My Gratitude

On Thursday Laura will post her Gratitude Quilt.  I encourage you to visit her site, especially if you haven't seen the Quilt before.  It is amazing.

I have contributed in years past.  I didn't this year.  I thought about it.  I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think about what I am grateful for.  Everything that comes to mind belongs to someone else: my kids are great, my husband loves his job, my friends check in when they don't hear from me, and so on.  When I focused on what is mine, I see my car.  I can say that here but I'm not going to share that with the world.

I continue to push forward like I always have.  I exercise, meditate, practice lovingkindness, and make an effort to do things for others.  I support and encourage family members and friends in their endeavors. Yet, I cannot gain any traction in getting where I want to be in the world.

I was thinking about this on Sunday while I made the bed.  One more thing is not going to work out the way I thought it would.  I let go of the expectation without a second thought.  I questioned why I am able to do that.  Am I hard hearted?  I looked at that question objectively, not judging whether it was good or bad but wondering if that could be an explanation.  Is that why I keep going?

Later in the day my daughter and I went shopping.  She came back to the house for the evening, and after dinner she and I lingered over coffee at the table.  We both follow bloggers who have children, and we regularly discuss the different ways people handle their experiences.  My daughter has friends who have children, and she is seriously considering what it means to be a parent.  She asked me how I did it.  More specifically she wanted to know how I knew how to be a parent to her.

I thought for a moment.  I was 23 when she was born.  I was overwhelmed with joy at her birth, while at the same time I was heartbroken at the loss of her twin sister.  I didn't know enough to know all the things that could go wrong.  I didn't have time to be scared.  I knew I had a tiny baby to care for, I was the person responsible for her life.

On Sunday I told her that she came first, that she survived and thrived were the most important things.  I always wanted her to know she was loved no matter what.  My sadness was mine and separate from her.  My living daughter was my priority, as were her brothers when they were born.  I would do what I needed to do for me on my own time.  I never wanted my children to feel responsible for my feelings.  I am the parent and it was my job to take care of them. 

Then my daughter thanked me.  She said she has always felt loved and accepted for who she is.  She knew I was sad sometimes but never felt that it was her fault or that she had to take care of me.  She watched me get better, and she thanked me for modeling how to work through problems. 

I told her that I would have missed so much joy if I had done it any other way.  I wanted to be present for every moment of my children's lives.

I asked her if she thought I was hard hearted.  Sometimes I pushed my children to keep going, too.  She said she always knew I cared, that I would be there for her no matter what.

I am grateful that I had this conversation with my daughter.  This is what I will remember about Thanksgiving this year.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  May your gratitude find you, too.