Begin Again With A Word

My last post was in July of last year. I wrote about anxiety and indecision, which followed me through the rest of the year and into 2025. I would think I had a handle on things; and then something would feed my self-doubt, my stomach would roil, and I'd be stalled again. Things fell apart in December. I have notes in my day planner about my goal to keep moving and look for the positive. 

I had so much to celebrate with my sons and daughters-in-law and grandchildren over the holidays. They love to have us visit, and we have fun together. I had hope for the new year.

I had a physical in January and passed with flying colors. The problem was that I couldn't stop crying. I was bereft and wasn't able to overcome the sadness. I asked for the name of a counselor to help me get out of the valley I was in. I went three times, and by the third time I could get through the hour without crying. 

I had kept moving and it was time to move on.

I chose my word early in the year in the midst of this emotional time, and it repeatedly came to mind: enough. 

I am enough. Enough is enough. Enough, enough, enough. Again and again I could shut down my negative thoughts with that single word. Over time I felt better for longer periods of time. I remind myself that I can only control my own thoughts and actions, and I have no control over what other people say or do.

So this post marks the start to my 18th year of blogging. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm still here. Life still surprises me. 

The journey continues....

In A Phrase

I considered a number of words for my "word" for this year. None felt right. The words that came to mind made me feel like I had to work at something, to change or get better or resign myself and give in. After all the thoughts I went through to let go of the past, I wanted to give myself a chance to feel where I am now. I want the feelings to keep flowing, no matter what they are.

So I settled on a phrase for this year: keep moving. Get on the treadmill, play with the grandchildren, get out of bed, make the phone calls, keep going. I remind myself that I don't have to produce something new or accomplish something big. If I move my body and keep my brain working and let my emotions move through me, then I am doing what is best for me right now. 

I didn't know three months ago how much I would need those words. In May I really missed my mom; I was sad and angry that I was still feeling such grief. I reminded myself to keep moving - let the feelings come and move through me as many times as they needed to. 

I often feel stalled and indecisive. Keep moving. Put in a load of laundry, rearrange furniture, make a simple meal, go for a drive.

I talked last month with my osteopath about the anxiety I was feeling. As she worked with my body we talked about how I was getting stuck in my head and that I can move into my body instead, deep belly breathing and grounding through my core. There are exercises I can do to stretch and balance and improve my flexibility.

Keep moving. Do what I want to do and not what I think I have to do. Find enjoyment in the simple things. 

I can't make big decisions right now, about what's next or where I want to be beyond the next few days. There are dates on the calendar to spend time with grandkids, which are times to look forward to. 

I hear from others at this same point in their lives that they are asking similar questions and feeling the same uncertainty. We can listen to each other and know that we are not alone, which helps me immensely. I commented on Jacqueline's blog that the silence and solitude has not helped me. Her most recent blog post beautifully reflects on the questions she has been asking herself.

Today I saw a quote on Instagram that spoke to me: Not every day has to "count." Some days your purpose is to make it to the next one. That counts too.

The journey continues....

Still Here

My word for last year was "begin." My goal was to give myself permission to start things even if I wasn't sure of what the result would be or where I would wind up. It worked. Many things are still in process; that's okay because I got started.

In October I challenged myself to begin to seriously look back at regrets, disappointments, mistakes, and goals not met. My goal was to change my thinking. For longer than I care to admit I have looked back to review what I did that brought me to where I am, sometimes at what worked and more often what didn't. Honestly, I was tired of that routine. It was time to change what I had always done. 

I was pushed to dig deep because my mom would have been 88 years old last October. She was 20 when I was born, and I was dreading my next birthday: I didn't want to be caught in a decades-old pattern of looking back with regret at things I couldn't change. I did what I did and each decision led me to where I wound up. I love my kids and grandkids and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I want to feel differently about myself. I want to go forward in a different way.

