Restructuring

I saw my osteopath today. On the drive there I took inventory of how my body is doing, to consider what to say when she asked how I'm doing. The word reorganizing came to mind; tonight the word restructuring surfaced. The words are synonyms, as are rearrangement and shift and upheaval (all of which I'm feeling). I like the word restructuring because I can picture building anew the elements that support the whole system.

It feels like my physical body is finding a different way to be. From my ankle turning to my knee locking up to my wrist feeling sore to my back cramping ~ body parts are transitioning as is my thinking. Is one in response to another, or is there a coordinated effort?  

My feelings about situations and relationships are changing, too. I am gentler with myself and others. I wonder about capacity for empathy and willingness to change. I question how two people can manage perceptions and priorities when they don't share the same. 

I still have more questions than answers. Part of what is changing is being okay with that and learning to be patient while I wait. 

I am encouraged when I look around the house and see the reorganizing I have done over the last eighteen months. There is less stuff and more room, a vivid example of how restructuring can be a good thing. I remind myself to look around, take a deep breath, and believe that I am making progress in many ways.

Joy Ride

 I went for a drive today. My goal was to check out a road across town.

Our road was supposed to be paved this fall, finished by November 1. I had my doubts about that end date when they didn't even start preparing the surface until well into October. They spent four days grading, hauling and spreading underlayment, and rolling the surface. It was ready! They took that Friday off...and then it rained for a week. Okay. Certainly they would be back the following week. They didn't return, so last week I called town hall to get a status report. I was told it had been wet and then it was too cold. I asked if it was possible that it wouldn't get paved this year, and the answer was that that was a possibility. 

There was no progress this week, so I decided to take a drive across town to see if the other road that was due to be paved was seeing any action. Indeed it was! One half of the road was being paved as I sat there staring. So much for being too wet or too cold. 

I guessed it wasn't a good idea to call town hall until I had collected my thoughts. I started back toward home and kept driving to the river, just three and a half miles from my house. The day was bright and the river was calm. I decided to give my mom a call. We talked about kids and grandkids, landscaping, weather, Rachel Maddow and Brian Williams. It was a good conversation and gave me time to compose what I wanted to say. 

I took the long way home. I called the town manager as soon as I got home. Very interesting update ~ our road is on the schedule to be graded the day after tomorrow and paved next week. I am encouraged, yet I know enough about this process to not get my hopes up too high. 

The other thing I learned today is that I miss going for a drive. In the last eighteen months I have been somewhat of a hermit, often not leaving the house for days at a time. It felt good to venture out today. I didn't need to go far to feel like I'd been somewhere. 

Boosted

I got my booster yesterday. I feel okay, which is a relief after the reaction I had after the 2nd shot of Moderna in April. The booster was Pfizer but whether or not that made a difference I don't know. I was planning to write this post last night but was so tired I went to bed earlier than usual. I took it fairly easy today and think tomorrow will be back to normal.

The last year and a half has been all about health, wellness, and prevention. There was no question we would get the COVID vaccine in the spring. We've kept up with dental cleanings. I have always been lukewarm about mammograms and was going to put it off yet again last winter, until my daughter-in-law shared that her mother's breast cancer was found early in a mammogram. I scheduled mine and was given the all clear. I know two quilters who are dealing with issues found on mammograms and send them both healing thoughts. They caught it early, and the outlook is positive.

We never know, do we? Last Saturday marked the 16th anniversary of the death of a dear friend. There are days I still miss her and wish I could call to catch up. Once in a while she shows up in my dreams, which I always welcome because she was always up for an adventure. 

I hope this finds all of you well and boosted, or planning to be ~

Sunset

I was at the kitchen sink this evening and glanced out the window to see the last light of the evening through the trees and the sliver of the moon between the branches. Of course I couldn't capture the colors or the moon in a photo, but the image has stayed with me ~ trees so dark only the outline of the highest branches shows against the gray-blue sky atop a glowing horizon ~ not all can be seen but what I know from before is that it's there and I will see it again...though it may be changed and not as I remember. 

The book I pulled from the shelf opened to the perfect poem ~ 

 For the Interim Time

by John O'Donohue

When near the end of day, life has drained
Out of light, and it is too soon
For the mind of night to have darkened things,

No place looks like itself, loss of outline
Makes everything look strangely in-between,
Unsure of what has been, or what might come.

In this wan light, even trees seem groundless.
In a while it will be night, but nothing
Here seems TO believe the relief of dark.

You are in this time of the interim
Where everything seems withheld.

