Hampshire.

Happy Birthday to me.  I am going to count today as a fresh start to the year.

Back To Work

The volume control has disappeared from the task bar on my laptop.  Vanished.  I know it still exists somewhere, but I've looked everywhere and I can't find it.  It will turn up eventually.  In the meantime I have found ways to work around the missing icon by adjusting the volume on each individual show I watch.  This is how I get news and television shows and Netflix, often while I am doing a variety of chores and activities all over the house.  I would be lost without it, so I found a way to make it work.

I had trouble finding the words to write about my new job...

Until I realized it's a lot like my laptop with the missing volume control.

I need this job for a variety of reasons.  First and foremost, I want to be working.  I am an active, intelligent woman with abilities and a lot to offer.  We want to pay down our mortgage, and I need money toward my retirement.  I didn't plan to return to teaching but this is the job I was offered.  The job is not set up the way I would do it, but that is not for me to say.  I need to start somewhere to get back in the classroom, and this is where I find myself right now.  I want and need this job, so I am finding ways to make it work.

Nothing about how the job is set up is intuitive for me ~ not the room arrangement or how materials are organized, not the schedule or the structure of lessons, not the forms we use or all the ways to keep track of the same information.  I have had to find ways for the myriad of things I am expected to do to make sense for me.

A breakthrough came this week when I learned I could set up my planbook any way that works for me.

This is essential.  Teachers are particular about how we set up our classrooms, our resources, our files, our desk, and our planbook, the place where many of us keep track of absolutely everything.  The planning notebook system in place was not working for me but I wasn't sure I had a choice.  It turns out I do and I knew exactly what I wanted: two open pages of orderly boxes with the dates across the top and the times down the left side, with room to write lesson plans and make notes.  The entire week is available at a glance and the amount of space limits what I write to the essence of what I need to know and remember.  I breathed a sigh of relief and put my system in place immediately.  It has made all the difference in the way I keep track of my week.

Slowly I am finding other ways to inject my experience and expertise into my day.  I organize tasks in ways that make sense to me and complete them in a timely manner, which reassures people that I know what I'm doing and can be trusted to do the job.

My duties include 45 minutes on the playground for recess every single day.  For a classroom teacher that would be an unacceptable amount of duty time, but it is the expectation for the position I currently hold.  I immediately fell into my pattern of continually moving throughout the area to always have eyes open to what is happening and to make connections with kids.  I am learning names, which is a challenge without a seating chart or a regular daily context to place kids with their names.  But we are getting to know each other.

My other duty is oversight of dismissal of students who are picked up by someone in a car.  I ask students if they see "their people" as we stand at the cafeteria door and wait for cars to come through the driveway.   After a few days I made a suggestion to the principal about dismissing all students for "pick up" at once instead of one grade at a time.  The next day we tried it and cut the waiting time in half, which is a win for everyone involved.  The students dismissed this way varies each day, but we are getting to know each other.

I am finding small ways to connect with other staff.  Those of us on duty together agree on expectations and rules, and we are learning tidbits about each other.  I asked the librarian if I could eat lunch in a quiet, out of the way corner of the library, explaining my desire for time away from the fray.  She totally got it and said yes.  I have emailed and made plans to meet with the person on staff who knows the most about re-certification, which I need to do in two years.  I expressed an interest in and have received the information about what I need to do to join the union.

The best part about the job is the students ~ third, fourth, and fifth graders.  I haven't taught third grade since I was a student teacher in 1992 and I forgot how little they are.  Without exception, I have always found that kids are receptive if you take them where they are.  It turns out that is still true.  I am having a good time getting to know the students.  If I am willing to listen, I can find out what I need to know to best help them learn.  Kids will tell you everything if you pay attention.

I knew I was going back to teaching a different person than I was when I left the classroom 11 years ago.  There was no way to know if I would be able to bring with me to a situation so familiar all those years ago how I have learned to be now.

Since the first moment in the school I have made a conscious effort to stay present.  I let go the things I have no control over.  My comments are positive.  I focus on what is in front of me and take a walk if I need a break.  Someone else may feel frazzled, but I don't take that on.  I know what I need to do and can do it with intention.  Throughout the first two weeks I have felt calm and capable.

I am tired.  There aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I have been doing for the past seven years when I am gone from home nine hours a day.  That will have to figure itself out.

This is where I am right now.  It is not the ideal situation but I am finding ways to make it work for me.

The journey continues....                  

