Money, Money, Money

I was up very early this morning. I woke up thinking about money, and it wasn't the I-can-roll-over-and-go-back-to-sleep type of awake. It was the time-to-get-a-handle-on-this-money-thing type of wake-up call. As I lay there I observed the words going through my head, and I knew I was playing the same old tapes. But armed with Eckhart-motivated insight, I know I am not my thoughts. I wanted to go deeper than my thinking.

Then I asked myself where this worry over money was coming from, and I waited. It comes from feeling there will never be enough. This isn't true, but when I'm under stress it is my default setting. I put myself under stress yesterday when I met with a financial advisor to see if she is the one to trust with my retirement savings. Bingo! My mind then went to all the old places to dredge up the tired tapes of my childhood. Of all the positive places my mind could go it chose to go to the most negative message board. Smack! That's your ego, Sharon, that wants to keep you small and scared. In the words of John Hiatt, "Old habits are hard to break."

The irony is that Ken and I have never fought about money, no matter how much or how little we have. We both grew up with the dark cloud of finances forever hovering overhead. Whether real or perceived, it was a problem that tormented our families. One of the first things Ken and I promised each other was that we would not fight about money. We actually prioritized our spending: food, a roof over our heads, bills, savings. And we have always worked together to meet these goals, through lean times and times of plenty.

The talk yesterday about planning for the future took me out of the present and launched my mind on a magical mystery tour of finances for the rest of my life. I did not prepare myself for the conversation. I jumped right in as if I was living in the future and could figure out a payment plan during a one-hour conversation. Silly me, that I believed that was possible. Sillier still that I thought it was the right thing to do.

Yes, I need to trust someone to help me plan for finances in the future. More important, that work needs to stay in the planning realm and not invade my present space. Today I have enough.