Every time a thought about the past came up, I examined it until I was tired of thinking about it. I looked at what I did, why, what had led to the decision, what the result was, and what came after. I exhausted all the should-have's, could-have's, what-if's, and why-didn't-I's. I didn't deny any thought; when anything came up, I followed the chain of what happened before and what came after. Every single time. 

Eventually thoughts would occur to me and pass through quickly. I had already looked at every angle and accepted that what happened...happened. 

I didn't know how long the process would take but was determined to stay with the challenge until I could move on. It was getting easier.

Then on January 31 I read the following in Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening:

"Dropping all we carry - all our preconceptions, our interior lists of the ways we've failed and the ways we've been wronged, all the secret burdens we work at maintaining - dropping all regret and expectation lets our mentality die. Dropping all we have constructed as imperative allows us to be born again into the simplicity of spirit that arises from unencumbered being."

Begin. Things will change. It is worth the effort.

The journey continues.... 

Begin

For weeks I have been mulling over what my word of the year would be. Today a word I hadn't even considered settled in my consciousness and wouldn't leave.

My word for 2023 is begin.

So much has happened in the last three months ~ bronchitis, the holidays, covid again, work drama. 

I get caught up in the day to day. Then a week has gone by. Then it's a month later. I'm where I was and not where I want to be. 

Leave the "have-to's" and "shoulds" behind. Put aside the worry and self-doubt. 

Just begin.

Arrange photos in albums. Create memory books. Send notes. Try recipes. Knit new patterns. Design quilts. Make clothes with patterns new to me. Envision flower gardens. Write poetry.

It's all right there. It's all possible.

Begin.

New Year, New Word

 Sunlight.

Daylight.

Be the light.

Don't hide your light.

Light on your feet.

Lighten your load.

Light at the end of the tunnel.

Light the way.

See the light.

My word for 2022 is 'light.' Since the first of the year I have thought long and hard about how to make changes this year, how to simplify what I have to do to make more room for what I want to do. What came up again and again was a desire to feel lighter, less encumbered, with more space for thinking and creating and connecting.

I will leave the light on for you~

First of November

 It has been exactly three months since I posted. I didn't plan to be away so long. I have constructed dozens of posts in my head but that's as far as I got. This past weekend I made the decision to post every day in November. 

This blog started as a place to connect with other women and evolved into a written record of my life. There have been ups and downs along the way, and writing here was a way to process and keep track of thoughts and events. I spend a lot of time considering how what I share will be perceived by others. Posts are edited with goals of honesty and clarity without pulling others' personal details into the story, and in the last five years it has gotten increasingly difficult to do that.

I would like to find my way back. After all, my word for the year is restore. I don't want things to be as they were, if that would even be possible. I want to feel good about where I am now and hopeful about the future.

I don't know if I can make this work. I have decided that it's worth the effort to try. I anticipate false starts and changes in direction. As I type that I realize that that is what the last thirteen years have been. 

See you tomorrow ~  

What's The Word?

Many years ago, when my kids were all home and I was teaching full time, days were busy. There was always so much to do, and time was at a premium. One day, on a whim, I said we needed a word for the year, a reminder to keep things in perspective. The word that came to mind was "flexibility." It was perfect, so perfect that it was our word for a few years as the days just got busier. It mattered that we could change plans as necessary. It made a difference when we went with the flow. Life was more fun when we took advantage of opportunities that weren't part of the original plan. 

Then there were years that "simplicity" was front and center. As kids started leaving for college and life started going in too many directions, I looked for ways to simplify. Paring down some days to what was most important made it possible to keep going.

The practice of having a specific word for the year was first documented here in 2011. There is a post for each year's word but there hasn't been a complete list in one place until now:

2011    unafraid

2012    possibility

2013    no word presented itself

2014    release

2015    freedom

2016    trust

2017    breathe

2018    acceptance

2019    joy

2020    create

And this brings me to the word for this year, which I have examined from every angle and considered every synonym. It can't be any other word. Nothing else fits.

