Houses Are Us

In the last week and a half I have been to the bookstore twice to take a survey of the books on dreams. I looked through four or five on my first visit. It was confirmed that a "house" in a dream symbolizes the life of the person dreaming. There are a wide range of interpretations beyond that, some based in reality and some based on theories that require more imagination than I have.

I thought that maybe just dipping my toe in the interpretative waters would hold the dreams at bay for a bit and give me time to figure some things out.

But no. I had another vivid dream about another house, one I hadn't dreamed about before. The colors, space, and people were clear, and a person I know called me on the phone in the dream. I remembered all of it.

Yesterday I bought one of the books, Dream Dictionary by Tony Crisp (Dell Publishing, 2002). The subtitle is An A to Z Guide to Understanding Your Unconscious Mind. I like the way the book is organized and how thorough the definitions are. The author not only delineates every kind of building, home, and house but also the different parts of a building inside and out, as well as the condition they are in. The author also considers the meaning of whether or not other people are present and how the dreamer is feeling. It's all very interesting and will take time to sort out.

I have already discovered a few ideas that feel right to me. An attacker or intruder from outside signifies social pressures or response to criticism. I have had dreams about intruders since my childhood. In fourth grade we were supposed to paint a dream we'd had, and I painted a robber trying to get into my house past the trash cans. In the years since I've had countless dreams of trying to keep doors closed and running from door to door to make sure they are closed and locked. Often I have to hold the door shut against an intruder, and sometimes I wake myself up because I can't do it anymore. In real life I spend a lot of time worrying about how people take what I say, often rethinking a normal conversation and whether or not I said the wrong thing. I worry that people misunderstood what I meant and if I've hurt their feelings.

As far as the rooms in the houses I frequent, I am most often in the living room, which Crisp describes as personal leisure; "space" to be oneself; everyday life. If you know anything about me and the last three years of my life, you know that this is where my struggle lies. The fact that I am constantly moving furniture in different living rooms in my dreams gives me hope that I'm still searching and will find the right "arrangement" eventually.

I have been in a dining room or two, which stands for appetites; social or family contact; mental or psychological diet, and the occasional kitchen, which signifies creativity; nourishing oneself; mother role. Each one these points to a change in my life and/or what I am trying to sort out.

As I read through the pages of the dream books, I looked at all the possible subjects people can dream about and what they might mean. I don't take any of this as the final word, but it is interesting that of all the things I could dream about and all the situations I could find myself in, I repeatedly dream about being in a room in a house. These dreams used to be interspersed with dreams about teaching, meetings in conference rooms, and travel ~ and I do intend to investigate what those topics mean in the dreamworld. Lately, the house dreams have become more frequent and persistent.

For the most part my dreams seem to be about my inner life. It's as though my unconscious feels that I'm not paying enough attention, while I think this is on my mind every waking hour. It could be that my unconscious needs to help me out because I've done all the thinking about it that I can do.

Tomorrow I am taking the exploration of my inner self in yet another new direction. At 2:00 on Thursday afternoon I have an appointment to have my birth chart read. I called last week and was surprised he could meet with me so quickly. In preparation he needed only my birthdate, time of birth, where I was born, and where I live now. It will be a 90-minute reading, which he tape records, and I can take notes. I am excited and a bit nervous.

The journey continues....

Almost Done

My daughter once said, "It will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." It was April 2001 and we were in Boston. I liked what she said so much that I wrote it down.

I am going to reflect that thought back to her today as she celebrates her completion of family medicine residency, although there are still weeks of actual work to go.

I don't remember the exact details of the situation we were talking about in 2001. She was finishing her third year of college. Something wasn't working out, and she was trying to figure out why.

I remember that life seemed complicated at that moment. There was no way to know that life would become more complicated and less forthcoming with answers and endings.

In the last nine years I have learned that there are not always specific beginnings and endings. There are evolutions and progressions. One thing leads to another. We come to new ways of thinking and doing, and we get wiser as we go along.

