I wish I knew what I was doing. I feel pulled in so many directions because I don't know which effort will take me where I want to go. It would help if I had a clear idea about what the future holds. No matter how hard I try, the cloudy vision of the future refuses to clear.
I keep hoping that something will click into place.
I have signed up for another series of workshops. This time the topics are basic bookkeeping, financial planning, and marketing for women who have, or want to start, their own business.
Last night was basic bookkeeping methods that are easy to put in place and use. I like math and keeping records. The anxious moments come when I think about the things that I have no control over. I set those fears aside long enough to finish the class.
When I got home the disappointment I feel in myself washed over me. What have I done with my life? What am I doing now?
My life is full of loose ends, and it feels like there is no way to tie anything up neatly.
Someone in a post or a comment recently said, "Don't tell me what you're going to do; show me what you've done." That has been going through my head for days.
I have spent thirty years making a home and taking care of my family. That's what I have done. That job is finished. I did such a good job that my children are now taking care of themselves and living their own lives.
I didn't account for what comes next, for what I would do afterward. The days are filled with self-doubt and obstacles at every turn. The nights hold uneasy wakefulness and unsettling dreams.
More questions. No answers. Sadness is heavy. The tears flow easily. The core of peace is elusive.
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6 comments:
Dear Sharon- our purpose in life isn't to get somewhere... it is just in being. You are a wonderful person it seems and I hate to see you define yourself by career. I suppose it's easy for me to say- I've never known anything but work. I sure wouldn't mind several years off sometimes... the grass is always greener. Sigh...
What have you done with your life? Oh my, you have made the most rewarding, commendable choice in raising a family. You've put your very own heart into that amazing choice. And now each tomorrow is a gift, the hours unwrapping on the potential of a decision, an answer, a possibility. Keep that positive-ness I see in your post title ... it's a great help on this winding journey through the days.
Sharon,
I am sorry that this time feels so dark to you. What I know is this. The darkest times I have been through have brought me to the greatest light, in time, along with healing. Hang tough, stay loose, and true to yourself.
Breathe. My favorite mantra is (and I made it up): "Believe, breathe, and be well." When things feel really challenging for me I always go back to the breath...
And do something good for yourself. Comfort, self-nurturing, I think is so key when we are feeling bad. Tenderness to self—a powerful prescription!
Hugs to you this evening.
Your unsettled feelings come through....hoping the mist clears for you soon.
I once heard someone smart write that "success is the quality of the journey" and suspect this may have some relevance in this struggle you face.
Best to you.
I can relate to this. Your post reminds me of a wise question someone once asked me. "What if ... ?"
What if it's OK not to know what you're doing? What if it's OK that your life feels like a bunch of loose ends?
Our culture places such emphasis on having everything organized and planned out, and expects us to cram ourselves into societally-prescribed boxes and categories. But honestly, do you know anyone who really lives like that? Seems like life would be pretty boring that way. And the thing is, those boxes and categories keep changing anyway.
What a grand adventure we are on. :)
You sound like a fairly recent empty nester? As I mentioned in my reply to your comment on my post on Mahlie, I am reading a book on grieving. You might find some comfort in it, as any life change is also something for which you grieve, not just a death or divorce. You may be missing your life as it was, with your children, now with them not around, etc. It may help you process and move forward if that is what is causing some pain.
I do hope you have a good community of friends (not just online) to be with and share with.
You really should do something career-wise with writing if you can. You have a way with word.
Oh, the book is called: The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman.
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