My word for 2021 is "restore." It doesn't refer to anything external. It is all about how I feel and think about myself from the inside. I want to feel like myself again. I know that I have changed in the last year, much of it due to forces outside my control. I'm sure that contributes to feeling off balance. I want to find my footing from where I am now.

I want to feel confident and capable again. 

I don't know how to make that happen. Maybe putting it out to the universe will start the wheels turning.  

What's In a Word?

When I begin to think about the new year, words start finding me. This year I spent January trying on each word as it came to mind, sometimes for two or three days. The word for the year has to sit with me for a bit in a variety of circumstances. Once I commit, the word is with me for the whole year.

As 2020 started I knew I was teaching for the month of January. I planned to catch up with myself in February. The grandkids near Boston were on the calendar for the first full weekend in March. Then I was going to see what teaching gigs were open for the last few months of the school year.

The word that kept coming to mind didn't seem like my kind of word at first, but I've learned to let words float and show me what they have to offer. I imagine the word rotating in space so I can see it from every angle and consider how many different ways it might fit in my life. I got comfortable with this particular word, mostly because it opened up many possibilities by virtue of the open ended nature of the word itself.

As the weeks passed and life drastically changed due to the pandemic, this word was true to itself. It offered possibilities I wouldn't have considered in ordinary times, ways to look at life if I took the word to heart.

My word for 2020 is create. When it first showed up I thought it had to do with sewing and baking and making meals, all things I intended to get more inventive with and challenge myself to stretch. Ken and I planned road trips to places familiar and new. We had projects lined up to do with all the kids and ideas for how to entertain grandkids.

Then the word "isolation" became part of my vocabulary. Since March 9 I have left the house only for groceries, gas, and to transport my granddaughter who lives locally. I didn't give up on my word but sat with it to see how it would fit... and it expanded to address every aspect of this new circumstance ~ as in create pockets of time, create spaces to dream, create positives about the situation, and create ways to stay connected across the miles. So far, so good.

The journey continues....

Word 2019

My word for 2018 was acceptance. It was the perfect word for more reasons than I could have known. Many nights I went to sleep saying the serenity prayer: Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ken has been retired almost a full year. People ask him if he has plans, and he responds no. People ask him if he's busy, and he says no. In good weather he goes for rides on his motorcycle. He putters in the garage. He's content.

Acceptance.

At the end of the summer, Ken got hearing aids for the first time. The volume on the television came down. He heard what I said the first time I said it, and we had regular conversations in a normal tone. Then Ken decided he didn't like hearing everything and stopped wearing the hearing aids.

Acceptance.

When I returned to work in September I suspected things were not going to change. I couldn't have known that expectations would be amped up and micro-managing by administration would increase. I accepted the reality, but I realized that I didn't have to live with it. There is a difference between acceptance and surrender. I didn't surrender; I made a change.

After a year with acceptance I have made it a permanent part of my way of thinking. This has already been tested and I passed. I have been sick with viral bronchitis for ten days, the sickest I have ever been with a bronchial illness. I was in bed for three days, then saw a doctor who told me to take over the counter drugs that really did very little. That was a week ago and slowly I have gotten better. I wasn't able to be up for more than a few minutes at a time until Thursday. I guess my body was enforcing the "rest" part of recovery. I missed five days of work without pay because I'm not under contract. I feel up to returning to the classroom tomorrow and will take it slow.

Acceptance.

My word for this year came clear early on this year. I have tested it out over the last two weeks to see if it holds when life isn't cooperating with what I want to do. I had plans for January! I have projects to finish! I have family to see and places to go! The word for this year held. Through being sick and miserable I was able to find joy.

The word came to me after spending November and December with my children and grandchildren on a regular basis. My children are a joy to spend with ~ they are active, involved with family and friends, and have interesting jobs. My grandchildren find joy in dancing, playing, eating pizza and hot dogs, snow, snuggly blankets, bedtime stories, and skyping with Mimi (that's me).

