Day 648

We are expecting measurable snow this weekend. It's not unexpected this time of year, but I was hoping to make a quick trip to Boston to put a few presents under the grandkids' trees. I will stay home because it's one thing to get caught in the snow but something entirely different to knowingly drive into the storm. I will put things in the mail instead, and we will catch up in person after the 25th.

It was encouraging to think about taking a drive because I have been totally homebound since December 6, when I tested positive for covid. We got word a few days earlier that there was an outbreak at my grandson's daycare and were advised when to test. My grandson and his parents tested positive too; Ken was negative. My biggest concern was for my grandson as he is not old enough for the vaccine. Fortunately he came through it okay, as did the rest of us. I felt like I had a sinus infection for ten days. I got back on the treadmill this week and no longer feel "fuzzy" headed.

I am grateful that we are all okay. I am glad we had the Thanksgiving weekend together. I wouldn't trade a minute of the time we had.

The news this week about the latest variant is concerning. We will continue to be as careful as we can and do our best to keep ourselves and others safe. 

I thoughtfully share my experience because it is the case that we can do everything right and still get caught. I will go forward one day at a time acting on the best information I have.

Be safe out there~

Now December

 The second half of November was a welcome family-centered two weeks. 

My older granddaughter celebrated her sixth birthday with friends in a zoom cooking activity where they made cupcakes. We were the lucky guests to Maggie's birthday dinner on the exact day, complete with streamers, colorfully wrapped gifts, her favorite foods, and happy chatter. I had fun making doll quilts to match the quilt we started together last summer and a matching pillow case ~ I am delighted she appreciates fabric as much as her mother and I.

The next week my younger grandson had his first birthday. His party was postponed but we had a video chat and sang happy birthday. I couldn't wait to hug him and his parents ~ making it through the first year is an achievement and worthy of celebration.

And celebrate we did over the four days of the Thanksgiving weekend. My sons live in the Boston area just four miles from each other so we easily visited back and forth. My older son and his wife hosted dinner on Thursday; we each contributed favorite dishes which made for a delicious dinner and tasty leftovers. Friday we celebrated Wyatt's birthday with his other grandparents, and Saturday the cousins came over for lunch and cupcakes. We topped off the weekend with the Patriots game and a beef brisket my older son has perfected. It really was the perfect holiday weekend.

Now we're home. The house is quiet and the days are long. I have time to work on anything I want to, when what I really want is to spend time with my grandchildren. I will see Maggie next week and family in Massachusetts later this month. It's good to have that to look forward to.

Restructuring

I saw my osteopath today. On the drive there I took inventory of how my body is doing, to consider what to say when she asked how I'm doing. The word reorganizing came to mind; tonight the word restructuring surfaced. The words are synonyms, as are rearrangement and shift and upheaval (all of which I'm feeling). I like the word restructuring because I can picture building anew the elements that support the whole system.

It feels like my physical body is finding a different way to be. From my ankle turning to my knee locking up to my wrist feeling sore to my back cramping ~ body parts are transitioning as is my thinking. Is one in response to another, or is there a coordinated effort?  

My feelings about situations and relationships are changing, too. I am gentler with myself and others. I wonder about capacity for empathy and willingness to change. I question how two people can manage perceptions and priorities when they don't share the same. 

I still have more questions than answers. Part of what is changing is being okay with that and learning to be patient while I wait. 

I am encouraged when I look around the house and see the reorganizing I have done over the last eighteen months. There is less stuff and more room, a vivid example of how restructuring can be a good thing. I remind myself to look around, take a deep breath, and believe that I am making progress in many ways.

Joy Ride

 I went for a drive today. My goal was to check out a road across town.

Our road was supposed to be paved this fall, finished by November 1. I had my doubts about that end date when they didn't even start preparing the surface until well into October. They spent four days grading, hauling and spreading underlayment, and rolling the surface. It was ready! They took that Friday off...and then it rained for a week. Okay. Certainly they would be back the following week. They didn't return, so last week I called town hall to get a status report. I was told it had been wet and then it was too cold. I asked if it was possible that it wouldn't get paved this year, and the answer was that that was a possibility. 

There was no progress this week, so I decided to take a drive across town to see if the other road that was due to be paved was seeing any action. Indeed it was! One half of the road was being paved as I sat there staring. So much for being too wet or too cold. 

I guessed it wasn't a good idea to call town hall until I had collected my thoughts. I started back toward home and kept driving to the river, just three and a half miles from my house. The day was bright and the river was calm. I decided to give my mom a call. We talked about kids and grandkids, landscaping, weather, Rachel Maddow and Brian Williams. It was a good conversation and gave me time to compose what I wanted to say. 

