In A Phrase

I considered a number of words for my "word" for this year. None felt right. The words that came to mind made me feel like I had to work at something, to change or get better or resign myself and give in. After all the thoughts I went through to let go of the past, I wanted to give myself a chance to feel where I am now. I want the feelings to keep flowing, no matter what they are.

So I settled on a phrase for this year: keep moving. Get on the treadmill, play with the grandchildren, get out of bed, make the phone calls, keep going. I remind myself that I don't have to produce something new or accomplish something big. If I move my body and keep my brain working and let my emotions move through me, then I am doing what is best for me right now. 

I didn't know three months ago how much I would need those words. In May I really missed my mom; I was sad and angry that I was still feeling such grief. I reminded myself to keep moving - let the feelings come and move through me as many times as they needed to. 

I often feel stalled and indecisive. Keep moving. Put in a load of laundry, rearrange furniture, make a simple meal, go for a drive.

I talked last month with my osteopath about the anxiety I was feeling. As she worked with my body we talked about how I was getting stuck in my head and that I can move into my body instead, deep belly breathing and grounding through my core. There are exercises I can do to stretch and balance and improve my flexibility.

Keep moving. Do what I want to do and not what I think I have to do. Find enjoyment in the simple things. 

I can't make big decisions right now, about what's next or where I want to be beyond the next few days. There are dates on the calendar to spend time with grandkids, which are times to look forward to. 

I hear from others at this same point in their lives that they are asking similar questions and feeling the same uncertainty. We can listen to each other and know that we are not alone, which helps me immensely. I commented on Jacqueline's blog that the silence and solitude has not helped me. Her most recent blog post beautifully reflects on the questions she has been asking herself.

Today I saw a quote on Instagram that spoke to me: Not every day has to "count." Some days your purpose is to make it to the next one. That counts too.

The journey continues....

Still Here

My word for last year was "begin." My goal was to give myself permission to start things even if I wasn't sure of what the result would be or where I would wind up. It worked. Many things are still in process; that's okay because I got started.

In October I challenged myself to begin to seriously look back at regrets, disappointments, mistakes, and goals not met. My goal was to change my thinking. For longer than I care to admit I have looked back to review what I did that brought me to where I am, sometimes at what worked and more often what didn't. Honestly, I was tired of that routine. It was time to change what I had always done. 

I was pushed to dig deep because my mom would have been 88 years old last October. She was 20 when I was born, and I was dreading my next birthday: I didn't want to be caught in a decades-old pattern of looking back with regret at things I couldn't change. I did what I did and each decision led me to where I wound up. I love my kids and grandkids and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I want to feel differently about myself. I want to go forward in a different way.

Every time a thought about the past came up, I examined it until I was tired of thinking about it. I looked at what I did, why, what had led to the decision, what the result was, and what came after. I exhausted all the should-have's, could-have's, what-if's, and why-didn't-I's. I didn't deny any thought; when anything came up, I followed the chain of what happened before and what came after. Every single time. 

Eventually thoughts would occur to me and pass through quickly. I had already looked at every angle and accepted that what happened...happened. 

I didn't know how long the process would take but was determined to stay with the challenge until I could move on. It was getting easier.

Then on January 31 I read the following in Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening:

"Dropping all we carry - all our preconceptions, our interior lists of the ways we've failed and the ways we've been wronged, all the secret burdens we work at maintaining - dropping all regret and expectation lets our mentality die. Dropping all we have constructed as imperative allows us to be born again into the simplicity of spirit that arises from unencumbered being."

Begin. Things will change. It is worth the effort.

The journey continues....