While I was out of commission, I found joy in my children's regular phone calls and texts. Once I felt better, my granddaughter in Boston wanted to video chat with Mimi. Pure joy on my part.

Joy is my word for this year, and I'm planning to make it permanent, too.

A New Year

And now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been.
 - Rainer Maria Rilka

The holiday break was wonderful, though woefully short. The weather turned brutally cold the weekend of New Year's and just today started to warm up. 

We had a snow day on Thursday, when a storm swept through with a foot of snow and a couple hours of blizzard conditions in the afternoon. Ken got up and went to work before the snow started. Wednesday night I got the call that school would be closed... 

and I reveled in the thought of being home alone all day. There was the gray stillness that precedes a storm, and the house was filled with natural daylight through every window. Coffee in hand, I periodically looked outside for snow. There were sewing projects in progress in two rooms, laundry going downstairs, and preparations for a pie underway in the kitchen. I walked on the treadmill, caught up with people online, worked on organizing last year's photos, and tidied surfaces as I moved through the house.

I wrapped myself in the day, an unexpected opportunity to enjoy all my favorite things at home. 

It may be the last snow day I have at home alone. 

As of today Ken is retired. Officially he is on the rolls until the end of the month, but that's as much a formality with the union as anything. He worked the first week of the new year because of a technicality that will work in his favor. It also gave him a chance to have breakfast and lunch with co-workers to say farewell.

I have known for a year this this day was coming. It wasn't my decision to make but one I have to live with now. I haven't been able to see all that this means for the future, and I had to let go of trying to figure that out. I know I will miss my solitary routines and the days home alone when school is not in session. This is a life-changing event that I have no control over. I haven't written about it and will share few details here about my struggle with this decision over the last year. There have been lots of ins and outs, and there are still some things to put in place. Perhaps as the dust settles I will figure out a way to share how I'm feeling as we go along.

Some months ago I turned to the serenity prayer as I settled into bed for the night. I was reaching for something I could repeat in hopes of soothing my overactive mind so I could get to sleep. I would say all three lines, and then I would repeat the first line again and again, sometimes until I fell asleep ~ God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. It helps, and a week ago it became obvious to me that my word for 2018 is acceptance. It fits. It showed itself and made itself at home to help me start the year.

Thank you to all of you who have stopped by to check in. It has been good to reconnect. I have missed writing and plan to be more present in the coming weeks.

And now let us welcome the new year, full of things that have never been. 

Loose Ends And Frayed Edges

A few days after my last post, where I shared that my word for the year is breathe, I moved a bookcase and found behind it a vision board I made six years ago. I had forgotten I stashed it there once it was obvious there was nothing on it relevant to the way my life was working out. However, something caught my eye before I moved the board to the garage, a small piece of paper in the corner. It is a poem titled Climbing The Ridge by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer:

        one step / one step / i stop / i take

one breath / one breath / warm sun

above / white snow / below

i breathe / i take / one step / one step

It turns out that there was something relevant to my life on that vision board, and it now sits in a place of prominence on my desk.

I was moving furniture that day to make room for a new couch I was finally ready to order. I have been looking for the perfect sectional for two years. The search has been fun, a reason to explore furniture stores and talk to salespeople. Early February I invited an interior designer to take a look at the living room to see what she thought of the fabric and sectional I had decided on. She agreed the colors and size would work. Then she called in early March to say there was a sale on, and I told her I would be in before the end of the month.

Well, you know what they say about best laid plans. 

There was a heavy snowstorm March 14, and our seventh snow day was the result. The next day schools started two hours late to allow time for roads to be cleared. It was a sunny day. My morning was relaxed. I headed into work. Less than two miles from my house I saw a neighbor plowing out his driveway. I hit the brakes and the horn, and I would have had time and room to stop if I hadn't hit ice. I went as far to the other side of the road as I could, but he backed into my front end at full speed. The airbag deployed. I was okay but stunned. The driver took full responsibility but that didn't help my car, which was in excellent condition with many years of traveling left in her. He was driving an uninsured, unregistered heavy duty tow truck that hadn't been inspected for decades.