I took the long way home. I called the town manager as soon as I got home. Very interesting update ~ our road is on the schedule to be graded the day after tomorrow and paved next week. I am encouraged, yet I know enough about this process to not get my hopes up too high. 

The other thing I learned today is that I miss going for a drive. In the last eighteen months I have been somewhat of a hermit, often not leaving the house for days at a time. It felt good to venture out today. I didn't need to go far to feel like I'd been somewhere. 

Boosted

I got my booster yesterday. I feel okay, which is a relief after the reaction I had after the 2nd shot of Moderna in April. The booster was Pfizer but whether or not that made a difference I don't know. I was planning to write this post last night but was so tired I went to bed earlier than usual. I took it fairly easy today and think tomorrow will be back to normal.

The last year and a half has been all about health, wellness, and prevention. There was no question we would get the COVID vaccine in the spring. We've kept up with dental cleanings. I have always been lukewarm about mammograms and was going to put it off yet again last winter, until my daughter-in-law shared that her mother's breast cancer was found early in a mammogram. I scheduled mine and was given the all clear. I know two quilters who are dealing with issues found on mammograms and send them both healing thoughts. They caught it early, and the outlook is positive.

We never know, do we? Last Saturday marked the 16th anniversary of the death of a dear friend. There are days I still miss her and wish I could call to catch up. Once in a while she shows up in my dreams, which I always welcome because she was always up for an adventure. 

I hope this finds all of you well and boosted, or planning to be ~

Sunset

I was at the kitchen sink this evening and glanced out the window to see the last light of the evening through the trees and the sliver of the moon between the branches. Of course I couldn't capture the colors or the moon in a photo, but the image has stayed with me ~ trees so dark only the outline of the highest branches shows against the gray-blue sky atop a glowing horizon ~ not all can be seen but what I know from before is that it's there and I will see it again...though it may be changed and not as I remember. 

The book I pulled from the shelf opened to the perfect poem ~ 

 For the Interim Time

by John O'Donohue

When near the end of day, life has drained
Out of light, and it is too soon
For the mind of night to have darkened things,

No place looks like itself, loss of outline
Makes everything look strangely in-between,
Unsure of what has been, or what might come.

In this wan light, even trees seem groundless.
In a while it will be night, but nothing
Here seems TO believe the relief of dark.

You are in this time of the interim
Where everything seems withheld.

The path you took to get here has washed out;
The way forward is still concealed from you.

"The old is not old enough to have died away;
The new is still too young to be born."

You cannot lay claim to anything;
In this place of dusk,
Your eyes are blurred;
And there is no mirror.

Everyone else has lost sight of your heart
And you can see nowhere to put your trust;
You know you have to make your own way through.

As far as you can, hold your confidence.
Do not allow your confusion to squander
This call which is loosening
Your roots in false ground,
That you might come free
From all you have outgrown.

What is being transfigured here is your mind,
And it is difficult and slow to become new.
The more faithfully you can endure here,
The more refined your heart will become
For your arrival in the new dawn.

(From To Bless the Space Between Us, Doubleday, 2008, p. 119-20)

Saving Time?

I remember how the time changes with the phrase "spring forward, fall back." I have never been able to remember which one is Daylight Saving Time, but I hear that DST is ending tonight. Whatever it's called, I enjoy the extra hour of sleep.

We marked the event with a new dishwasher, though not by choice. I was preparing to do my due diligence in cleaning the filter and screen in the bottom of the dish washing machine. My husband had most of it apart when he moved the hose to the drain out of the way and it disintegrated in his hand. He reached down to see if he could gather the rest of it to replace and it came out in pieces. Let the online research begin!

As you may have heard, there are some items that are hard to get right now. Appliances are on that list. It turned out the online rating mattered not as much as availability. I trekked over the Lowe's, during the ghost hours of late afternoon, and asked what they had in stock. I came home to check that the one white model they had wasn't on any "must avoid" lists and decided that we better get it while they still had it.

It took a bit of jockeying and adjusting, but we currently have a new dishwasher installed and operational. Our fifteen-year-old model sounded like a helicopter taking off from the roof, while the new one is so quiet we can't tell if it's running or not. Turns out there is a light on the front that goes out when the wash cycle is finished, which takes more than twice as long as the old machine.

There will be an adjustment period.... 

Quilt Update

It has been more than three years since I have posted photos of quilts I've made. I used to often post photos here, finding it relatively easy when I had a digital camera. I got my first "smart" phone the fall of 2015 and found a way to manage moving photos from my phone to my laptop or desktop; I don't like to write anything of any length on my phone. Then a year ago I got a new phone and let's just say it's not as easy for me to keep photos organized the way I like to. So I put off the task for months at a time. 