Today is not the end, dear daughter. It is one more step along the way. Looking back it's difficult to see how you got to this point because the path was steep and full of turns.

I know it's hard to see what's ahead because it's foggy and the path is unsure.

Take it one step at a time. You will find your footing.

You have come so far and accomplished so much. Celebrate that today.

I love you.

It's Two In The Morning

There is something to be said for the realization that the lives that unfold around us do not belong to us.

No matter how much we love or encourage or advise or try to help.

I have been tired all day, foggy headed and yawning. I had a meeting to attend tonight, where I found out that we will never get cable on our road.

Then I did relaxing things, like take a hot bath.

But my mind would not be fooled. When I finally climbed into bed, all the thoughts came rushing forward and would not be stilled.

I climbed out of bed, which I rarely do. I visited some of my favorite blogs, looking for guidance.

I found a prayer, a meditation, and a like-minded friend who just wants things to be different. I found a birthday. I found a writer who writes and a teacher who teaches.

Life goes on, no matter what. Just in this past week two online friends have each lost a parent.

This morning I visited an old cemetery, with dates as far back as 200 years. Do family members still visit? Does anyone remember? What is left behind?

It's hard not to feel that it's all so important right now. What we say and do matters. How we treat others makes a difference. The truth counts. It's good to keep commitments.

In the end, what will be remembered? What will be left behind?

Things will shift again tomorrow and the day after that. Life will go on.

We can ask the questions, but we may never know the answers.

Summer Nights

For three years I worried about the state of our yard, or lack of yard. After we moved in and the snow melted, we realized that we basically lived in the middle of a construction site that had been cleared of building materials. Since that first summer I have been putting out feelers for someone to help us figure out where to start the massive job of landscaping. People love our "blank slate" and that we "can do anything" with the property, but they have no idea where we should begin.

Then last fall I took a series of start-your-own-business classes, and lo and behold a landscape designer was among us. I got to know her and found I could easily talk with her. I saw photos of her work and liked what she had done. I asked her if she would be willing to work with us, and she said yes.

We wanted just the plans on paper because we will do most of the work ourselves, hence the purchase of a tractor with a front-end loader and chipper/shredder. Our part required emails, conversations by phone, and a five-hour meeting at our house with several tours of the yard where measurements and photos were taken.

We now have in our possession drawings from several points of view and at different elevations, as well as an overview of the three areas we want to develop. As work progresses I will post pictures here and on Facebook.

What strikes me tonight, on this first night of summer, is that Ken and I are spending a lot more time outdoors. Two of the last three nights we have been outside way past dinnertime, only to come in to eat and then head back out to clean up the yard before dark.

Saturday night it was almost 9 o'clock before we were in for the night.

Tonight I left dinner heating in the oven while I did some outside painting and Ken worked on new steps. I came in to set the table, thinking Ken would be right behind me, only to realize he'd taken the tractor out of the garage and over to a pile of branches and leaves to test out the chipper/shredder. It was after 7:30 before we sat down to dinner.

We are like a couple of kids when school is out and summer has arrived.

I haven't felt this way in years.

Whose House Is This?

I started a list of the houses that I have visited in my dreams. I came up with five without much effort, which leads me to believe there are probably more. In each case I am busy doing something ~ painting, wallpapering, moving furniture, repurposing rooms, working in the kitchen, or trying to keep out an intruder. I wake up exhausted.

I plan to do some research. I have Martha Beck's book Steering By Starlight and will revisit the chapter on dreams. I skimmed it when I first read the book because it didn't seem to relate to my life at the time. Now I am paying better attention.

I want to explore what others have written on the connection between the symbol of a house and an inner life. That would fit with all the other things that have been going on in my life since these dreams started.

I am going to follow through on something I have been considering for a long time. I am going to have my astrological chart done. For years I have known of someone with an excellent reputation who does this work, and last summer a friend suggested that it might be a good idea. Again, before now I didn't think this was something that pertained to my life. I don't believe that it will hold all the answers, but I think it may give me some insight.

