In Four Days

I will find out on Tuesday if I have my dream job. I thought a lot about whether or not I wanted to tell anyone exactly when I would find out. Then I emailed a few friends, and surprisingly I felt better when I saw the words on the screen. It made it real. It also helped me get out of my head and shooed away some of the unproductive thinking. However, I'm taking a risk in telling people because it's out there in the open now.

"Putting it out there" is a fairly new strategy for me. I have figured for most of my life that the best way to get through is to stay out of the way and not draw attention to myself. If I'm not bothering anyone, no one will bother me. If I have a valid point to make, I will clearly lay out my thinking with evidence to back it up. If necessary, I quietly go through the proper channels to work for change. Sometimes this strategy works and sometimes it doesn't, but it causes the least amount of upheaval and hurt feelings.

Plus, if someone knows what I'm thinking they might disagree with me. My rational self can deal with conflict and knows how to barter a deal. My personal self does not like confrontation and will do all it can to work things out another way. When things get personal, I get worried and anxious: Will I say the wrong thing? Will they still like me? Will they tell other people what they think of me?

I can stand up for any issue I believe in and make the arguments necessary to make my point. I firmly believe in dialogue and collaboration and compromise - around issues. I am willing to go to the mat for something I believe in.

And it's not that I can't stand up for myself when I have to, because I have done that and I've taken some hits in the process. When it gets to the point where I have nothing to lose, I will take the risk and make myself known.

As I get older I am finding more instances where I have nothing to lose. If not now, when? What image of myself am I holding onto that is so important that I don't want to share my real self or risk finding out what others think of me? What am I saving for later?

This could be part of that "finding your voice" in menopause that I've heard so much about. Is it that we don't have the energy to keep up the facade? Is it that putting it out there helps move things along so we can get on with the business of living? Is it that we know that this, too, shall pass? Or is it all of these things and everything else we've learned along the way?

If we're lucky, we realize where we've been and can see where we want to go. If we are really lucky, we still have time for the journey to continue.