Good-Bye July

Last year I ended July with a post about how we get where we want to be. I had decided that I knew how I would get where I wanted to be: with hard work, facing the truth, making tough decisions, and believing that it's possible. It had been a month of job applications, rain, and repeated attempts to finish outside painting. I wasn't where I wanted to be but I thought I had figured out what I needed to do.

Since then I have read more, written more, learned more. I finished outside painting and started working in the yard. I have gotten more involved in my community. I have applied for more jobs and attended career workshops.

Yet I end this July in much the same place I was a year ago ~ not sure where I am or where I am going.

The difference is that I am not feeling anxiety as I begin year #3 in this unsettled life. I say Bring. It. On.

The difference is that two of my greatest fears were realized in July 2009: one of my children moved 3,000 miles away and my husband had a serious illness that disabled him for weeks.

And I survived.

All the worrying did not protect me. Agonizing over possible scenarios did not prevent them from happening.

What will happen will happen.

This was made crystal clear to me earlier this week. I received official notification that I would not be offered the position that I interviewed for three weeks ago, the interview that I left the hospital to attend and at which I arrived twenty minutes late.

That I didn't get the position did not surprise me. What surprised me was the email that followed my response to the original notification. It wasn't anything I said or did that lost me the position. In fact, my level of education and experience was what they were looking for in a candidate. Unfortunately for me, someone with "much more experience" applied and was selected for the position. I was their second choice.

There is no prize for second place. There is no satisfaction in knowing that I almost got the job.

I am satisfied that I did the best I could. I was not penalized for being human and getting lost and arriving late. I was recognized for what I know and what I can do.

So life goes on. I am a year older and a bit wiser than this time last year. I will keep trying. I will keep growing.

The journey continues....