I want a hint, a clue, anything that will point me in the right direction.

My acupuncturist suggested that I ask for guidance from a higher power. I do. I have been for what feels like forever.

At times it feels like I'm trying too hard. So I stop trying to do anything and let myself go with the flow. Then nothing happens, nothing changes, and I feel empty. I get a thought or have a dream, and I follow that to see where it leads. Dead end. I put it all out of my mind, only to get another nudge in a different direction. Dead end again. The cycle is exhausting.

Looking inward and allowing myself to be open to what I learn seems to be the only way to get through this. That means I need to know myself better, trust my instincts more, and rest in the sureness that my life is unfolding as the universe intends.

Skating On Marbles

As a child I loved to roller skate. At first I had the old-fashioned metal skates that strapped over my sneakers so I could skate on the sidewalk. I wasn't coordinated and often got going too fast. To stop quickly I would sit on my hands, and at least once I sprained my thumb. I can still feel the cracks in the sidewalk under my feet as I raced down the street.

I think I was in third grade when I got a pair of white boot skates that came with their own carrying case. Those were the days of roller rinks, and those skates carried me like the wind. I learned to stop by turning one skate sideways. Although I never learned any fancy moves, I was happy to skate for hours in circles around the rink.

I was thrilled with the freedom of movement. Once I was moving I lost all self-consciousness.

Lately I feel like I'm on roller skates, not freely skating like the wind but trying to regain my balance while in motion. At times it feels like I can stand on my own two feet...then I hit a patch where it feels like my feet are coming right out from under me. My arms flail and my feet make short, quick steps until I regain my footing.

It's like skating on marbles. I go along okay for a little bit and then I'm all arms and legs trying just to stay upright.

I miss skating on solid ground.

* * * * * * * * * *

My left eye has started twitching. This happens periodically during times of stress. I mentioned it to my acupuncturist yesterday, and she smiled while she made a note.

I told her I have had dreams that I am someplace unfamiliar ~ there have been different houses that belong to a variety of people. Sometimes I am house sitting and someone is trying to break in. In another house I help a family wallpaper and paint. My acupuncturist suggested that each house represents me~ perhaps trying on different identities? She said to write the dreams down. I will, though I'm not sure to what end.

* * * * * * * * * *

I have always maintained that any movement is positive. As long as I'm moving, things are changing with the potential for growth.

I just wish someone would sweep up these marbles....

Deere, John

Thanks to all of you who like my new "look." I was smiling so broadly because Ken and I had just finished a delicious dinner of pork bar-b-que to celebrate the long-awaited purchase of a tractor, a dream of Ken's since we moved into this house. Friday afternoon we signed the final papers. The tractor was delivered on Saturday. This is one happy man in the driver seat ~

His first goal is to learn how to pick up and move boulders ~

I will practice reaching the pedals in the garage ~

Ken is sure I will learn how to drive the Deere. There is a front-mounted snowblower on order, which Ken says he will teach me how to use so I can clear the driveway when he's working out of town. I don't know about that, but I sure could have used a tractor when I was hauling gravel last week. We have also ordered a chipper/shredder attachment to make our own mulch to fill in all the low places on our property.

When Ken was in the intensive care unit last July with pneumonia, I wanted us to make a wish list. I asked him if there was anywhere he wanted to travel or anything he wanted to do once he got well. The only thing he wanted was a tractor. He had been saving money for two years, some was put away in a special account but some had been used for other expenses that came up. By this summer he would have had enough to pay cash, so I couldn't say no when he had more than enough for a down payment and could finance the rest for 0% interest.

And he's just so darn happy. I couldn't ask for more than that.

Going Gray, Again

My hair is back to its natural gray. I had it cut extremely short in November, which took off most of the color. Three months later I had it cut short again, and since then I have just been letting it grow. This past week I returned to my stylist of many years and asked her what she thought of the length. She liked it and gave me layers so I can keep it longer. This is the longest I've had my hair, sans color, in many years. I like it. Surprisingly, I like it better now that the color is natural again ~
Maybe that's because I like myself better now, too.