Let's see what has been finished in the last three years ~

This one is from fabric my daughter passed over, complemented with sun & moon fabric from a friend.

 The pinks and greens are fabrics I had saved for years for just the right project.

I used squares of special animal fabrics from my collection for my granddaughter Piper in 2019.

The goal of the Rainbow Quilt was to use many of the charm squares I had collected.

Blues and greens and golds and butterflies.

The Quilter's Quilt is made with interesting squares with grids and a variety of strips.

This Improv Quilt was started at a retreat summer 2017 and finished three years later.

That takes me through 2020. I am currently working on three that are in various stages and will share those as I get them finished. If nothing else, sewing keeps me off the streets and out of trouble.

Day 605

I no longer track how many days my household has been dealing with the pandemic, but someone I follow on instagram does a daily post. I admire her commitment and enjoy her interesting, well-written thoughts about her life during this extraordinary time. If I tack a week onto her timeline I know how many days we have not been out and about. Today is #605.

I never would have guessed we'd have to deal with COVID for 600 days. Maine's numbers were in good shape this summer but not now ~ too many still hospitalized, in the ICU, and on ventilators. Where my sons live outside of Boston the numbers are good; their county has about the same population as the state of Maine, but their numbers are less than half of Maine's. I see no end to wearing a mask in public because there are still too many unvaccinated among us.

We are doing all we can to be safe. My husband has had his booster and mine is scheduled for Monday. The best news is that three of my grandchildren are eligible and will soon get their shots. I look forward to when we can all be together again. I cancelled a family photo session we had planned for early October and hope we can reschedule early next year. 

Working Parts

 In recent years I have had opportunities to appreciate how my body continues to work and move. I am aware that it could have gone another way.

Almost four years ago my left knee started giving me trouble. It would periodically lock up, was sometimes sore, and developed a lump in the back. The osteopath and massage therapist I see worked on it for months. It wasn't fixed but didn't get worse so we took a wait and see attitude. Then just before I was scheduled to fly to Scotland the summer of 2019 my osteopath ordered an ultrasound to make sure it hadn't transitioned into something that could give me trouble; the good news was that it was a cyst and there wasn't much to do beyond what I was already doing. That fall I hit the treadmill regularly, and sometime during my daily walking in 2020 I realized my knee wasn't a bother any longer. No one could have predicted how or when that might happen; I was grateful it took care of itself.

There is particular body part that has given me trouble since I was a child: my ankles. While I am walking they occasionally collapse without reason or warning. Sometimes I can catch myself, and sometimes I go down. One morning on the walk to high school my right ankle turned and I went down hard on my knee. I was wearing the only pantsuit I've ever owned and tore a hole where I landed; I still remember how sorry I was that I chose that outfit that morning. My ankles have been a nuisance over the years, but there has never been a lasting injury.

I wasn't sure that was the case when I went down almost three weeks ago. I got up from the couch and the next thing I knew I was face down on the carpet. I not only turned my right ankle but landed hard on the top of my foot. It was the worst fall I've had due to an ankle turn and hurt so bad I thought I might pass out. I could move my toes and ankle, albeit with care and caution. The swelling and bruising came fast. Ibuprofen and elevation got me through the next few days, and luckily there was no lasting damage. Once it is totally better I intend to "write the alphabet" with my toes to strengthen my ankles. It can't hurt and it might help.

The ability to get back on the treadmill this week was all the sweeter after that fall. I put on my walking shoes and recognize how lucky I am to put one foot in front of another. 

Walking Again

Most of my life I have depended on my legs to get me where I want to go. We lived in Southeast D.C. until I was eight years old and then moved five minutes outside the city, where we could still walk to stores, bakeries, the library, movie theater, and school. I relied on my ability to get where I needed to be; my first job with a paycheck was at the local library in part because I could make the mile walk if I had to.

My first home in Maine afforded me the same luxury. I walked everywhere, and my kids did too. They all walked to middle school and high school because they didn't like to ride the bus. We often hit the pavement as a family to rent a movie or get an ice cream. If I timed it right I could do all my errands on foot within a mile of my house. I liked being on the move while being productive and self-reliant.

When we moved to our current home in the woods on a dirt road I was determined to find a way to continue walking. I measured out a mile in each direction and bought good walking shoes. Rain made the road muddy and winter was impossible due to ice. Potholes were ever present. Some days Ken and I would drive into town, park the car, and walk neighborhood streets. It was an occasional activity but not a working solution.