Red And Yellow

I don't need a new mechanic after all.  Monday morning my car overheated while I was running errands.  That led to a trip to a garage near my daughter's house.  The news was that Lily May had blown her head gasket and there is other work that needs to be done soon.  I had her towed to my daughter's, and Monday night we did an online search to see what was available for 2012 Outbacks. There aren't many left in the state, but there was a red one at the dealership where I wanted to do business when the time was right ~ which turned out to be last night ~    

Her name is Annabella and she is the nicest car I've ever owned.  Now I feel safe driving more than two hours from home, and I will have reliable transportation for whatever job I find for the fall.  She intimidates me a bit, but I made my first run through the drive-up at Dairy Queen tonight, and I think we will become good friends ~

In other news I've had six phone calls with my investment advisor and two trips to the local office to keep my account current.  In between managing financial matters and car shopping, my daughter and I spent five days decluttering and organizing.  Today I painted her kitchen the color of golden honey ~

It will be another early day tomorrow.  The guy who bought Loretta the Legacy [alive and well and living in Boston] has bought Lily May and will have her towed to his garage.  I like to think he will get her running again and find her a new owner, too. There's painting to finish in the kitchen and many things to do before we leave for California on Monday....The days are just packed!

What's Different

I would not call myself an early morning person. I never have been and I never thought I would be. However, something has changed and I am ready to start the day earlier than seems reasonable. I posted on Facebook that I am worried because 6:30 a.m. now feels like sleeping in.

It's true that there is a lot to do. School has been out for ten days and, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am working with a new financial advisor and looking for a new auto mechanic.

The jury is still out on whether or not I will stay with the investment firm I researched and personally selected - the second in four years where the woman I worked with has moved on. The problem is that I have my own ideas about where I want to invest and the men I've tried to work with are not interested in what I think. Their first question is always, Do you have money invested elsewhere? Yes I do, in my education and in the education of my children. Women look at my financial and personal history and say, Your investment is in your children. So I may pack up my proverbial bag and follow Meghan to her new firm, where at least I know I will be heard. I need to move quickly because I have some money to move by July 1.

I don't have the luxury of time with car maintenance, either. In the last eight weeks I stopped in unannounced a couple times to the repair shop I have trusted for five years. Something was amiss. Since January the cars have been disappearing from their lot and mechanics have been disappearing from the garage. The last time I stopped in to have my battery checked and a headlight replaced I was the only customer in sight and Andrew asked me to pay in cash. I don't carry cash, so he asked me to drop it off later in the week. No one answered the phone that Friday; I stopped to put the money in the key drop on Saturday to find the owner repairing a garage door. Unprompted he started spinning the story that business has been slow because people don't have work done on their cars in the spring. Last week I called to schedule an oil change, only to get an answering machine. We stopped by the shop on Friday to find everything closed up tight and the sign gone. A friend recommended her mechanic, who changed my oil and fixed a rattle I've had for a year, so that may work out.

Changes, always dealing with changes. The words "embrace the changes" came to mind last night on the way home from my daughter's house. I am helping her paint her kitchen. Any big job like that requires days of prep work before you get to the fun of painting. One thing has led to another and now three rooms are involved in the renovation. We are rearranging cupboards and creating storage solutions for most of the downstairs. It's fun to meet the challenge of the job together.

It makes sense that my days are starting earlier than ever. It has been a long time since I have had so many things to take care of and so much to look forward to.

January Is For Finances

This is the month I review accounts, start collecting tax information, look at our budget, and begin to get a picture of what the coming year looks like financially. This year will look different from the past several because our youngest graduates from college in May, and I made the last tuition payment on his behalf this week!

Well, as they say, it's always somethin' ~ just as I was patting myself on the back things began to fall apart.

My first clue that this was going to be a strange day should have been that the stars have moved and there are now 13 zodiac signs. I will let that sink in if you haven't heard the news.... The magnetic fields between the moon and the earth have caused the relationship we have with the stars to change so a new sign of the zodiac, Ophiuchus, has been inserted between late November and early December. I think that means that I'm not supposed to be an Aquarius any longer. You know what? I'm staying with what I've always been. I like being a water bearer and all that says about me, and what possible difference could it make anyway? I mean, really....

When I couldn't log into one of my online accounts I wasn't too worried. If I haven't used the same computer consistently to pay the account, there is a request for a special log-in ID, which I ask for and is sent to me by email. No problem. Except that I typed the first one they sent me in the wrong box, and it was voided. Back to the beginning to start the process over, which I was able to complete successfully the second time.

