I am dating a married man.
My husband.
We had a moment at dinner early last week where we each said what the other had been thinking: we can't keep going this way. Each one of us has become comfortable without the other. We spend a lot of time apart for lots of reasons, and it has become too much work to reconnect when we are together.
I think we need a good fight to get things rolling in the right direction, but we don't fight. I enjoy a good argument, a battle of words that express different viewpoints and positions. Ken does not. So we don't argue. Instead we simmer and stew, and as time goes by we get quieter and quieter...until we really don't need to talk at all.
This isn't the first time we have been through this routine but each time it's easier to slip into. The difference this time is that we have no one around to pull us back into conversation. That's why we decided sooner rather than later that we needed to do something about the situation, because there is no one else anymore. There's just us.
The next night I made a nice dinner and we made a point to talk to each other. The following night we made a fire in the chimenea on the deck, cooked dinner over the fire, and enjoyed eating outside in the warm evening air. The following night we went out to dinner and a movie. Last night I made another nice meal, and again tonight Ken cooked dinner over a fire.
I asked Ken last evening if we are dating. He said he thought so.
Tomorrow we are going to the Common Ground Fair, which we attended last year for the first time in many years. We had such a good time, and we are looking forward to going again.
So here we are in our 35th year of marriage. I don't think it's ever going to be easy for us. Maybe it's not easy for anyone, people just pretend that it is. Maybe there are couples who sail through life together, and I hope they know how lucky they are.
We feel lucky to be able to say we are still here.
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9 comments:
How is it that us communicators then go and marry Capricorns? Hmmmm.....
Although we do have Kayli it often feels to me that my husband and I are on a small island since other family live far away. I can relate to this post and I think dating is a great idea. Perhaps a nice trip together to a place unknown to both is in order?
With one failed marriage and less than a year under my belt in my 2nd, I'm no expert, however, I believe that Awareness and Willingness are essential. It sounds like you have both.
The fact that you've both acknowledged the problem, were willing to voice your concerns, and are taking action to remedy the situation, shows that you have a healthy relationship.
I've heard it said that a relationship is over when one party feels apathy for the other. I believe that's true.
I've also heard it said that the best way to rekindle a relationship is to remember what attracted you to that person in the first place and keep that in your heart & mind. Saying, I love you a lot, and meaning it, helps too.
I think dating is a great way to reconnect. Have fun, you crazy kids!
xoxo
Carolynn
Sharon this makes so much sense to me. We need to date more, Gord and I. we talk about the fact that we need to, but there is always so much going on with the kids...and then when we do, guess what we talk about??? So even with kids at home, there is a need to connect and reconnect with our partners...heart to heart. There are so many levels to love and relationship...each level needs to be cultivated and nourished. I'm so glad you and Ken are making the time to date again. I will take this to heart as excellent advise my friend.
Keeping the love alive, remaining best friends, remembering to laugh with each other and have fun…marriage takes work. Lots of work. Every day. And you’ve had 12,000 + days together!
I’m glad our generation feels free to talk about issues and help each other realize we are not alone as we go through rough patches. The couples that appear to be sailing through life—there may be a few, but my guess is that most are just keeping up appearances.
Enjoy your dates and developing a relationship that will take you through the next 34 years!
What wisdom can I impart
None
Married for 22 years
It was a marriage on fire - a true love story.
But One Woman was the boss in most ways in our family business.
I look back now and 20 something years were all it was meant to be.
I grew - he did not. We have nothing in common at this time
except 4 wonderful children.
We do not talk about the untalkable
But in my 70's I will say.
Keep it alive...
Dating is a beginning..
Maybe what you have is all there is
Please forgive me if I am too bold.
Sharon- a bold post. One I would have been too afraid to write. I guess that says a lot about me. My husband I finally had that one good blow up 2 years ago. It cleared the air and allowed me to breathe again. He is a great man- but was a avoids the hard discussions. It is better now... I do wonder if I expect too much.
Can I just say how adorable I thought this post was??? Instead of holding onto a grudge, you began dating each other and I think that is lovely. No long term marriage gets by unscathed at some time or another. Relationships are hard! We must work at them to keep them on the right path. My husband and I decided a long time ago that divorce is not an option so, we have to find ways to get along even when that seems like the hardest thing to do. It goes in cycles where we are very in tune with each other and then all of a sudden, we're not. We just work through each issue as it rears its silly head and all turns out well.
Nice to know that there are people out there who find commitment something worth fighting for!
Hugs and love,
Deb
This sounds like a great shot in the arm for your marriage. My husband is not around much either. He works hard and plays harder. The vacation we took recently helped us reconnect but you can't always be on vacation.
Great idea, Sharon. I think it's good to look at your relationship with fresh eyes. (Reminds me of Carly Simon's song, "It's the Stuff that Dreams are Made of".)
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