Un-Do-Ing

In an effort to continue to simplify my already simple life, I am going to un-do my hair color. Right now it's three shades of brunette, and the gray roots add an unglamorous stripe at the part and crown. I cancelled my appointment two weeks ago because Ken was in the hospital, and I haven't rescheduled because I didn't want to spend an hour in the chair making small talk about "what's new."

The only thing Ken has wanted to do since he got out of the hospital is get his hair cut, which was overdue three weeks ago. I made him an appointment today in the same shop I frequent. While we were there I asked my stylist about getting me out of the mess my hair is in. She recommended I wait another couple weeks, until more gray is showing. I am unclear about why...but I don't have to be anywhere that matters so I guess it doesn't....

Well, that's honest.

Three words came to me a month ago: honesty, surrender, simplicity.

I couldn't sleep last night and was up at 2 a.m. writing in my journal. The gist of it was that I surrender. I. Give. Up. It doesn't matter what I do or how hard I try. Things are not coming together. I can't get anything to work.

For months I was reflective, patient, and present. I was cautiously active when it felt like action was called for. I waited and waited and waited...for a sign, for the right "something" to come along.

Then: Ken gets seriously ill and my oldest son moves far away.

Oh, and I got lost on my way to a second job interview. I left from the hospital instead of from home, and I had to make a connection to a main road in a city I rarely visit. The name of the building and the street number faced a street other than the street name I was given, so after circling the block of one-way streets I pulled over and called for directions. I arrived 20 minutes late. The meeting ended with the compliment that I was able to settle myself and proceed with the interview. When I got home there was a phone message from that morning about the interview; everyone was assembled and they wanted me to interview two hours earlier than originally planned.

That was twelve days ago and I haven't heard a word. I didn't get any kind of acknowledgment for the "thank you" I emailed after the interview. I think chances are excellent that I didn't get the job.

I feel undone.