The path you took to get here has washed out;
The way forward is still concealed from you.

"The old is not old enough to have died away;
The new is still too young to be born."

You cannot lay claim to anything;
In this place of dusk,
Your eyes are blurred;
And there is no mirror.

Everyone else has lost sight of your heart
And you can see nowhere to put your trust;
You know you have to make your own way through.

As far as you can, hold your confidence.
Do not allow your confusion to squander
This call which is loosening
Your roots in false ground,
That you might come free
From all you have outgrown.

What is being transfigured here is your mind,
And it is difficult and slow to become new.
The more faithfully you can endure here,
The more refined your heart will become
For your arrival in the new dawn.

(From To Bless the Space Between Us, Doubleday, 2008, p. 119-20)

Saving Time?

I remember how the time changes with the phrase "spring forward, fall back." I have never been able to remember which one is Daylight Saving Time, but I hear that DST is ending tonight. Whatever it's called, I enjoy the extra hour of sleep.

We marked the event with a new dishwasher, though not by choice. I was preparing to do my due diligence in cleaning the filter and screen in the bottom of the dish washing machine. My husband had most of it apart when he moved the hose to the drain out of the way and it disintegrated in his hand. He reached down to see if he could gather the rest of it to replace and it came out in pieces. Let the online research begin!

As you may have heard, there are some items that are hard to get right now. Appliances are on that list. It turned out the online rating mattered not as much as availability. I trekked over the Lowe's, during the ghost hours of late afternoon, and asked what they had in stock. I came home to check that the one white model they had wasn't on any "must avoid" lists and decided that we better get it while they still had it.

It took a bit of jockeying and adjusting, but we currently have a new dishwasher installed and operational. Our fifteen-year-old model sounded like a helicopter taking off from the roof, while the new one is so quiet we can't tell if it's running or not. Turns out there is a light on the front that goes out when the wash cycle is finished, which takes more than twice as long as the old machine.

There will be an adjustment period.... 

Quilt Update

It has been more than three years since I have posted photos of quilts I've made. I used to often post photos here, finding it relatively easy when I had a digital camera. I got my first "smart" phone the fall of 2015 and found a way to manage moving photos from my phone to my laptop or desktop; I don't like to write anything of any length on my phone. Then a year ago I got a new phone and let's just say it's not as easy for me to keep photos organized the way I like to. So I put off the task for months at a time. 

Let's see what has been finished in the last three years ~

This one is from fabric my daughter passed over, complemented with sun & moon fabric from a friend.

 The pinks and greens are fabrics I had saved for years for just the right project.

I used squares of special animal fabrics from my collection for my granddaughter Piper in 2019.

The goal of the Rainbow Quilt was to use many of the charm squares I had collected.

Blues and greens and golds and butterflies.

The Quilter's Quilt is made with interesting squares with grids and a variety of strips.

This Improv Quilt was started at a retreat summer 2017 and finished three years later.

That takes me through 2020. I am currently working on three that are in various stages and will share those as I get them finished. If nothing else, sewing keeps me off the streets and out of trouble.

Day 605

I no longer track how many days my household has been dealing with the pandemic, but someone I follow on instagram does a daily post. I admire her commitment and enjoy her interesting, well-written thoughts about her life during this extraordinary time. If I tack a week onto her timeline I know how many days we have not been out and about. Today is #605.

I never would have guessed we'd have to deal with COVID for 600 days. Maine's numbers were in good shape this summer but not now ~ too many still hospitalized, in the ICU, and on ventilators. Where my sons live outside of Boston the numbers are good; their county has about the same population as the state of Maine, but their numbers are less than half of Maine's. I see no end to wearing a mask in public because there are still too many unvaccinated among us.

We are doing all we can to be safe. My husband has had his booster and mine is scheduled for Monday. The best news is that three of my grandchildren are eligible and will soon get their shots. I look forward to when we can all be together again. I cancelled a family photo session we had planned for early October and hope we can reschedule early next year. 

Working Parts

 In recent years I have had opportunities to appreciate how my body continues to work and move. I am aware that it could have gone another way.

Almost four years ago my left knee started giving me trouble. It would periodically lock up, was sometimes sore, and developed a lump in the back. The osteopath and massage therapist I see worked on it for months. It wasn't fixed but didn't get worse so we took a wait and see attitude. Then just before I was scheduled to fly to Scotland the summer of 2019 my osteopath ordered an ultrasound to make sure it hadn't transitioned into something that could give me trouble; the good news was that it was a cyst and there wasn't much to do beyond what I was already doing. That fall I hit the treadmill regularly, and sometime during my daily walking in 2020 I realized my knee wasn't a bother any longer. No one could have predicted how or when that might happen; I was grateful it took care of itself.

