Living and Dying

 A designer, an organizer, and a psychologist walk into a house....

No, this is not a joke. This is the basis for a new show on the Peacock channel [streaming for a fee which is well worth the money] called "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning." What in the world?! It is narrated by Amy Poehler, which just added to the questions I had. I watched the preview and was intrigued. If nothing else, I wanted to know more about it so I started watching. 

I have now watched each of the eight shows at least twice. Real stories with real people, all in Kansas City in these episodes, that have in some way dealt with death. Each situation is different. There are tears and laughter and poignant moments that touch me every time.

This is not a show about death. It is a show about living, how to continue living when you lose someone close to you and/or how you make room for living in a cluttered life. 

I have to admit that I was also in a place to receive the wisdom of this show in April. It was a comfort to see people working through a really tough time with the gentle, which is a key word in their practice, help of three professionals trained for just this situation, a time of being stuck and in desperate need of someone(s) who knows what they are doing. These three Death Cleaners are all about life, and they make it clear that it is not their job to make anyone get rid of their stuff. Just the opposite. They see their mission as helping people find their own way beyond the place where they find themselves.

So many of the stories spoke to me about what I've been doing in the past year ~ cleaning out my mom's trailer and storage unit; bringing home the things that have meaning for me and integrating them into my household so they are in use; clearing out the things in my house that no longer serve a purpose for me or my husband; and organizing what I keep so I can find things when I want them. Truthfully I have been working at most of this for two years, and it was easy to get rid of things in the back of the closets or buried in boxes that haven't seen the light for years. It gets harder to pare down what you don't use or don't really like but hold onto for sentimental value. 

After my mom's death it was time to get down to the nitty gritty. The bottom line is that I will not leave a mess for my children to go through and clear out.

That is some of what "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning" is about, thinking about what you will leave behind. It is also about what has been left to you, how you feel about that, and what to do about that after you are aware of/process those feelings. 

The three Death Cleaners are gentle and honest, good listeners while able to get to the heart of the matter with compassion and humor.

One aspect of the show that caught me off guard is the element of celebration of the person who has died. I feel emotional now just thinking about it. I realized that I had not celebrated my mom's life. 

In WV before and after my mom's death I was with one or two siblings but never with all three at the same time. We were all coming from away, and we all had commitments. My older brother made two round trips to/from eastern Virginia. My sister traveled across an ocean. My younger brother drove into a terrible storm in a car he wasn't sure would make the trip in the first place. There wasn't anything that any of us could do once our mom was is hospice. We said our good-byes when my older brother left for home and work, and I didn't expect to see him again; his plate was full with the legal and financial obligations in his role as executor.

There was no time to plan any part of what happened after my mom fell. It was all unexpected and things happened too quickly. All we could do was react.

So we didn't have the time together to celebrate our mom's life. At the time I talked about finding a way to gather in the summer of 2023, in eastern Virginia, where my mom talked about wanting to live. I had the idea of putting a bench in a park or garden and inviting family and friends to gather with us to remember Ellie. Last June there was no interest from the others in planning anything, which I understood because a year seemed a long way off. My kids liked the idea and were talking about planning some vacation time so they could make the trip to Virginia.

So in January this year I mentioned it again to my brother so family and friends could begin to make plans. He is not interested in that idea. Then I mentioned that I want to do something in Maine with my kids and grandkids in my own yard with flowers and a granite stone. He said to let him know and maybe he will make the trip north....

There is an episode about the topic of celebration, and I cry each time I watch it. The person was caught up in the immediacy of what was happening; and on top of that they were dealing with their own health crisis. It didn't occur to them that they hadn't taken time to celebrate...because really, who thinks of a celebration while you are in the midst of grief.

The Swedish Death Cleaners think about that and so many other important aspects of living and dying. I am grateful that they've found a way to share their wisdom with the world.