Sometimes You Get What You Need

Two days after my birthday I read something that sent me reeling.  It was a post by Heather of Dooce fame where she shared this: " She [a friend] was very specific to point out that my anxiety likes to confuse feelings of joy with feelings of safety, and for me to really dig deep and make the distinction. That’s the really shitty thing about anxiety, it can take the kid inside you who used to marvel at rainbows and dance around in public and tell her that there is way too much to worry about to ever feel like that again."  Heather goes on to talk about how she allays her anxiety with exercise and diet and creating order.

Huh.  I went back and read my own words of the day before: "This year my goals are short-term and attainable, as in picking up and clearing off and updating more regularly.  I am walking longer and faster on the treadmill, which tells me that regularity matters there, too.  Drink more water and less coffee.  Eat more vegetables and less sugar."

Exercise and diet and creating order.  Those were my goals.  I could have chosen anything for the year ahead and I decided what I really need is to keep things clean and organized, that I need to walk more and eat better.  Yes, it pleases me to have an orderly house, and I do feel better when I walk and pay attention to what I eat.

But where's the joy?

I had titled that post Out With The Old.  That is what I wanted to write about.  I started out talking about letting go of old habits.  Then I proceeded to fall right back into my pattern of setting things right.

This realization was stunning.  I wrote Heather an email to thank her:

Dear Heather,
     I have been struggling with depression for months.  It's a cycle that comes and goes and has for most of my life but this time feels different, deeper.  I have been working with my massage therapist and acupuncturist, who told me Friday she thinks it's a crisis of the soul.  I told her that didn't sound good....
     My birthday was Monday and to celebrate, after a lovely brunch with family on Sunday, I did laundry, ironed, updated albums, de-cluttered the house and basically "put everything right"....It held the anxiety at bay because now everything is in order.  I wrote a post about wanting more joy in my life and trying to feel less sad.
     Then I read your post about that very thing, except you connected the two in a way that has been just out of my grasp.  I don't feel joy at creating order any more.  As a child it worked.  As a mother it worked because my kids were there to provide the joyful moments.  The last seven years I have been searching for joy and I have just found more sadness.  I don't even want to put things in order but I didn't know why it helped or what to do instead.
     You have provided a piece of the puzzle that I didn't know was missing.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Since then I have been paying attention.  When do I feel happy?  Dinner with my daughter.  Conversations with friends.  Walks outside with Ken.  Phone calls from my sons.  Photos of my grandson from my daughter-in-law.  Watching a movie.

When do I feel anxious?  When things feel out of my control.  The irony is that when I am aware of it the anxiety actually worsens.  I am grateful for that because it makes me pay attention, especially when I don't want to.  I go through my daily routine pushing feelings aside and "getting things done."  Then in the middle of the night I wake up in a panic that I can't name or find a reason for.  It can take hours to get back to sleep.  This tells me that I'm on the right track in dealing with this now.  These periods of intense anxiety foreshadow change.

I have tried to write about this for days.  I questioned if it sounded like whining or self-pity.  I don't want that.  This is the elephant in the room, even if I'm the only one that can see it.  It is time to put it out there and move past it.

Lost puzzle pieces are rarely found.  This one is a gem that I intend to put to good use.