There is particular body part that has given me trouble since I was a child: my ankles. While I am walking they occasionally collapse without reason or warning. Sometimes I can catch myself, and sometimes I go down. One morning on the walk to high school my right ankle turned and I went down hard on my knee. I was wearing the only pantsuit I've ever owned and tore a hole where I landed; I still remember how sorry I was that I chose that outfit that morning. My ankles have been a nuisance over the years, but there has never been a lasting injury.

I wasn't sure that was the case when I went down almost three weeks ago. I got up from the couch and the next thing I knew I was face down on the carpet. I not only turned my right ankle but landed hard on the top of my foot. It was the worst fall I've had due to an ankle turn and hurt so bad I thought I might pass out. I could move my toes and ankle, albeit with care and caution. The swelling and bruising came fast. Ibuprofen and elevation got me through the next few days, and luckily there was no lasting damage. Once it is totally better I intend to "write the alphabet" with my toes to strengthen my ankles. It can't hurt and it might help.

The ability to get back on the treadmill this week was all the sweeter after that fall. I put on my walking shoes and recognize how lucky I am to put one foot in front of another. 

Walking Again

Most of my life I have depended on my legs to get me where I want to go. We lived in Southeast D.C. until I was eight years old and then moved five minutes outside the city, where we could still walk to stores, bakeries, the library, movie theater, and school. I relied on my ability to get where I needed to be; my first job with a paycheck was at the local library in part because I could make the mile walk if I had to.

My first home in Maine afforded me the same luxury. I walked everywhere, and my kids did too. They all walked to middle school and high school because they didn't like to ride the bus. We often hit the pavement as a family to rent a movie or get an ice cream. If I timed it right I could do all my errands on foot within a mile of my house. I liked being on the move while being productive and self-reliant.

When we moved to our current home in the woods on a dirt road I was determined to find a way to continue walking. I measured out a mile in each direction and bought good walking shoes. Rain made the road muddy and winter was impossible due to ice. Potholes were ever present. Some days Ken and I would drive into town, park the car, and walk neighborhood streets. It was an occasional activity but not a working solution.

So after several months we invested in a treadmill. I thought Ken might use it too, but it isn't his cup of tea. I took to it immediately. We set it up in the family room because while I walk I like to be distracted, if not by the goings on along the road then by a movie or television show. [The early years in this house we had only the tv for entertainment because internet was slow and useless for streaming. That situation has vastly improved, and I am spoiled with the internet access we currently have.] The most recent treadmill placement was ideal because it was out of the way and easily accessible, so there was no excuse not to use it. I was walking daily....

until our issue with the water this summer. We had to empty the two rooms downstairs and most things, including the treadmill, found a place in the garage. The treadmill was still set up but it wasn't as inviting surrounded by furniture, boxes, tools, and recyclables. A couple days a week I would climb on and clock a couple miles, but the experience lacked the appeal it once had...

until this week. When we started putting the downstairs back together I suggested we keep the treadmill in the garage. While it isn't my favorite setting, I like the space we allowed ourselves as we intentionally moved furniture back into the family and sitting rooms. I purged all the things under and behind furniture, and we rearranged to maximize room to move. I just needed to find a way to feel the same intention with the treadmill, and with Ken's help we made that happen too. It took awhile but we cleared out the clutter and this week I climbed aboard, grateful to feel the movement under my feet. I am determined to keep moving. Some recent mishaps have reminded me that I am lucky to get up and go as I wish. 

More on that next time~ 

First of November

 It has been exactly three months since I posted. I didn't plan to be away so long. I have constructed dozens of posts in my head but that's as far as I got. This past weekend I made the decision to post every day in November. 

This blog started as a place to connect with other women and evolved into a written record of my life. There have been ups and downs along the way, and writing here was a way to process and keep track of thoughts and events. I spend a lot of time considering how what I share will be perceived by others. Posts are edited with goals of honesty and clarity without pulling others' personal details into the story, and in the last five years it has gotten increasingly difficult to do that.

I would like to find my way back. After all, my word for the year is restore. I don't want things to be as they were, if that would even be possible. I want to feel good about where I am now and hopeful about the future.

I don't know if I can make this work. I have decided that it's worth the effort to try. I anticipate false starts and changes in direction. As I type that I realize that that is what the last thirteen years have been. 

See you tomorrow ~