Simplify

There is a series of four small cards, framed, on a wall in my bedroom. Each one has a simple black and white graphic design and a phrase underneath. With the new room arrangement I see these cards the first thing each morning. The first card reads "To simplify we have to say no." For ten years I have thought that meant saying no to others who ask me to do things.

This week I realized that it means saying no to myself, too.

No to old patterns.

No to the same old stories.

No to who I thought others wanted me to be.

No to who I thought I needed to be.

Months ago I wrote on a scrap of paper ~ Who would I be if not me? I always thought I wanted to be someone else, yet here I am. In February I copied the words into my journal. The words were clear but the meaning was not.

Who else could I be? That has been the question on my mind.

Who am I if I am not the jobs I do or the roles I play or the expectations I satisfy? I have been dancing around all that, questioning how to let go and wondering who I would be if I did.

Who am I if I am not my stories? Who am I if I let go of who I have always been? What will fill the void left behind?

While my mind has been busy trying to answer the questions, my body and spirit have been busy doing the work. Aches and pains that lead to insights and change. Dreams and connections that lead to answers and more clues. The pieces are coming together.

When everything else is stripped away, it is the essence of who I am that remains. Without all the extra bits, and sometimes without so much as a thought in my head, I have spent time alone with myself. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one to talk to. Just me.

Despite my best efforts to create another identity, I am still me. This is the simplified version, without the bells and whistles, minus the filters and censors. I am learning to meet the "what ifs" at the door to bar their entrance. I am eliminating "worry" from my list of things to do and "should" from my vocabulary. It's time to find new things to carry.

Today, for the first time, I feel that joy will be part of this journey. It's not that I gave up on finding joy, it's that I didn't know where to look. Joy has been buried under all the other stuff. The paring down and clearing out has uncovered the essentials.

Three more words came to me this week. Honesty. Surrender. Simplicity. I will add those to the list of what I am taking with me as the journey continues.