So after several months we invested in a treadmill. I thought Ken might use it too, but it isn't his cup of tea. I took to it immediately. We set it up in the family room because while I walk I like to be distracted, if not by the goings on along the road then by a movie or television show. [The early years in this house we had only the tv for entertainment because internet was slow and useless for streaming. That situation has vastly improved, and I am spoiled with the internet access we currently have.] The most recent treadmill placement was ideal because it was out of the way and easily accessible, so there was no excuse not to use it. I was walking daily....

until our issue with the water this summer. We had to empty the two rooms downstairs and most things, including the treadmill, found a place in the garage. The treadmill was still set up but it wasn't as inviting surrounded by furniture, boxes, tools, and recyclables. A couple days a week I would climb on and clock a couple miles, but the experience lacked the appeal it once had...

until this week. When we started putting the downstairs back together I suggested we keep the treadmill in the garage. While it isn't my favorite setting, I like the space we allowed ourselves as we intentionally moved furniture back into the family and sitting rooms. I purged all the things under and behind furniture, and we rearranged to maximize room to move. I just needed to find a way to feel the same intention with the treadmill, and with Ken's help we made that happen too. It took awhile but we cleared out the clutter and this week I climbed aboard, grateful to feel the movement under my feet. I am determined to keep moving. Some recent mishaps have reminded me that I am lucky to get up and go as I wish. 

More on that next time~ 

First of November

 It has been exactly three months since I posted. I didn't plan to be away so long. I have constructed dozens of posts in my head but that's as far as I got. This past weekend I made the decision to post every day in November. 

This blog started as a place to connect with other women and evolved into a written record of my life. There have been ups and downs along the way, and writing here was a way to process and keep track of thoughts and events. I spend a lot of time considering how what I share will be perceived by others. Posts are edited with goals of honesty and clarity without pulling others' personal details into the story, and in the last five years it has gotten increasingly difficult to do that.

I would like to find my way back. After all, my word for the year is restore. I don't want things to be as they were, if that would even be possible. I want to feel good about where I am now and hopeful about the future.

I don't know if I can make this work. I have decided that it's worth the effort to try. I anticipate false starts and changes in direction. As I type that I realize that that is what the last thirteen years have been. 

See you tomorrow ~  

First of August

 Three months ago things were looking up. Numbers for the coronovirus were headed down, and the summer looked promising. Everyone eligible for the vaccine in my immediate family was fully vaccinated; mid-May we spent the weekend with our children and grandchildren in the Boston area for the first time since March 2020 and it was marvelous. My older son and his family came to Maine the last week in May, and we made plans for more weekends with family here and in Boston.

Then on the morning of Monday, June 7 I walked into the family room downstairs and stepped in a puddle. Huh. Water on the floor. I looked up...it wasn't coming from the ceiling. I looked at the floor and saw water seeping between the boards of the wood laminate. Huh. Where was it coming from? Water was coming up in an area about five by three feet where there was no apparent source. After an appropriate period of panic I started making phone calls.

The first consultation was with our heating company, who ran a series of tests on the radiant heat over two weeks and found no problem. Ken took up the laminate floor in both rooms downstairs and the floor was wet only on either side of the wall the rooms shared, a total of 30 square feet or so. With a fan and the dehumidifier running nonstop the floor dried and no more water appeared. We had to find out where the problem was.

Ken cut the wall out three feet up in both rooms; the studs were completely dry and the one drainpipe in the wall was sealed tight and completely dry. I made phone calls to local construction companies, who are all booked with work for the summer. The owner of one company, who happens to be a neighbor and who builds houses like ours, came by after work one day and said he'd never seen a problem like ours. He recommended a heating/refrigeration company he had worked with, so I gave them a call; I conferred with someone who has worked in the field for 30 years, who raised all the same questions we had and offered all the suggestions for things we had already considered and eliminated as possibilities. Ken talked with a friend who renovated houses for decades who said he had no ideas beyond what we offered.  

Meanwhile we tried to duplicate the problem. I did laundry at every opportunity, and often ran the dishwasher at the same time while we both took showers and flushed toilets. Nothing. Resigned to the possibility this was a one-time event, I hired someone to get the drywall ready for paint.

Early July we decided to consider options for new flooring and settled on porcelain tile, which withstands heavy use and is waterproof. By mid-July we had selected a tile we liked and were ready to place our order. 

It took two weeks of phone calls, voicemails, and in-person visits to discover the tile we wanted was not available. We looked at other options, even contacted other companies, and finally just last week ordered tile for the floors. The earliest they can install it is September 20.