Then the mail came. There was a letter and a statement about MY school loan that I couldn't make sense of. I pulled out my file on that account and nothing matched. I checked the account online and the account summary page looked different. So I called the 800 number on the back of the letter and fortunately got a person right away. Just days ago the loan was split into two accounts and is now managed by two separate entities, with new interest rates and monthly payment amounts which need to be made to the two separate accounts. I will wait until I get updated payment coupons before I resume making payments to any account. I told the person on the phone that I had confirmation numbers for all payments I have made, and she suggested that it would be a good idea to hold onto those.

Did I stop there? Oh, no. I had to keep testing the stars to see if things were as out of line as they appeared to be. This week we received updated credit cards for the account we have had the longest; we don't use the cards that often but keep the account, well, because it was our first VISA account. In the past when I've activated newly minted cards I've called the 800 number from my home phone and a polite recording has said on the other end of the phone, "Your card is now activated." Today? Not so easy ~ confirm that we received two cards, punch in the account number, punch in the last four digits of Ken's social security number, punch in the security code on the back of the old card [which is in a drawer somewhere], reset the PIN, and then I got the recording that said my cards were activated.

Okay, I finally got the message: I will not try to accomplish anything else that has to do with finances. I just hope the ATM is working tomorrow....

Car Trouble

My car is still in the shop. I called Friday at 4:45 p.m. and the mechanic, who really runs the office and has taken my car on a special project, was trying a second coil just in case there was a problem with the first one. It's not the coil, so the plugs are getting the spark they need. It's no longer the fuel injector because he put in a new one of those.

He is currently in conversations with other mechanics and two Subaru dealers, and no one has seen this problem before.

So the next step is to "pull the valve" that isn't working properly. I don't know what that means other than one of the four valves won't hold the right amount of pressure unless he manually adds oil.

I told him to go ahead and do that because otherwise we won't know any more than we do now.

The car could go for lots more miles the way it is, which is idling rough and skipping, or it could conk out tomorrow. There's no way to know.

My mechanic is worried about putting all kinds of time into this and still not having an answer. I'm worried about that, too, but there is no alternative.

A new car, be it new-used or new-new, is not in the budget right now. My youngest son needs a car in Boston for at least a few more weeks; I'm glad he took my Outback with him and is not dealing with these issues with the Legacy right now.

Meanwhile, I am learning how much it doesn't matter that I'm not doing all that I usually do. I was supposed to see the doctor last week about my shoulder and have rescheduled for later this week. I had a list of errands a mile long and very little got accomplished this weekend with Ken's work van as our only vehicle. I have been car-pooling to my computer classes, and the last one of those is tomorrow night.

This experience has been a royal pain, but it's only inconvenient for me. I don't have a job outside the home I can't get to; I don't have kids who are stranded like I am. Three friends who are fairly local have offered to help if I need a ride, but the places I need to go are 25 miles and 45 miles away ~ not exactly a half hour commitment.

So here I sit, looking at the snow-covered landscape and thinking about all I want to be doing "out there." Instead I will put together the two quilts I have been working on because I've had lots of hours to sew.

I had hoped to post my favorite photos from my son's wedding this afternoon but the internet is acting wonky and taking forever to upload photos. I could go on and on about all the other things I can't get done...but I won't.

All is well and all is well and all shall be well ~

Deere, John

Thanks to all of you who like my new "look." I was smiling so broadly because Ken and I had just finished a delicious dinner of pork bar-b-que to celebrate the long-awaited purchase of a tractor, a dream of Ken's since we moved into this house. Friday afternoon we signed the final papers. The tractor was delivered on Saturday. This is one happy man in the driver seat ~

His first goal is to learn how to pick up and move boulders ~

I will practice reaching the pedals in the garage ~

Ken is sure I will learn how to drive the Deere. There is a front-mounted snowblower on order, which Ken says he will teach me how to use so I can clear the driveway when he's working out of town. I don't know about that, but I sure could have used a tractor when I was hauling gravel last week. We have also ordered a chipper/shredder attachment to make our own mulch to fill in all the low places on our property.

When Ken was in the intensive care unit last July with pneumonia, I wanted us to make a wish list. I asked him if there was anywhere he wanted to travel or anything he wanted to do once he got well. The only thing he wanted was a tractor. He had been saving money for two years, some was put away in a special account but some had been used for other expenses that came up. By this summer he would have had enough to pay cash, so I couldn't say no when he had more than enough for a down payment and could finance the rest for 0% interest.

And he's just so darn happy. I couldn't ask for more than that.

