This weekend I spoke with someone about my son's graduation. They said to me, "So, what will you do now?"
This person has known me my whole life and what they asked has been on my mind for three days.
My first thought: Have you not been paying attention for the last four years while I have applied for dozens of jobs and talked at length about the work I want to do?
My second thought: Have I not been clear about what I want for the next stage in my life?
I have spent hours thinking about my second question. I have carefully considered the last forty years of my life, decisions I have made, and the path that got me to where I am today.
My house has been quiet. The weather has been cold and rainy. I have had uninterrupted time to think.
I came to the conclusion that I have lost my bearings.
I took the thought one step further and asked why....
Tonight it occurred to me that I have always found my bearings based on the positions of the people around me, or I did until four years ago. That was when I set out to do the work I wanted to do, to get the type of job I wanted because I finally had the flexibility and time to do that.
And I have hit roadblocks at every turn. Repeatedly I have been denied interviews, and when given interviews I have not been offered positions.
Some people have suggested that I needed time... to know myself better, to get stronger, to rest and regroup. I have done all that and will continue to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel ready.
Some people have suggested that the job I am destined to do does not yet exist... and I believe that may be true. Three years ago I designed a job, at the request of a mentor. She took my creation and folded the tasks into the job of someone already in her employ. Since then I have applied for a variety of positions that were newly created, and I even interviewed for three of them. Each time I have come up short.
Here is the most interesting thought I had today: While there were other people in my life to consider, I made things happen. I fell in love and quit college and moved away and started a family and went back to school and fashioned a career that worked around everyone else's needs.
So why is it that nothing will fall into place now that I am the only person I have to consider? Could I be on the wrong track? Do I need more information? Should I just continue to wait?
I do not have answers for those questions. Believe me when I say I have asked the universe and am awaiting a response.
I have made two decisions: I will expand the range of jobs that I will consider, and I will start taking a yoga class. I think the decisions might be related.
On the first point, I wonder if I have been too restrictive in the jobs that I consider. I might be preemptively disqualifying myself and miss opportunities before I know what they fully entail. I am going to correct that.
On the second point, two weeks ago I told my doctor that I am not happy with the mid-life shape of my midsection. She suggested yoga. We've talked about this before and I haven't followed through on my own. I found a local center that offers drop-in classes and plan to attend a session tomorrow. Yoga may also help me become more flexible, in my body and my mind.
Wish me luck.
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9 comments:
You will love yoga, Sharon. About doors slamming, I get that. The people who say no to me, who have been saying no to me for years, are publishers, editors, and agents. I know your heartbreak because I have experienced something like it. And yet I persist...stubborn I guess;-)
Sounds like a good plan here. I think more doors will open by expanding your job possibilities ... I hope those butter pecan days turn into a hot fudge sundae :)
Sharon, first I am further down the road of life then you. You are young. I am old !!
From reading what you are sharing I think you need to be content where you are at this time in life. Still pursue your dream of a career. If it happens fine and if not - it was not meant to me. Go with the flow - do not keep fighting the current.
In my life alone for 30 years I found that doors would open and then I would pray and meditate on it to see if it was right for me.
Sometimes I went forward and other times not.
Yoga is so good for the mind and body. My son teaches in Thailand.
I took lessons for a while - but like to do my stretches early in the morning by myself. There are some excellent books that are helpful. My favorite is "The Woman's Book of Yoga & Health" a lifelong guide to wellness by Linda Sparrowe
Sharon your last sentence was exactly what I was going to share with you (until I read it!)...We all look outside of ourselves for answers, but the truth is, we are each wise and already know what we need to know...the answers (along with the questions) lie within, waiting for us to listen to our own hearts!
When I have faced "dead ends' in life and in thought, I envision an open space where I see myself engaged in something I love. My prayers have not always manifested in the ways I envisioned, but I have always been pleasantly surprised and blessed with the outcome.
May you find a yoga class that you love, and may something magical catch your eye when you are in a yoga pose looking at life from a different angle.
Well from a pragmatic position. Young people start looking for work and they take beginner jobs that pay poorly but move them into position for the next step. I think that mature employment seekers are looking for career positions missing the bottom of the ladders. Altho you have your degree you need some street cred and that might be found in a clinical case management level position maybe? I think you will love the yoga too!
I love the title of this post!
Just returned from my yoga class. I do indeed hope you are blessed with a good class and instructor. I loved your observation that your bearings have been based on those around you...There are still days (after 8 years of kids out of college) that I get to feeling like one of those "roomba" vacuum cleaners. You know the kind you can turn on and they vacuum until they hit a wall and go in another direction. Yoga allows me to focus on hearing my inner guidance- which is a bit disconcerting sometimes. But it is better than no direction at all.
Sharon, love your title, too. I think it says well exactly what you want for yourself.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard is to ask yourself: What or who makes you jealous? The answer tells you what you secretly want for yourself. For myself, sometimes I've needed to ask myself: Imagining myself in the future, what would I regret NOT doing today looking back on myself?
Also, I'll be following your posts about yoga because I've thought about trying it for myself but haven't yet done it.
I think any move forward is a positive one. I'm not happy with my mid-life midsection either. *smile*
With all the encouragement and good intentions you're receiving here from your on-line friends, the Universe should begin shifting to align you with a very special employment, indeed.
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