Now I need to try to match the paint so I only have to paint one wall in each room.

Boston family has come to stay, making do with the space we have upstairs and stuff everywhere in piles. We have made the best of it.

We had hoped to be out and about this summer but the resurgence of the virus has kept us masked and cautious.

Like so many I know, this is not the summer I envisioned. I have done a lot of sewing and will share what I've been working on next time.

What's The Word?

Many years ago, when my kids were all home and I was teaching full time, days were busy. There was always so much to do, and time was at a premium. One day, on a whim, I said we needed a word for the year, a reminder to keep things in perspective. The word that came to mind was "flexibility." It was perfect, so perfect that it was our word for a few years as the days just got busier. It mattered that we could change plans as necessary. It made a difference when we went with the flow. Life was more fun when we took advantage of opportunities that weren't part of the original plan. 

Then there were years that "simplicity" was front and center. As kids started leaving for college and life started going in too many directions, I looked for ways to simplify. Paring down some days to what was most important made it possible to keep going.

The practice of having a specific word for the year was first documented here in 2011. There is a post for each year's word but there hasn't been a complete list in one place until now:

2011    unafraid

2012    possibility

2013    no word presented itself

2014    release

2015    freedom

2016    trust

2017    breathe

2018    acceptance

2019    joy

2020    create

And this brings me to the word for this year, which I have examined from every angle and considered every synonym. It can't be any other word. Nothing else fits.

My word for 2021 is "restore." It doesn't refer to anything external. It is all about how I feel and think about myself from the inside. I want to feel like myself again. I know that I have changed in the last year, much of it due to forces outside my control. I'm sure that contributes to feeling off balance. I want to find my footing from where I am now.

I want to feel confident and capable again. 

I don't know how to make that happen. Maybe putting it out to the universe will start the wheels turning.  

Spring Ahead

A year ago last Sunday we had our last carefree day of being out in the world. We spent the weekend in Boston with kids and grandkids, a regular visit enjoying each others' company. I wish I had taken more photos. We heard the beginning rumblings about a virus, but we were not unduly concerned. 

Then we talked to our son who had traveled to a convention in Atlanta that was cut short amidst all kinds of restrictions on what you could touch and how you could move about. 

Upon our return to Maine Sunday evening we heard from our daughter that warnings about the virus had reached our state and advisories were being issued about how to stay safe.

And staying home was at the top of the list. So that Monday we hunkered down. I wrote on the calendar, "How long?" with not a clue of what was ahead.

That was March 9, 2020. 

Almost a year to the day on March 10, 2021, I got my first shot of the Moderna vaccine. I was a bit nervous. My stomach flip-flopped all morning, and I was glad I had the good sense to sip ginger ale on my hour-long drive to Portland for the appointment. It took persistence over three days to get a slot, one location for me and another for Ken the next day, so I was sure to get there on time and fully prepared. Start to finish it took 20 minutes. It couldn't have gone more smoothly, and I couldn't have been more grateful or relieved.

My sons and daughters-in-law have pre-registered for vaccinations in Massachusetts and await calls to set up appointments. My grandson will finish first grade remotely. My hope is that we will all have a chance to get together in June.

Not much has changed day to day over the past year, yet little is the same. Life feels different, and I wonder if I have a clue about what comes next.  

With one shot in the arm and a second scheduled for early April, I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. Like the time change this weekend, I am ready to spring ahead.

Day 343

Last year on Valentine's Day I went to the Portland Museum of Art. There was a special exhibit of flower arrangements paired with paintings and sculptures, and live chamber music was playing. People of all ages were slowly moving from gallery to gallery, talking quietly and taking photos. The atmosphere was relaxed, and encounters were pleasant. There was not a mask in sight and social distancing was the last thing on anyone's mind.

Just three weeks later my world shut down. I am fortunate in that I have been able to stay safely at home, and I have the privilege of taking care of my granddaughter two days a week. I have plenty to keep me busy and will never run out of projects to do or things to organize and clean. 

And yet I am tired of this, of masking up and staying apart, of not feeling safe. 

I am not alone. Everyone I talk to is tired, though everyone I know is doing all they can to stay safe for themselves and their families. We think it's important to do this right.

So I keep track of the days, anxious for the notice that I can get the vaccine. My daughter the doctor has been vaccinated and still practices all the safety measures. Once vaccinated I will continue to wear a mask and socially distance in public. Once my sons and daughters-in-law receive the vaccine we hope to see each other in person, hopefully sometime this summer. I have grandchildren to play with and a grandson born in November that I have yet to hold. There is a lot of time to make up, forty-nine weeks and counting.

The journey continues....