The Third Of Three

This evening my youngest called to ask if I had filed the FAFSA. Unlike most states that set a May 1 deadline, Massachusetts wants the FAFSA filed by March 1. The last week of February the university emails students to remind them, to remind their parents, that the deadline is fast approaching.

This was the third time my youngest child called me this week. It is unusual to hear from him that often but this is the time of year when decisions need to be made. His first call was to ask what the budget looks like for next year's housing; he is one of the lucky seniors to get housing and garnered one of the earliest slots to choose the dorm where he would like to live. This is the first time he has a group of friends who would like to live together, and they have a chance at some of the nicer dorms.

His second call was to let me know that housing costs will be higher than posted online. There is an increase every year, but I appreciated him letting me know. He is cognizant of what school costs because he saves most of the money he makes when he has a co-op semester to help pay the bills, a major portion of the bills. That was the deal we struck when he chose Northeastern, and he has graciously accepted his share of the financial responsibilities.

This is the last time I will file a FAFSA for one of my children. These are the last conversations we will have about dorm selection. These are good things. These are signs of growing up and moving on ~ my son... and me.

What Is Left Behind

There are stories that are not mine to tell.

There are subjects that need to be addressed, no matter how uncomfortable they make me.

I pay attention when these two categories cross paths because that rarely happens.

When a story is not mine, I keep it to myself.  When a burning topic makes me uncomfortable, I find a way to write about part of it, or I find a personal perspective that makes it palatable.

This time there is no such shortcut.

A dear friend of mine is living with what remains after a tragic loss.  She was removed from the situation, but now she is at the center.

With the grace of an angel, my friend has stepped into the eye of the storm to calm the fears and soothe the hurts.

With the wisdom of ten women, my friend is organizing the chaos and making sense of the randomness.

When I asked how I can help, she asked only for my prayers.

When I asked what I can do, she asked me to do two things.

First ~

Send out the word to everyone you know...if they don't have a will in place, make one before the end of the month.  If they do, be sure it's current.

Ken and I had wills drawn up in 1991.  Some event spurred us into action, although I don't remember exactly what happened.  Our main concerns were assigning guardianship for our children and designating someone to handle the finances.  Today our children are adults so we need to revisit the provisions we made and evaluate if they still fit our family's needs.

Second ~

Keep things [paperwork, files, accounts] organized in case anyone needs to come in and pick up the pieces for you.  Pass it on and save a family's agony.

Some of you may remember that I have been working to streamline my family's accounts since last summer.  It has been a process of trial and error.  I realized that we need to have the online option to view and pay bills, as well as the monthly statements that come in the mail.  Each family is different, but that is what works best for Ken and me.  I want to invest in one fireproof lock box that will hold the legal papers so that everything is in one place.  In general terms I have talked with my children to show them where things are but, as is true with the rest of us, this will take more than one run-through and regular updates.

These are not easy topics to talk about.  

If we don't talk about it, who will? 

If we don't take care of it now, who will have to pick up the pieces after we're gone?

There are hard questions that may not have easy answers.  We can start simply and work our way through the process, one step at a time.  

 

Each journey begins with a single step.   

A Few Things Worth Mentioning

The year has barely started and already I have learned a few things worth mentioning.

I learned while reviewing the photocopies of checks in my latest bank statement that my massage therapist writes "Thank You" on the face of my checks before she deposits them. I went back through last year's statements, and she wrote that on each check. Talk about putting positive energy out there. That was a day brightener.

The days are getting longer. Bonus question: Did you know that the sky catches fire before total darkness descends?

There is a bookstore on the corner of Front Street in Bath, Maine that sells used books to raise money to buy books for the public library. I bought five books for $18.85. Yes, K, I found a copy in excellent condition.

In mid-January mini carnations look especially beautiful and smell especially wonderful.

Online Is Overrated

Last month I wrote a post about how I was setting up accounts to pay as many bills as possible online. In some cases it took hours to make the connection between my checking account and the bill I wanted to pay. As of today I have ten accounts payable online.

The intent behind this transition to online bill-paying was to streamline the system so someone else [aka Ken] could step in to pay bills more easily if I was indisposed for some reason.

Honestly, I was feeling pretty savvy for saving 44 cents for every stamp I wasn't using each month.

This month, for the most part, things have gone smoothly.

Then, yesterday I made the house payment, within the grace period when there is no late fee.