Gullywasher

This past week-end we had storms that brought torrential rains. While we were lucky, because parts of the state had hail and tornado warnings, the driveway took a hard hit. The material used for the driveway is not solid, and in heavy rain the finest, silt-like particles wash away. We hadn't had a problem since we lined the edges with gravel, until this past series of storms ~

The good news is that we still have an area of gravel to draw from ~

The bad news is that there is only so much I can put in a wheelbarrow and still be able to push it up the driveway ~

And that amount looks much larger in the wheelbarrow than on the ground ~

Which means I made lots of trips up the driveway yesterday. I meant to post these pictures last evening, but it was all I could do to take a hot bath and watch a movie. The reward came this morning when I saw the results ~

We need to do more work along the edges with larger rocks, but that can wait until this week-end when much-needed help will be on its way. Stay tuned....

Again With The Needles

I have returned to acupuncture. It's a last resort, and I mean that in the kindest way. I know it will work, and I know in order for it to work I will need to face whatever surfaces as a result of the treatments.

I stopped going for acupuncture in February of last year. Too many emotions were stirred up, so I decided to take a break. Instead I tried a variety of exterior remedies, as in getting busy, busy, busy.

That worked for awhile.

This past winter I took the opposite tact and turned inward to look for answers. I started meditating, exercising, hibernating, and reflecting. Those things have become part of my regular routine and continue to work.

Then when the nightmares, night sweats, spinning thoughts, and anger flared up this spring I knew I needed to dig deeper. The last straw was the acne on my chin, which I can treat topically but I know is due to internal upheaval.

I have had two acupuncture treatments in the last three weeks and started taking an herbal supplement twice a day. I can already see a difference in how I feel. I am not as frazzled, and I am sleeping a solid five hours at night.

I can't explain how it works, but it does.

Each acupuncture appointment starts with about twenty minutes of talking about what has been going on with me and how I have been feeling physically and emotionally. She looks at my tongue and takes a multitude of pulses in each wrist. Then I lay down on the table, fully clothed, and she places needles in my feet, legs, hands, arms, and ears. She leaves me in the room alone, with low lights and calm music, for about 25 minutes. Then she returns to remove the needles, ask how I'm feeling, and remind me to cut back on coffee and drink plenty of water.

The consensus, between massage and acupuncture, is that my body is responding to all the change in my life. My limbs and my organs work together as channels for what I take in, digest, and incorporate into the system that is me. If I pay attention, I will learn what I need to know.

Acupuncture, unlike massage, is not a long-term commitment. It is a tool to help me over this recent hurdle, to get me back on track. I am grateful to have access to a gifted practitioner who can help me find my way to better health.

It's a search for balance. I know I can find it again.

The Five Remembrances

I talked with a friend last week about how I have taken a step back from so much in my life that has been so important to me for such a long time. I have changed. Relationships have changed. Situations have changed. My friend said she has been working with the idea of detachment. We talked about the positive aspects of caring about others without becoming entangled in their lives or attached to specific expectations. We admitted to each other that it's a difficult process, and it's worth the effort because it is the healthiest way to live. She shared with me that someone just introduced her to Buddha's Five Remembrances. I looked them up online and found a reference to this version by Thich Nhat Hanh in The Plum Village Chanting Book (Parallax Press, 1991) in an article by Frank Jude Boccio titled "Embrace Reality" in Yoga Journal:

The Five Remembrances

I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

The article is well written and clearly introduces an explanation of this teaching of Buddha. To quote Frank Jude Boccio, "The problem is not that things change, but that you try to live as if they don't."

I found many other links to articles about The Five Remembrances. There is a lot there to think about and understand. It feels like it fits with so many other ideas about staying present and letting go ~ pearls of wisdom that have come my way in the last several months. This is one more step on the journey.