Nine days later I learned that the collision center, which was originally going to do the repairs, determined that the damage was too extensive. My car was declared a total loss. There were many phone calls to follow up, and three and a half weeks after that the claim was finally settled. 

I have a new car instead of a new couch. I named her Bluebelle. I need to go back to the dealer to meet with one of their tech gurus to learn how to use all the bells and whistles. 

Two weeks ago I saw my osteopath. I described the accident and how I felt frayed, on edge and jumpy. It took some time for me to realize the full extent of how the accident affected me. I would burst into tears at the oddest times and was having weird dreams. She treated me, which helped, and prescribed rest during April vacation, which was last week. 

I did get some rest. I was also able to tie up some other loose ends. More on that next time. 

In the meantime, remember to breathe.

Word 2017

Once again time has gotten away from me, though that is not the only thing that has kept me from writing. There wasn't much positive to share. I was teaching or thinking about teaching pretty much day and night, and until three weeks ago I was banging my head against a wall on every front.

Then three weeks ago there was a major shift. From the first day in the room in November I kept detailed records of behavior issues in my classroom. I knew where the problems were and I knew what needed to be done. Early on I had conversations with administration, and I continued to advocate for my students. Finally three weeks ago a move was made, and it has made all the difference. I now have a class I can work with.

Once I had a handle on behavior management, I could tackle curriculum and assessment. That will continue to be a process but at least I know how to find the information I need. I might not ever "catch up" this year, but I will meet deadlines. More importantly I am getting to know the kids and what best serves their learning needs.

Then there was the issue of my personal goal-setting. I was completely confused about what I was supposed to document and what forms I was supposed to use. Finally last weekend I determined that I had two separate tasks conflated and that there was no way to complete the task until I figured that out. Hours later I had completed the longest and most detailed goal document of the two, but something wasn't sitting right with me. After all my research and conversations I had with two teachers on my hall I had a crazy question: did I have to do this particular goal setting? Tuesday night I emailed the person in charge of certification and Wednesday I had my answer: a resounding NO, I did not have to do that paperwork because while I am new to the district I am not a "new" teacher! Phew! I regretted the hours spent but I was grateful that I was finally able to straighten things out.

When I look back at the last three months it makes sense that I have been exhausted. The demands have been many. It has felt like there was no relief in sight.

Then there was...in the form of shift and insight and support from unlikely places.

Along the way there has been wisdom shared, from my osteopath and my massage therapist, to take care of myself and to believe that I'm in the right place for the right reasons, to give myself a break, and to breathe. That was reinforced with the words of Mark Nepo. For January 31 he writes, "Yet when we feel the reflex to hold on, that is usually the moment we need to let go. When we feel the urgency to speed up, that is typically the instant we need to slow down."  We do that when we breathe. He goes on to say that while change is overwhelming, it happens one breath at a time.

Some days it has felt like the only thing I can do successfully is keep breathing, for if I give myself a chance to get to the next moment something will break open and light will creep in.

Because the journey continues, my word for 2017 is breathe.

Now November

Days are long. I start most weekdays by 5 a.m. and  forge ahead for 17-18 hours. I am now sure that I will never get caught up at work. Ken asked me early one morning as I sat working at the computer if it was worth it. I said I didn't know.

I am taking it one day at a time.

Like last year, sewing has saved me. October was right up there with the toughest months of 2015. Through it all I kept sewing. A few minutes here, an hour there...and it adds up. I was able to finish 61 blocks of sixteen 2 1/2 inch squares. I like that that comes to 976 squares, a nice round number.

