I woke up at 5:00 a.m. Friday with a thought. Now this was unusual because I am rarely awake at 5:00 a.m., much less awake with a thought. There it was in bold letters, "The questions have changed." I don't remember what I may have been dreaming about, but this thought was interesting enough to keep me awake for awhile. When I woke up again later it was still with me.
The questions have changed.
The day before, on Thursday, I saw my doctor who worked on my right leg, sacrum, back, head, and chest. She said we are getting to deeper layers with each visit, working on old "stuff." I shared with her that I have been thinking about my body now in relation to other times in my life. As a child I felt awkward and uncoordinated. I jumped rope, roller skated on the sidewalk, and rode my bike with all the other kids. My knees were perpetually skinned, I sprained my thumb, and I had at least one concussion by age six when I tripped over a rope during hi-lo. Another time a friend was teaching me to sled and I barreled down a hill headfirst into a brick wall.
I explained that I didn't feel at home in my body until I was all grown up and pregnant. It was as if my body knew what to do and felt comfortable doing it for the first time in my life. It was the same with childbirth and breastfeeding ~ it was natural for my body to do those things. I never had a battle with weight, and other than the normal aches and pains I have been able to do pretty much what I want to do.
Now I have a middle-aged body that is changing gears...just like my life. I have written before about how my body often leads the way when change is coming and, while I didn't know exactly what it would be this time, I expected there was more than a sore arm and a kink in my lower back.
The questions have changed.
Due to scheduling challenges, I had had a massage on Wednesday. I wouldn't have planned those two appointments in two days, but it may have been that arrangement that made some things clear. She worked for 45 minutes on my right shoulder and asked me how my body felt; then she asked if there was anything else I wanted to know. Two memories came to mind ~ as a toddler I was walking between my parents, who lifted me by my arms and my right arm was dislocated; at age four I was helping with the laundry, when I pushed clothes through a wringer washer into the kitchen sink and my right arm went through the wringer, too. Neither incident broke my arm but it was sore and bruised, according to my mom. It may be that my arm has been bearing the brunt of my activities for more than 50 years.
As hard as I try to believe otherwise, my body is changing. I told my doctor that I want to be able to keep moving for the rest of my life, and she said I'm doing all the right things. What I ask of my body has changed over the years.
I realized Friday morning that the questions I ask myself about life are changing, too.
Instead of Why did I do that? I ask What do I want to do right now?
Instead of What will happen tomorrow? I ask What would feel good today?
Instead of Why don't I get more accomplished? I ask Did I remember to stay present?
While my body is getting in shape for this stage of life, it feels like my life is shaping up, too ~ because the questions have changed.
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7 comments:
What a journey this thing called life is. Yes, you're right. It's always evolving some way, in thought, in reality. Sometimes so quickly we can't keep up. You seem very tuned in to the process right now.
Oh Sharon, your sweet body has been through so much, it is no wonder that now that it is receiving loving attention from your doctor, massage therapist and you, these memories are being released, or that while pregnant and nursing you felt so at home in your vessel as these are deeply sacred tasks...the holiness trumped the pain, disappointment and old stories. And NOW these new questions can be asked as the way has been prepared. I'm sorry that you had to go through so much suffering to arrive at this place in your journey, but at the same time so grateful on your behalf that you have an opportunity (one too many people do not recognize) to change the questions/change the story/redirect your feet (and heart) along your path. I enjoyed this post so much. It is helping me to look at the unskillful questions I sometimes ask myself in my low moments. Questions are often so much more helpful than answers...but we do need to find the most wise and healing questions don't we. Thank you dear one.
Wow Sharon...this post resonated with me this morning! Thank you. Thank you. Isn't is amazing how our own words posted into the blogosphere can hit the nail right on the head for others far removed from your "now"? I love that. Yes, my questions have changed as well. And the ones you cite ring true to my heart as well. Onward we move.
I love this perspective. I'm going to contemplate your early morning revelation some more, too.
BTW...I spent so much time in the emergency ward as a kid, in any other time, my parents would have been investigated for child abuse. I was constantly breaking bones, getting stitches, needing rabies shots...trying to keep up with my older brother and a precocious attitude, were the real culprits.
Oh, this hits home with me on every level. The most disturbing thing about aging for me has been the slow breaking down of the body that I had for so long taken for granted. I'm being kinder to myself now. And gentler, too.
Sharon, I'm glad you're paying attention to that question that woke you up. Something similar happened to me years ago, when I was making the transition from married but working full-time outside the home to staying home with my newborn and writing the occasional freelance article.
During that time, I had a dream and the end message was: "Next time, don't give up so easily!" I've taken that message to heart over the years, and I'm glad I did!
I am thinking about this post a lot. The Questions Have Changed! I was unsettled enough to leave this post sit awhile and then I have been away- which makes internet availability unreliable. Ayyway even while away I have grappled with this statement- but alas with no time to contemplate it I am left with a feeling that like many of your posts that there is something coming down the track for me- but I just cannot for the life of me see it. Sorry to go on but it is like your words are telling me something but they are muffled and I don't know how to respond clearly... so I am left with babbling. It does not help that it seems I am not home enough.
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