Seeking Peace

Let me start this post with a few words about my favorite find among the used books I bought in California.  The book is Seeking Peace by Mary Pipher.  The subtitle is Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World.  I hadn't heard of the book before that day in March.  In my mind Mary Pipher was an insightful, talented, successful psychologist, researcher, teacher, and writer.  She had it all.  I thought this book must be about how she achieved that success, and the subtitle was probably written in jest.

Then I read the inside flap.  "In 2002, Pipher experienced a meltdown."  Well, that was a surprise.  Flipping through the chapters it became obvious that this woman, whose work I have revered since my first reading of Reviving Ophelia in 1995, faced the same challenges that so many of us do.  By all appearances she had it all, but inside she was hurting to the point where she could barely function.  It wasn't until she stopped being what everyone else expected and asked herself who she was and what she wanted that she began to heal.  Pipher shares honestly and openly the challenges she faced and the lessons she learned.  I don't think she knows any other way, which is one of the things I like so much about her writing.

More than once this book had me in tears.  So many feelings and experiences felt familiar to me.  I was reading her words while I was letting go of things I have too tightly held onto for too long.  Like so many women our age we had to learn how to take care of ourselves as grown-ups.  I, too, have mentally gone back to the little girl I was and said, "You are not alone.  You will be okay."  I am continually amazed and grateful when I hear someone else's story and realize I am not the only one who has had this experience.  It is a gift when the story is as sincerely written as Seeking Peace.

It is against the backdrop of reading this book that life began to shift in a big way for me.  I stopped trying to make things right.  It finally sank in that I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness.  I don't cause others to be angry, unhappy, or depressed, and it's not up to me to figure out what I need to do or be to make them feel better.  I can be myself, and if someone doesn't like that, oh well.

I didn't understand how important this realization was until I noticed I had periods of time when my chest didn't hurt.  When was that and what was happening?  It was when I felt comfortable with myself.  The more I say how I really feel and do what works for me, the less I feel stymied and stuck.  Not everyone appreciates my new found state of being.  Oh well.  It is too late to go back now.  I am feeling better, and I like who I am becoming.

Then one evening I got a call from a friend.  She'd heard from a mutual friend about a job opening.  They both encouraged me to apply.  The position was an Ed Tech, an assistant teacher of sorts in this part of the country.  It would be a good way to get back into teaching.

After all that has gone wrong in my job search over the last seven years [peruse the "Job Search" category if you are curious...or don't...it's depressing] I take nothing for granted and do not assume I have a chance of being hired until I hear the words "You have the job" which has only happened once for a short-term period.  I stopped writing here about the jobs I have applied and interviewed for because the repeated rejection was humiliating.

My first reaction to hearing about this job was "Why would they hire me?"  Then I thought about what I have to offer and how I had nothing to lose.  I would apply and see what happened.  I could only put myself out there and wait.

I was called for an interview.  Okay.  I got my hair cut and wore a favorite purple blouse.  Afterward I felt good about the meeting, and for the first time in seven years I did not second-guess anything I said.

Yesterday morning I was offered the position.  I said yes!  I will be teaching reading to third, fourth, and fifth graders in a school a half hour from where I live.  I will learn all I need to know about current reading curriculum and standards, which is necessary to teach in elementary grades.  The Title 1 teacher I will be working with has invited me to visit on Friday to get the lay of the land, and she has secured time for me to be trained this summer.  This fall my day will have a start time and an end time, with no work to carry home.  There's a stipend for one three-credit course, which will also help me with recertification hours.  Since I will be working in a school system I will have access to people who know what I need to do to meet current qualifications to return to classroom teaching.

I am so excited!