I started over a year ago cutting those small squares from any pieces I had on hand that would give me a square that size. I made piles loosely organized by color family. Then late summer I laid out some blocks and liked what I saw and started sewing them together. I don't have a final layout but I've had fun considering the possibilities~

My word for the year is "trust." The word chose me. I thought it meant to help me focus on trusting the universe and accepting what happens. I learned early in October that it meant to remind me of something else, too...to trust myself. I am grateful to learn that I still do.

Word 2016

This is the latest date on record for me to write about my word for the year.  The irony is that the word came to me at the earliest possible moment ~ I literally woke up to the word on New Year's Day.

Weeks earlier Ken and I had made plans to go away for New Year's weekend.  Our reservation was in an upscale hotel in a seaside town.  We had a lovely New Year's Eve. The first morning of the new year I woke up gently in a comfy bed, and a word came to mind before I was fully awake.  A solitary word presented itself with alarming clarity.   Huh, I thought.  That's interesting.  Where did that come from? 

For the last two months the word has presented itself almost daily, a mantra of sorts.  Apparently the word planted itself in my subconscious to remind me that I know what I'm doing and I can handle whatever comes my way. 

All the while I have been skeptical that that's true.  For weeks I didn't feel any differently.  It felt like I was pretending to be confident, able to forge ahead.  There was still a voice in my head questioning my decisions and wondering if any amount of effort could really make a difference.

I have chosen instead to heed the word and keep going in spite of old stories, worn-out habits.  I have decided to listen to a word that appeared to come out of nowhere, when it quite possibly came to the surface after months of asking the universe for help.   Gradually, I have come to believe that I have it in me to do what I need to do.

My word for 2016 is "trust."  The message is to trust myself.  

January Reprieve

It happened Monday ~ sunshine streamed through the windows and the temperature climbed into the thirties.  I was home for the day and had the opportunity to relish the light and warmth. 

The day was a glorious reprieve from the previous two weeks of frigid cold.  Two days the temperatures were so low that we had inside recess, and the other days registered in the high teens and low twenties with the wind chill, which makes for a cold forty-five minutes outside.

This week is warmer.  We haven't had a repeat of Monday's temps but it has made it into the twenties with no wind and the sun shining each day.  It also helps that I have a new coat.  I found the perfect knee-length parka at LLBean in December, but I refused to pay full price.  I figured if the coat was meant to be mine I would find it on sale after the holidays.  Last Friday, with the mercury down around zero, I found one coat in my size on deep clearance at the LLBean Outlet in Freeport.  With my new fleece-lined wool mittens and my boots with wool liners I am now toasty warm every day. 

Life is challenging enough without being cold.

I will admit that my feelings have been somewhat frozen since the first of the year, stalled in time.  Bit by bit there has been a thaw, and like frozen fingers that slowly warm there have been fresh pangs of pain, new twinges of realization.

It is in this context of weather and emotion that I have considered the choice of a word for 2015.  This is not a process I force and two years ago no word made itself clear. 

For 2011 the word "unafraid" was front and center.

In 2012 the word "possibility" presented itself and was the theme for the year.

Last year the word "release" was my guide.

Since the holidays, a few words have come to mind, words too passive for all that has already been said and done this year.  I need a strong word, a positive message for my heart and mind.  I want a word that signifies openness, light, and warmth.  I want a word that encompasses a healing heart, feelings other than sadness and anxiety, and new ways of thinking.

My word for 2015 is "freedom."  I knew I had made the right choice when I heard Janis Joplin on the car radio singing, "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

It is also a word for all I have to gain.

What's In A Word

Well, it's official.  We are buried in snow.  I don't actually know the definition of "buried in snow" but I can tell you that we are and there should be a definition that reflects our current situation.  And?  It's cold, as in we were hoping today that the mercury would reach zero.

