Willingness

I saw my massage therapist yesterday. We talked earlier in the week because she wanted to know what my doctor said last Friday about my shoulder....

A week ago my doctor asked me how my shoulder was feeling. I told her it was still sore and had been clicking when I moved my right arm up and down when I did the assigned exercises. Once I was on the treatment table, she started at my left foot and worked her way up my body. After she checked my right arm, she moved to the center of my chest and worked the muscles there. She was surprised that she was led to that area.

I told her that the area around my heart has been an issue, spiritually and physically, this year. I explained that I was trying to open my heart.

Once back on my feet, I raised my arm and it did not click. The doctor said that she wouldn't order an MRI at this point since I'm doing better. The exercises I've been doing have helped and she gave me a tai chi move to practice.

....I had relayed all that information to my massage therapist on Tuesday, as well as the muscles the doctor said were involved in my shoulder problem.

So the conversation before my massage yesterday was to be a short one, until I dissolved in tears. This surprised me because I had held myself together beautifully at the previous week's doctor visit after two weeks of falling apart at unpredictable intervals. Yesterday's emotion caught me unaware because I didn't mean to share what I did ~

Through my tears I said that it's great to get all peaceful and okay with what's going on, but that in the process I have let go of relationships that mean so much to me. I have changed; the situations are the same. I asked her what was in this for me? That sounded terribly selfish, but I hadn't said it out loud before and needed to hear the question.

The first thing my massage therapist said is that she knows that I don't like to cry in front of people, but she thinks it's okay to cry and show emotion. Then she suggested that I could stop the changes I'm making.

I told her I can't. I have had a pattern over the last 25 years that my body is ahead of my mind when it comes time for things to change. My body hurts to push me to make changes in my thinking so I can feel better physically. She added that it makes sense that my body would shift at the same time I make shifts in my thinking. She reminded me of all the work I have done this year, all the changes I have made in my relationships and the way I see my role in the lives of the people I love. She encouraged me to see how hard this work is and that not everyone is willing to do it.

While I don't think I can avoid it, I was reminded that I have a choice to go forward. I could continue to hurt physically and I could refuse to change my thinking. The thing is that I want a body that works and I want to be happy. I am not there yet but I am on the way.

Years ago my massage therapist introduced me to ANGEL cards, small cards that have one inspirational quality written on one side. She keeps a set with the word side down on a special holder. After my massage yesterday I selected an ANGEL card. The card said "willingness."