My husband wants a tractor. He has already picked out the John Deere he wants to own, as well as the attachments he wants to haul boulders and blow snow. He makes regular visits to the John Deere website and various dealers around New England. He is saving money for his purchase at some future date.
I have been racking my brain to think of anything I want as much as he wants that tractor. I keep coming up empty.
Today I was talking to a friend about trying to figure this out. I said the words I've said before, that the things I wanted most in life were a home and a family...and then my voice caught and I paused. A thought came clear. When we moved to this new house, my husband decided he needed a tractor. For me, the move to this house marked the loss of the house I had made a home for 30 years, the place where I brought my babies home to grow up.
My friend said that it sounded like that dream became a reality, whose time has now passed.
She's right. I realized my dream and attained what I most wanted in life.
She said that it's time for a new dream. I told her I have been trying to make room for something new but that nothing comes to me. She said that it will, that it takes time, that sometimes we have to sit with the emptiness and wait. I said I have been waiting. She agreed, smiled, and said it will take more time. There is little I can do but continue to wait.
I wish I wanted a tractor....
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4 comments:
I so relate to this post. From a very personal standpoint, I am in that waiting mode, as you are. Sharon, I think I told you about my clear glass bowl and the metaphor it represents. It's on my counter now, empty and waiting. Sometimes I pour myself a cup of tea and meditate on the bowl, hoping for a new dream to dawn. Fallow time isn't easy, but I do believe there are rewards to come for us...Wishing you a good new year.
Your friend is right. The "tractor" will present itself.
Hi Sharon, I just came across your blog and have been enjoying reading back through your posts. I can really relate to this one. Especially as we get older, and time doesn't seem as "endless" as it once did, waiting can be a tad challenging.
There's a play on words with the tractor ... I'm thinking of the "tractor beams" in Star Trek, which the starship Enterprise would use to pull an object toward it and take it on board. So in the waiting, it's been helpful for me to realize that I am being pulled toward the new, and vice versa.
interesting when we moved from the left coast to montana... the tractor became THE mode of transportation. :)
listen to your heart... i found an inn and of all things ... horses
somewhere where the l-rd closes a door, He opens a window...
happy new year
gp in montana
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