Thoughts Provoked

There have been a few times when I do not publish all of my comments to a post someone else has written. I get so caught up in what the person has written and relate so entirely to their experience that I go off on my own tangent. Maybe I write too many words. Maybe I share too much. It doesn't happen often so I hadn't given it much thought...

until this weekend when it happened twice. For some reason I thought to cut and paste my overlong and overshared thoughts into a Word document. I've never done that before.

I have read over my words a dozen times, looking for answers as to why my thoughts flowed so easily into words and why they struck such a chord with me once I had them where I could see them.

Yesterday I realized that my two trains of thought are connected to each other...and to the place where I find myself now.

In response to Laura's post I wrote but didn't share:
"When I finally get through the mud I am proud of myself and promise that I won't let that happen again. Then after some time another life change lands me right back in the mess I thought I was free of. The amazing thing is that each time I know more than I did the last time. Each time I learn something new, and I now know that is because I will find myself in this place of uncertainty again and again because it's how I move forward. Until my current state of life transition I thought I had it all figured out. This time has settled that question once and for all ~ I will never have it all figured out. I need to get comfortable with the uncertainty."

In response to Annie's post I didn't post these thoughts:
"I think each one of us has something(s) about our life that we once identified with, that became an integral part of our 'story.' If it takes time for us to move past it, it makes sense that it will take others some time to digest the information if/when they learn it and then move on. We can only be accountable for ourselves, not how others react or internalize what they might learn about us. It's up to us as to when, how, or if we share aspects of ourselves because we want to or need to. Others can take or leave what they learn about us, though there may be consequences to our sharing."

In the usual way that serendipity works, add to the mix that a friend loaned me a set of CDs by Caroline Myss titled Self-Esteem: Your Fundamental Power. I've never read anything by Myss or heard her speak. This weekend I started listening, not because I think I have problems with self-esteem but because this friend knows me really well and said she kept thinking she needed to loan me the CDs.

Well, sure enough there were things I needed to hear, many things. In particular, as it pertains to what I wrote in the comments, Myss says that I cannot access my intuition if I am worried about what others will think of me and that following my intuition means that I will enter a state of not-knowing. Learning to listen to my intuition is a skill, a matter of practicing self-regard. She was right when she said that I want a guarantee that when I listen to my intuition, or take any action, that I will be okay, while the process of walking through the unknown is how intuition is developed.

So this place of uncertainty is exactly where I need to be.

Caroline Myss is an intuitive healer, and she confirmed what I already know: there are consequences to my quality of life when I do not have a sense of self, when I do not listen to my intuition. She describes high-voltage intuitive hits as not looking like anything I do in my life, directing me to do something I have very little skill in doing. Myss believes that Heaven directs us to do things we have no earthly skills for so we will depend on intuitive guidance in a way we've never been dependent before and we will pray more because we will be living in mystery and not in a state of I-know-this-and-I-know-that.

Myss says over and over again that discovery of self requires action. She says that esteem is a verb, that we learn self regard with practice. I can read about it and think about it all I want, but nothing will change until I take action. She says I am already intuitive; she is right when she says I don't want to act on what I know because I'm not sure what will happen and what the consequences will be.

So this place of uncertainty is exactly where I need to be. I will continually be led back to this place because walking through the unknown leads me to know who I am.

But I can't just stand here. When I don't take action on what my intuition tells me, I learn not to trust my self. Right now it's an exercise in self development, but at some point it could be a matter of importance that I trust my inner voice. It could someday be a matter of life or death that my self believes what I know to be true.

I have said since last summer that I do not want to be pushed off a cliff in order to wake up to my life. I have been kicked in the pants a few times in the last three years, so I have taken advantage of some opportunities that have shown up at my door. Then I put that aside until what I think should happen happens, or until another unbidden opportunity presents itself. I have totally been operating on a mental plane, no intuition needed.

But changes have been taking place and the pieces have been coming together slowly. Writing online has played a huge part in the process, whether I share all that I think or not.

I am often disappointed when I leave comments on Joanne's and Jan's blogs. The posts and other comments reflect learning, adventure, career development, and spiritual growth. I hem and haw and think about how I am in the process of striving for those things but have little to add to the conversation. Joanne and Jan always respond with caring and supportive words of encouragement. I think until now I didn't realize all that I was missing.

I am waking up.