Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Waiting

It will be two weeks before I know if I have the job that I applied for last week. I have "seen" myself in this job for the past three months, before the job even existed. This is the work that I want to do. If anyone asked me what I would do if I could do anything, this job would be my answer. I have sent my intention to the universe, kept a positive attitude, and made a follow-up phone call. Now the decision is out of my hands.

So I wait....

There is a scene in Out of Africa that has been on my mind lately. Meryl Streep's character, Karen Blitzen, says, "Men go off to be tested for courage, and if we're tested at all, it's for patience or doing without or how well we endure loneliness." Those words touch my heart every time I watch the movie. Having patience, doing without, and enduring loneliness, though not always seen in a positive light, can lend depth to an evolving life.

In this fast-paced world of instant messaging and texting, teleconferencing and faxes, where is there room for patience? The most meaningful thoughts are often born during moments of patient waiting. I am skilled at waiting for someone to think of what they want to say. My patience affords me the opportunity to hear what is eventually said. Waiting allows me to prepare for what happens next.

My patience during the past year has ushered me to this place in my life.

Doing without can be interpreted as lacking something, or it can be seen as making room for what is to come. I heard Martha Beck talk about clearing out the clutter of our lives as a way to make room for the positive things to come. I have been holding onto things lately, in part because I don't know what will come into my life if I make room. That doubt and fear will most certainly keep good things at bay, so it's time to let go.

I am going to willingly do without what I don't need to make room for the positive things to come.

One of the most difficult realities of my life at home the past year has been enduring loneliness. Before, when I had time at home, I had children to care for or I was involved in projects that demanded my attention for a specific amount of time. When I finished the MSW last spring and left a job last summer, I had no idea that I would be home alone for this long. Sometimes I have enjoyed the time alone. At other times I have been very lonely. It has been in the quiet of that loneliness that I have started to listen to my inner voice, finding the space and time to hear myself without distraction or interruption. For the most part, I hear myself asking questions. If I don't ask those questions, how will I know the answers?

Enduring loneliness has given me the chance to think about where I am and ask what is important to me.

I will wait patiently for what comes next.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sharon,
You're so right about the loneliness we endure, initially, after our children grow and we sit in the "dead quiet space" of a house. But I also agree that having that time alone also forces us to go within, dig deep, and learn more about where we need to go next ...Thanks for the thoughtful post.