Monday, October 13, 2008

My Life Situation and Other Random Things

Look for Six Random Things About Me at the end of this post. Katie at the (re)construction tagged me, so I am following up. All week-end I thought about what random things I can say....

and what I think about my life situation right now. I have been posting pictures and stories about Leo because 1) that's fun and positive, and 2) life has stalled again. I am not where I thought I would be, as in I have to think back three years to find where the last leg of my most recent journey began. Yes, it has been almost exactly three years.... There have been so many twists and turns, each one related to what came before and a precursor to what comes next, that I can't even think about the last three years in one dimension.

Today I thought back over 33 years of life changes that I have been through. The difference each time before was that I felt confident about changing gears and passionate about what I was headed for next: leaving college, planning pregnancies, returning to college, teaching. Sure, along the way I made false starts, but I always caught myself before I was in too deep or unable to change course without dire consequences. Right now it feels like I'm being punished for taking off in a new direction, for having confidence that I would hit my stride and find work that made a difference, even a small difference in my corner of the world. Why did I think I could make this work? Because I was always able to make it work in the past...always.

The irony is that I feel less confident and more self-aware than I have ever felt in my life. Right now I would trade every bit of self-awareness for any amount of confidence; I may still have it, but it is buried so deep that I only experience it in my dreams, where I have been particularly capable and successful lately. I wake up thinking that I like that woman [me] and wonder where she is. The waking hours bring no answers, so I paint and clean and cross projects off my list. I enjoy time with my husband, daughter, and sons, which is good for my soul. Then each one goes back to work, and I question what I am doing with my life.

Time to lighten up with Six Random Things About Me:

1) My first favorite author was Chaim Potok. It all started with The Chosen, which I have read many times, and carried on through the years as I read books he wrote before and after that one.

2) I watch soap operas. It started with All My Children over, dare I admit this, 37 years ago. It made sense that I stay with ABC, so I also follow One Life to Live and General Hospital, though I am most loyal to the citizens of Pine Valley. I can go without watching "my stories," as that previous generation labeled the soaps, but I do catch up when time and schedules allow. Soap operas are great company when I work on projects around the house.

3) I used to write poetry.

4) Sometimes I secretly put sugar on my Cheerios or Special K cereal. It just tastes so good.

5) I still have two boxes to unpack from our move, over a year and a half ago. They live behind the couch, and Leo likes to nap on one of them. [Tomorrow I will post a picture of Leo on the long flat box, and then I pledge to unpack both of them.]

6) I play the lottery. Twice a week I buy a Megabucks and a Powerball ticket. I play specific numbers, and I believe that I am due to hit the jackpot any day now.


Anonymous said...

Maybe, being a Leo, confidence is you most natural state but the others are all good too! You will find what you're looking for. Human services is a start small kind of arena and that can be hard for mature persons used to good money? Perhaps, thinking small like volunteer work in agencies close by will open the door for more. I have confidence in you based on what you've described. Psstt... I watch those soaps too!

CaShThoMa said...


When you say, "The irony is that I feel less confident and more self-aware than I have ever felt in my life.", I GET IT.

Reading (the serious part) your post today, especially this sentence, was light a bolt of lightening on this chilly, dark Seattle morning at 6 AM. I feel this too, down to my bones, and I don't understand it because at this time of our lives we are told we come into our stride. Yet, I told myself this morning, lying in bed musing, that I've peaked already and who knows where I'm going now. That's a grim thought but honest.

Best to you on your journey.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Pine Valley. I haven't religious watched AMC since the days of Jenny and Greg but I read the mags occasionally still.