We are okay.  I ordered oil but yesterday the oil truck driver decided that he couldn't make it up our driveway due to the ice crystal coating.  Our oil tank is half full so we should be okay until next week when they will try again.  I turned the thermostats down to 62 which, when it's below zero outside, feels comfortable.  My hope is that this weather is not indicative of what we can expect for the next three months.

In thinking about the coming year I have followed with interest Carolynn's process in choosing a word for 2014.  Some years I choose a word and some years a word chooses me.  I waited and waited for a word to come to me for 2013 but it didn't happen; it's not something that can be forced.

This year was different.  After I read Carolynn's first post on the topic, a word started following me around.  I would think about how to handle a situation and this word would show up.  It fit.  I didn't want it to be my word ~ it wasn't positive or encouraging, even though it was good advice.  I needed a nicer way to say "detach."

I turned to my Angel Cards to see if another word fit the bill for 2014.  When I turned over one of the cards, I knew immediately that it was my word for the year, a word that is productive and promising when paired with the right intention.  This word has the potential for freedom from anxiety and worry, from obsessing over expectations, from trying to control outcomes, from holding onto things that I have no business holding onto.

My word for 2014 is "release."  I have tried it out and it works.

Sometimes I need a reminder to let go ~

A Word To Stand On

My word for this year has taken its sweet time to reveal itself. I have tried several words that seemed like they would be a good fit for 2012, but none of them stuck. It seemed like maybe there were too many things to focus on this year to limit myself to one word. I was disappointed but this is one of those things that cannot be forced.

On Friday I had an appointment with my massage therapist. My knees and hips ached, and my posture was terrible.

Our session started with a conversation about the shifts taking place in my life right now. I talked about how I have come to the decision to return to teaching. We agreed that it can be satisfying to learn skills, to practice to the point where you feel competent, and that it's okay to do something you're good at. Some of us are geared to continually strive to learn more and be challenged, when the most satisfying course might be savor what we already know.

I got up and she looked closely at how I was standing. My hips were tilted forward and locked in place. My head was stuck on my shoulders. I said that this was my body's default position; when I am stressed I forget everything I know about how to keep all my moving parts moving.

Then she said something that she has shared with me before but I have not been able to absorb. She is currently studying the Alexander Technique, which very simply put is teaching a body to move freely and naturally. When I say I have fallen back to my default position, she reminds me that habits can be changed. During that moment of realization I have a chance to change what I have always done, during that pause I can do something different.

On Friday she shared with me a quote from one of her instructors:

"A pause is the moment in which all things are possible."

Oh. My. Goodness.

A pause is the moment in which all things are possible.

I left feeling so much better and walking so much taller.

On Sunday I woke to the word "possibility" ~ my word for 2012.

My Word For 2011

Until I read Carolynn's post at A Glowing Ember I hadn't thought about choosing a word for this year. In years past, when life was busy and it helped to have a focus, a specific word would rise to the top and set the tone for the months ahead; two favorites I remember were "simplicity" and "flexibility," which was my choice at least two years in a row because it worked so well the first time.

I was reminded of the practice when I read the post, but no special word came to mind. Over the course of a couple days I tried on a few words but nothing rang true. I wasn't going to force the issue.

Then New Year's Day I was making the bed and a word came to mind. I wondered where it came from and why it came to mind while I was doing some mundane task, minding my own business and not thinking about much of anything. I tried to dismiss it. No luck. The word stayed with me. It made me uncomfortable.

I thought if I could find another word that meant the same thing I would feel better about making that my word for the year, since my self had obviously latched onto the idea of having a word in 2011. I wanted a gentler word, a softer concept to think about. I wanted a word that isn't a negative and doesn't have so many syllables. I pulled down my Webster's New World Dictionary, which was no help. I leafed through my trusty Random House Roget's Thesaurus, which usually comes through for me, but to no avail.

I had to face it. This year a word chose me.

And a funny thing has happened ~ this word fits. Without even trying this word has become a one-word mantra when I think about the year ahead.

My word for 2011 is "unafraid." How's that for a message from the universe?