Yes, there was no late fee. But there was a service fee because I chose to make the payment in the final third of the payment period. So it wasn't late. And the money comes straight out of my checking account into the mortgage lender's account. But because I chose to pay the bill on the 12th, which I could have easily done by mailing the check at no extra charge other than the cost of the stamp, the online fee is $6.00. Six dollars. A service fee. It will be 14 months of stamps-I-did-not-use before I make that money back.

* * * * * * * * * * *

While I am sharing my limited success with doing business online, I might as well share that I applied for two jobs this week.

I don't often mention it, but I am still looking for a job. Wanted: a position where I leave my house to go someplace else to work with others to make the world a better place. That's my dream anyway.

These days most places prefer that you apply online. Figures, right? It's the 21st century and all that.

I wrote my letters and revised my resume. In one case I had to find the organization's website because although they preferred that the application be submitted online they did not include an email address or website in the ad.

With my "paperwork" checked and double-checked, I attached the documents to an email and clicked send.

Now I wait. Because not every place that wants you to apply online will reply to let you know they got your application.

The organization where I sent an application two weeks ago? I'm still waiting to hear they received it.

Yeah, online is overrated.

The Bottom Line

In Tuesday's class we started talking about the financial elements of starting a business. We talked about our attitudes about money and the basic descriptions of different bookkeeping systems.

This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where I usually shift into reverse and go in the opposite direction as fast as I can.

I have to put my fears and doubts on the side of the road, or I will not be able to go forward.

Two years ago, when I first considered the possibility of becoming an entrepreneur, I met with an accountant to talk about how to start keeping records for a small business. I took notes and was excited about everything I was learning...until I asked her about how much information she needs to do the yearly tax return for a business, how she reconciles the work she does with a family's personal taxes. Oh, she said, she also does the personal taxes for the business owner because she needs to make sure all the numbers match up.

Hmmmm....

What about the FAFSA, I asked. How would I get the numbers by March 1, the filing deadline in Massachusetts where my son is in college?

Oh, she said, we can ask for an extension. She would fill out the FAFSA as well because she would have all the tax information at hand.

Really....

Well, that sent my control issues into a tailspin. I have always done our taxes. I have a good relationship with the people at the other end of 1-800-IRS-GOVT and call them anytime I have a question. By the time I get everything in order for an accountant, I might as well fill out the forms myself, and there have been years where there have been lots of forms to fill out. I always figure out what to do.

Then I use those numbers to fill out the FAFSA for whoever in the family needs one filled out.

It's a source of pride for me that I have been able to manage our family's finances all these years. I like knowing what the numbers are, that columns match up, that accounts settle out, and that amounts have been checked and double checked.

It's not that I don't think an accountant knows what they are doing.

It's that I don't know what they're doing, which is one of the main reasons I am taking this class. We are going to learn everything we need to know about cash basis bookkeeping and filing taxes for a small business.

It's not that we will need to do all of the bookkeeping and tax filing ourselves. It is that we need to understand what is involved in keeping records and filing taxes for a small business.

Last Tuesday was just an introduction. Next Tuesday we will spend the entire class with a certified public accountant who will go through the income tax forms with us. The following week we will work on laptops to become familiar with cash flow, balance sheets, and profit & loss statements.

This is a big leap for me. I am entertaining the idea that the day might come when I will turn over the filing of my family's income taxes to a professional accountant.

What can I say, other than I like to keep my eye on the bottom line.

Like A Fever

It started with setting up accounts online. One thing led to another, and by Monday evening Ken and I were having a conversation about our financial picture. We review our budget once a year; the class I am taking pushed the conversation ahead a few months. It takes time to gather the account folders, organize the statements, and update the figures. If I needed to go through the process for my business plan it made sense to share the numbers with Ken.

For the first time we have an end-date.

At this point in our lives, there are only so many earning years left for us.

The plan was for me to graduate in 2007, get a full-time job with a modest salary, and use my income to pay off the mortgage before Ken retired.

Things haven't happened that way. We need to evaluate where we are and adjust our plans.

* * * * * * *
Yesterday in class we covered a lot of ground.

To continue what we started last week, we worked individually and in small groups to refine the mission statement for our business and an explanation of what our business is about.

The subject of marketing was introduced, the first of three classes on the topic. We worked during class to describe our product, define our target customer, and pinpoint the competition.

There was time to write and time to share ideas with classmates. It is eye-opening to hear a person's first impression about an aspect of your product. It's helpful to get a fresh perspective. It takes time and thought to integrate all you hear and learn.

Finished drafts are due next week, a paragraph each for the mission statement, business description, product details, target customer, and competition.

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After class I had errands to run.

