Here I am at the start of another October. Forty-seven years ago this week-end my family moved into the first and only house my parents would own. Thirty-two years ago this week-end my husband and I moved into our first house. Two years ago this week-end Leo showed up on our porch.
Things happen when they happen, so I am always amazed when dates overlap like that. There are 365 days in a year, so why do life events so often happen on dates that are already significant?
This past week was the first week of the Buddha Chick course. We received Lesson 1 on Monday, which was to observe our reactions and feelings this week. We had a conference call Wednesday evening, and it was good to hear the voices of other participants. There is a members-only blog and a discussion thread on FaceBook. There has been a lot to take in this first week.
So I have been surprised by how calm I feel. I have had practice with observing myself; it's something I have been working on for a long time with my massage therapist.
My calm surprises me because I now know that this week has been a time for me to come to terms with the knowledge that I am facing another shift in my life. I am not sure what it will be, but after three years in this state of transition I know it's time. I have been through these "growth spurts" before and I know it will be a time of gains and losses. I am glad that I recognized these feelings, while I am sad that the all the "dancing" I have been doing will not be able to save me from what's ahead.
In the past three years I have tried everything I can think of ~ from applying for dozens of jobs to starting a business to coloring my hair to learning to meditate.
Then this summer the clamor for change got louder.
I had my birth chart read. I was told I need a lot of freedom; as an Aquarius I bring a new perspective; I have been holding myself back and have a fear of letting go. It is in my nature, according to my chart, to speak the truth, do things my own way, and to speak what's in my heart.
The problem is that what my heart has to say has been buried for so long that I can't hear it. I stated this week that my intention during the Buddha Chick course is to learn to listen to my heart. That means that I need to clear away the static and pay close attention.
I saw my doctor, a DO, yesterday for a sore shoulder. She started by working on my sacrum. She said, "Sharon, this is your core. It's being stubborn. What's been going on with you?"
And this mirrored a conversation I had earlier in the day with a friend who said, "Sharon, this was a big year for you. All of your children have made it clear that they are independent of you. How are you doing with that?"
As I lay on the treatment table yesterday, in a clinic that used to be a hospital where both of my sons were born, I thought about the days that each of my children were born. Then I thought about my youngest getting his first apartment this April, and my oldest establishing new boundaries with me in May, and my middler giving it to me straight in June.
As much as I want things to settle down, life has become even more unsettled.
I know this is a sign that a big shift is coming. I have been holding this at bay because inevitably it means that there will losses. I have been here before and know of what I speak. It's hard to let go of what isn't working, and it hurts to lose what has been important for so long.
By definition change cannot happen if all things stay the same.
So it has been a quiet week, externally. Inside, I am bracing for what's next.
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9 comments:
Sharon, I smile as I read your post this early morning. Understand so much of what you share. I listened to my heart and that is why I returned to my country property and built by the woods one year ago. Finally listenting to my heart... I finally realize my children are each going their different ways they are not dependent upon me. I have given them roots and wings. Everything is changing so fast.
You are on the right road.
Have a wonderful weekend:)
Sharon, from following your blog through much of this, I can clearly say that no matter what, you are "owning" this journey you are on. You embrace it wholeheartedly, and I'm interested in following along and seeing where it takes you. Onward!
Sharon,
Oh, dear one, I pray that God whispers directly into your ear and makes clear His will...and also eases the coming of the next thing.
Patti
Sharon, I also go through times when I seek clarity and direction in my life, so I feel for you. I don't have an answer, but I just wanted to share with you something that made me happy today.
This morning, I just finished reading an old article that I had printed off the Internet and through into my reading bin. There's a section in that article that helped me, and I thought I'd share it here.
The article is from the online magazine Wired. The title is: "New Rules for the New Economy." I especially liked the last of the twelve principles the writer mentions for living in today's world: Don't solve problems, seek opportunities.
I think that advice will help me focus my energy better.
Anyway, Sharon, I believe that you'll find your way!
Your journey with Buddha Chicks sounds fascinating and my prediction is that many good things will come; clarity in particular. I once took a 6 weeks course (Phoenix Rising Yoga) and transformed me with regard to a personal secret I had kept for 30 plus years; liberating and life changing. I hope you experience your own version of spectacular.
third times a charm? Sharon, I wrote you a thoughtful response that somehow got lost in cyberspace...and now my brain cannot remember exactly what I said...but it had something to do with bracing yourself for the transition...and that perhaps to do the opposite, to relax instead...like a leaf falling from a tree...might create less suffering (even though your intention in bracing is protection...in the end it might not be the most compassionate approach?)...just thoughts. Thank you dear one for the poem and lyrics and all the kindnesses you send my way...gentle steps buddha chick sister
My mini-class is on this coming Saturday and Sunday- I am taking Laura's word to heart and attempting to do less "bracing"-
Oh Sharon, I recognize at least some of what you're going through. It took me a long time to realize that my grown children moving across the country was not some temporary thing, that it would change my life, that I couldn't fix it, that they were fine without me in a way I was not without them. Really, it just recently kicked in that nope, they're not coming back and I'm not going to have the geographically close family I always took for granted.
It sounds like something exciting is about to happen. It's always a bit scary, taking that leap in faith. I look forward to hearing more about your journey.
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