July ended on a high note with nine days in California visiting my son and his family. We enjoyed being a part of their daily activities ~ a trip to the farmers' market, a field trip with our grandson's preschool, dinner cooked on the grill, trips to Home Depot, and my granddaughter's birthday party with friends and family. Ken and I had lunch with friends one afternoon. We enjoyed walks through local downtown areas and saw the ocean from Santa Cruz.
I had the first few days of August at home and then headed to the woods of Maine for a week of "quilt camp." It was officially a retreat, but family style meals in the lodge and sewing in the barn and stitching on the porch felt so much like camp that the nickname stuck. I took with me quilts in various stages of completion so had plenty to do in my free time. I slept great and even read an entire novel, something I have not done in a long time.
I returned home to squeeze every minute out of the days I had left before I had to be back at school. I sewed every day and thought I had a pretty good handle on household organization.
Then I went into school one day near the end of the fourth week of August. I had to unpack everything and get the room set up, and working at it for 28 hours before the first workshop day was barely enough. I was unwilling to give up any more of my summer....
And the struggle continues as I fight to have time for life outside school. I have claimed weekends as my own to sew, cook, work on projects at home, and enjoy the occasional day with family. I learned last winter that I will never get caught up with schoolwork, and this year there is twice the workload with a new online data collection/reporting system. The learning curve is steep and deadlines are always looming.
I am coming to terms with what is my life. Not much matches the plans I had. I spent my first thirty years trying to please others and denying many of my true feelings. I spent the next thirty years coming to terms with who I am and realizing that whatever I do I can't please everyone. Sadly, it's nonsense to think that I will be happy if I am true to myself ~ I have lost friends and many relationships have shifted because not everyone appreciates who I really am. The hardest losses are some of the people I love the most.
Tonight the thought came to me that I am living the wrong life. This isn't who I want to be or what I want to be doing. I don't know what to do other than put one foot in front of the other and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I don't know what the next thirty years will hold, but I do know that the journey continues....
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8 comments:
We only get one chance at life (dang it) so you can't be living the wrong one-- it's just not the one you envisioned you'd have at this point. I'm skeptical that anyone really has "that life" they envisioned as a young adult.
Having THE relationship we want with family and special friends is like a tightrope walk. When we meet in the middle and maintain balance, it's all good. Miscommunicate, we get off kilter, stress, tension and uncertainty ensue, and there's a struggle to get back in sync. The best scenario is that we regain equilibrium, reconnect on middle ground and move on toward the big finish.
Thank goodness for life's moments of joy that intertwine with the good - the bad - and the ugly. Keep sewing and putting one foot in front of the other as the next 30 years of your journey unfold.
Sometimes you don't know what's right, you just know what's not. It's a start.
well, if you know this is not who you want to be or what you want to be doing then why keep doing it? those friends who didn't appreciate who you really are weren't really your friends.
I "get" the feeling that life can feel wrong. Particularly in mid-life, one cannot walk away from every situation and many relationships are worth putting in effort. So we stay and work at what is important.
The wrong life. I get that. You will figure it out. Glad to see you are still blogging. Merry Christmas.
Sharon, I have missed your writings and keeping up with you life in Maine -- and your travels. You always speak so deeply of what it is your heart and mind, and I always appreciated that. I believe we are always "seeking," never quite where we want to be, so please know that you are not alone.
On another note, I noticed in the post below that you had a chance to see Slim Langhorne (sp?) in concert. Lucky you! I heard the song "I'm Going through Changes" (or "Changes") a while back, and it hit home with me. I want to hear more of his music.
I've followed your words here for awhile and just wanted to check in.
I hope things are going well for you, or at least better.
Sending caring thoughts and good wishes.
Sounds like you are in the fight of your life. I am on the same journey and now live alone once again. Still in a relationship, but we are in two households. Works for me. I wish you well in finding your path.
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