My first stop was Sam's Club. I had a dozen items to pick up. I made my way to the check-out, where someone directed me to the register at the photo counter. That sounded like a good idea, until I got over there and realized that I had to unload my cart so the items could be scanned and then put every item back in the cart myself because of the way the counter is designed.

I could feel the frustration building.

Out at the car, I had to unload and load again and remembered I would have to do it again when I got home.

It was too much. Ordinarily it wouldn't have been, but yesterday it was too much.

I was tired. I was frustrated. I wasn't where I wanted to be, nowhere near what I wanted to be.

The tears started to roll, unbidden and unwanted.

I got home to an empty house and knew I needed something to do with my evening. I started rearranging furniture, a good default activity that requires movement and focus.

I was tired and didn't finish what I started. It was after midnight when I got to sleep.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to an unfamiliar clicking sound. The heat was running. I had slept for six hours, a good run these days.

I felt better. Nothing had changed. The frustration had run its course, like a fever.

Life goes on.

Please Hold....

In August it occurred to me that it would be a good idea to set up our household accounts so that we can pay most of them online. If it had been me, instead of Ken, who was out of commission for a month, it would have been his responsibility to pay the monthly bills. While he knows what accounts we have and what goes in and out, I have my own "clip bills together in the order that they are due" and "I know when I need to mail that so we don't incur a late fee" system that has worked for 32 years.

It is time for an upgrade.

The easiest solution seemed to be to set up as many accounts as possible so they can be paid online.

Solution? Yes.
Easy? No.

In September I spent almost two hours setting up the accounts I want to pay electronically so that in October I could access the online statements to pay the bills. So far this makes sense, right?

Last night I wanted to pay one of our credit card bills. I signed in, cleared security, and found the current balance due. I clicked "pay" and an outdated checking account number came up, as in it has been closed for two and a half years.

I tried to delete it. No go.

I went through the process to add our current checking account. Things went smoothly until I tried to make that the primary account from which to pay the bills. The program would not let me "confirm" the new account, and I couldn't "delete" the old account until I had a new account from which to draw funds.

I was at this for thirty minutes when I called the 800 number for assistance. Then I was on hold for twenty minutes. A nice woman then took my call, but she couldn't help me. She could connect me to an online technician, if I would please hold. More minutes passed...and then I was disconnected.

I went back to the computer to see if I could pay the current bill with the "unconfirmed" account, and it would let me do that. The payment was scheduled for October 3, which is a Saturday. Some places will not post payments on Saturday, and the bill was due Monday, but what if the payment I've made doesn't count because it's from an "unconfirmed" account....

It was late. I went to bed.

I tackled the problem head-on this morning. I called the 800 number again and ran through the gamut of options until another nice woman took my call. No, she couldn't help me, but she could connect me to an online technician. I explained how well that worked last night, so she gave me the direct number in case I got disconnected.

This time the call went through. The technician answered all my questions and gave me information I didn't know I needed.

Yes, they will accept payment from my "unconfirmed" account because the amount is less than $400.

Yes, they post payments on Saturday.

Yes, I can delete the old account once my new account has been confirmed.

To confirm the new account I need to check with my bank in two days for the amount of cents the company has deposited in my account. Then online I enter that amount(s) in the proper box, which verifies that indeed that checking account is mine. That confirms the new account. Then I can delete the old account.

I want to pay my bills online.

Please hold....

An Economic Rant

It slipped out. I didn't mean to yell, but I couldn't contain my anger any longer. "The checkbook is empty!" I hollered earlier this week in response to one more report about the nation's economy. "You're out of checks and money, too!" I added. I would be in trouble, too, if I ran my household like many of the nation's investment institutions and companies have managed their accounts. My impression is that they wrote checks that weren't theirs for money they didn't have. What did they expect would happen? Seriously, how did they expect this to end?

I am angry because my family and millions of Americans are paying the price for mistakes made by a privileged few. Now the Secretary of the Treasury says that there won't be enough money within the $700 billion to help people with mortgages because all of that money, and more, needs to be used to buy shares in the institutions that are in trouble. Now American automakers have their hands out.

Hold the phone. Just hold on one cotton-pickin' minute. I remember the 1970's, complete with gas lines and oil embargoes. I remember the call for fuel efficient cars and cars that used alternative fuels. That was the time to change the car culture in this country. There was a window of opportunity, and if you want to see how that opportunity could have become reality check out the documentary Who Killed the Electric Car? Instead of capitalizing on what was possible, the auto industry continued to make bigger and bigger gas guzzlers. Now they are in trouble and want to be bailed out.

