Friday, December 17, 2010

Willingness

I saw my massage therapist yesterday. We talked earlier in the week because she wanted to know what my doctor said last Friday about my shoulder....

A week ago my doctor asked me how my shoulder was feeling. I told her it was still sore and had been clicking when I moved my right arm up and down when I did the assigned exercises. Once I was on the treatment table, she started at my left foot and worked her way up my body. After she checked my right arm, she moved to the center of my chest and worked the muscles there. She was surprised that she was led to that area.

I told her that the area around my heart has been an issue, spiritually and physically, this year. I explained that I was trying to open my heart.

Once back on my feet, I raised my arm and it did not click. The doctor said that she wouldn't order an MRI at this point since I'm doing better. The exercises I've been doing have helped and she gave me a tai chi move to practice.

....I had relayed all that information to my massage therapist on Tuesday, as well as the muscles the doctor said were involved in my shoulder problem.

So the conversation before my massage yesterday was to be a short one, until I dissolved in tears. This surprised me because I had held myself together beautifully at the previous week's doctor visit after two weeks of falling apart at unpredictable intervals. Yesterday's emotion caught me unaware because I didn't mean to share what I did ~

Through my tears I said that it's great to get all peaceful and okay with what's going on, but that in the process I have let go of relationships that mean so much to me. I have changed; the situations are the same. I asked her what was in this for me? That sounded terribly selfish, but I hadn't said it out loud before and needed to hear the question.

The first thing my massage therapist said is that she knows that I don't like to cry in front of people, but she thinks it's okay to cry and show emotion. Then she suggested that I could stop the changes I'm making.

I told her I can't. I have had a pattern over the last 25 years that my body is ahead of my mind when it comes time for things to change. My body hurts to push me to make changes in my thinking so I can feel better physically. She added that it makes sense that my body would shift at the same time I make shifts in my thinking. She reminded me of all the work I have done this year, all the changes I have made in my relationships and the way I see my role in the lives of the people I love. She encouraged me to see how hard this work is and that not everyone is willing to do it.

While I don't think I can avoid it, I was reminded that I have a choice to go forward. I could continue to hurt physically and I could refuse to change my thinking. The thing is that I want a body that works and I want to be happy. I am not there yet but I am on the way.

Years ago my massage therapist introduced me to ANGEL cards, small cards that have one inspirational quality written on one side. She keeps a set with the word side down on a special holder. After my massage yesterday I selected an ANGEL card. The card said "willingness."

7 comments:

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

I understand so much of what you share. I bought some Angel cards a few weeks ago :) Sending you a hug and a smile...

Joanne said...

The mind-body connection is amazing, isn't it? Many years ago, my back bothered me for quite awhile, unexplained. Someone finally asked me to consider what situation I was trying to "back" out of. My body was definitely telling my mind something, and once I resolved the question, my back was better.

teri said...

This post is full - very full. I am trying to process what you have said. Can I say that I just returned from my massage therapist? I hope you don't mind but I will be borrowing your word. Blessings- teri

CaShThoMa said...

You've shared deeply in this post; I too am reading and re-reading. Your struggles are palpable; mind/body/spirit. Blessings to you...I'm thinking of you, Sharon.

Laura said...

"...my body is ahead of my mind when it comes time for things to change. My body hurts to push me to make changes in my thinking so I can feel better physically." Oh Sharon, you are working very hard, and learning so well to listen to your body, your heart is opening, and that means you are more vulnerable...and the thoughts well...you also get to choose how much power to give each and every one. You are so beautiful...I just want you to read these words...aloud to yourself so you can hear them. You are beautiful, you are growing, your a changing and it is all creating healing in your life...TRUST your intuition, trust your body, trust your own Divine wisdom and "willingness" to do the work. I feel inspired by you today my friend.

Cindy L said...

I can relate to so much of what you're going through with your shoulder issue, and I believe we hold our emotional pain and history in our bodies. I echo a lot of what Joanne posted here earlier. Amazing, what tension and anxiety will do to us. (With my mom's dementia on the downslide, and the effort I must put into her care,my body is really telling me some things lately ....) It sounds like you're beginning to heal and finding some peace. Take care, Sharon.

Cindy said...

What an amazing post. Thanks for being so honest about the tough process of letting go. I find that almost impossible to do, but you are an inspiration.