I don't know how important it is that American car companies survive. I drive a used Subaru Outback that gets 27 miles to the gallon. I plan my trips to include every possible errand. There are days at a time when my car does not leave the garage.

The thing that makes me so angry is that many of us have made it a standard to live within our means, and we are finding more ways to conserve energy and resources. Our thermostat is currently at 65 degrees. I have found ways to cut our grocery bill, and we continue to eat healthy meals. I have seen reports about "phantom" power draws, so we are trying to remember to unplug electronics when they're not in use.

I don't write checks that aren't mine for money I don't have. I don't know where those bankers, brokers, and CEOs went to school, but they need a refresher course in Economics 101. I invite them to give me or any of the women I know a call because we could teach them a thing or two about balancing a budget.

Taxes, the Economy, and Politics

I paid our property taxes today. On time. With a check written on our checking account.

When we bought this house, we set up an escrow account with the mortgage company so that they would be responsible for paying our property taxes and homeowner's insurance. Our taxes are due in October and April. Last February I got a notice from our town office that our property taxes, that were due last October, had never been paid. Really? Yes, the mortgage company never paid them. Phone call to the town office. Phone call to the mortgage company. Phone call between the two of them to straighten things out. Arrangements were made for the mortgage company to pay the taxes due and the fines that had accrued over five months. A week later I called the town office to see if they had received payment. No, not yet. More phone calls. To say I was upset was an understatement. Finally, the taxes and fines were paid the first week in March.

Then I took back control of paying our property taxes and homeowner's insurance. What mortgage company, you ask? Countrywide. We didn't start with them, but they took over the company we originally contracted with. Over the last months it has become obvious that Countrywide has more problems than not remembering to pay people's property taxes. I'm not worried about our mortgage because the company has tightened its belt and will continue to do business or sell out to another company.

The thing that upset me the most about the late payment of our property taxes was that the town had not been paid what they were due. I apologized to the person at the town office, although she made the point that it wasn't my fault. I wanted her to know that it was important to me that my bills are paid on time, that I take my responsibilities seriously.

I think of this small incident in the context of the current economic crisis. The devil is in the details. If companies cannot manage the small, routine responsibilities, then how can they expect to deal with major operations? I'm not saying that financial institutions should be micromanaged by outsiders. I am saying that they need to start paying attention to how they do business at the most basic level if they plan to survive this recession.

Our country's economy would be in much better shape if banks, investment firms, insurance companies, mortgage brokers, and the federal government exercised fiscal responsibility. There will be huge fines to pay for this mess. Changes must be made. Companies and chief executives must be held accountable.

In recent weeks Suze Orman has appeared on several talk shows. Her mantra is "people before money." If our financial institutions put people before profits, everyone will benefit. If our government puts people first, our country will be strong again. It means we need to change priorities and policies. We can make those changes if we have the courage to put people first.

After watching the third presidential debate tonight, I have hope for the future. I think Barack Obama has the courage to make the tough choices required to put people first in this country. I think he has the ability to lead us in a new direction. I think he knows it will be hard to do the right thing, but he has the integrity to do the job. He has a vision, and I look forward to watching him make it a reality.

Finally, A Meeting of Three

Sometimes, if something is going to happen at all, it has to happen quickly. Each time I have talked with my new financial advisor, she has suggested she meet with Ken and me together to get a sense of what our priorities are. Well, trying to set up a meeting with Ken is like trying to predict the weather ~ he rarely knows more than a day or two in advance what his schedule is. For 22 years the stock phrase has been, "I will be there if I'm home." Consequently, I have been dragging my feet in planning a meeting for the three of us.

So I wasn't surprised when the idea of a meeting came up yesterday; she called to see if I had any questions about the transfer of my accounts to her management firm. I received the paperwork this week, and I was impressed that she followed up with a phone call. When she mentioned again that she wanted to meet with Ken and me together, I was polite, without a clue about when such a meeting could happen. I asked her what days were good for her, and she said it varied from week to week and sometimes it worked to plan just a day or two in advance, which was music to my ears.

When Ken got home yesterday, I mentioned the phone call from my financial advisor [I just like the way that sounds] and how she would like to schedule a meeting in her office. Then Ken said he would be working down that way on Friday. Really? I gave her a call and left a message, and she called this morning to say this afternoon worked for her, too. Really? It had all come together in less than 24 hours.

Alrighty then. We had a plan, which only needed a slight modification when Ken rushed home to shower and change and ride down with me...but that kind of adjustment has become part and parcel of the way we do things. I called ahead to say we might be a few minutes late, but we arrived right on time [I find that a call ahead to say I may be late is the surest way to get someplace on time].

Now I was nervous for a variety of reasons. First, what would Ken think of the woman I have selected to handle my retirement accounts? Second, what would the woman who now knows intimate details of my financial life think of my husband and how we interact as a couple? And third, what would my new financial advisor think about our financial situation as a midlife couple who is just now coming to grips with what life will look like when Ken reaches retirement age? It was a lot to contemplate. I was grateful I had less than 24 hours to consider the possible answers to these questions.

There was nothing to worry about. Once again I was struck by the sincere, gentle approach of this woman I trust to manage my money. She asks the right questions and listens to the answers. Her positive attitude always puts me at ease. She talked about interweaving my accounts with Ken's to create a complete picture of what we have and what we need. She said that we are in this together, and that is just what I needed to hear.

Money, Money, Money Part 2

This morning I had the second meeting with my new financial advisor. I felt more relaxed before, during, and after this meeting than I did the last time. I knew I would need time to figure things out, and I had in mind that this was a time to do some of that planning. If I knew how to do this I wouldn't need to ask for advice, hence the need for an advisor.

And, yes, I have been trying to do this by myself. I'm not keeping anything from Ken. The meetings have been during the day, which makes it impossible for him to be there. Plus, he doesn't want to know all the details. I'm transferring what I have already accrued in retirement savings to a new investment firm, keeping most of the same accounts for now. So it's not that there are a lot of decisions to make.

However, I realized this morning that there are still things that Ken and I need to talk about. We were on a course that changed drastically 15 months ago with our move and my desire to change careers. Life has been so busy that we tended to whatever needed our attention at the moment. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months, and now we've been in the house for a year. Time has a way of passing whether or not we are paying attention.

Once I finished school and stopped working outside the home, I took on most of the household responsibilities, which included getting the day-to-day finances situated. I write most of the checks and pay the routine bills. We chat weekly about where personal accounts stand and what's coming up. What we haven't taken time to talk about is long-term planning, so I didn't know how to respond when the financial advisor started asking me questions about ten, twenty, and thirty years down the road.

I thought about all of this on my way to today's meeting. I told the advisor what I had figured out, and she agreed that it's time to sit down with both of us to talk about what we want for our future. And as scary as that sounds, it's also exciting. Ken and I can talk about what we value and where we see ourselves down the road. We now have someone who can help us work toward making that future a reality.

I feel as if a weight has been lifted and a door has been opened. I smiled all the way home. The future has such possibilities. All I did to get to this place was decide that I don't need to have all the answers because I don't need to do this alone. That's the best gift I've given myself in a long time.

Money, Money, Money

I was up very early this morning. I woke up thinking about money, and it wasn't the I-can-roll-over-and-go-back-to-sleep type of awake. It was the time-to-get-a-handle-on-this-money-thing type of wake-up call. As I lay there I observed the words going through my head, and I knew I was playing the same old tapes. But armed with Eckhart-motivated insight, I know I am not my thoughts. I wanted to go deeper than my thinking.

Then I asked myself where this worry over money was coming from, and I waited. It comes from feeling there will never be enough. This isn't true, but when I'm under stress it is my default setting. I put myself under stress yesterday when I met with a financial advisor to see if she is the one to trust with my retirement savings. Bingo! My mind then went to all the old places to dredge up the tired tapes of my childhood. Of all the positive places my mind could go it chose to go to the most negative message board. Smack! That's your ego, Sharon, that wants to keep you small and scared. In the words of John Hiatt, "Old habits are hard to break."

The irony is that Ken and I have never fought about money, no matter how much or how little we have. We both grew up with the dark cloud of finances forever hovering overhead. Whether real or perceived, it was a problem that tormented our families. One of the first things Ken and I promised each other was that we would not fight about money. We actually prioritized our spending: food, a roof over our heads, bills, savings. And we have always worked together to meet these goals, through lean times and times of plenty.

The talk yesterday about planning for the future took me out of the present and launched my mind on a magical mystery tour of finances for the rest of my life. I did not prepare myself for the conversation. I jumped right in as if I was living in the future and could figure out a payment plan during a one-hour conversation. Silly me, that I believed that was possible. Sillier still that I thought it was the right thing to do.

Yes, I need to trust someone to help me plan for finances in the future. More important, that work needs to stay in the planning realm and not invade my present space. Today I have enough.