Intimacy Before and After Menopause

My husband, Ken, and I have been together for more than 33 years. Our first date sealed the deal on our friendship. For weeks before that memorable evening we met nightly over coffee at Dunkin' Donuts, where we talked for hours. We liked each other and enjoyed being in each other's company. Ken and I knew we were in the relationship for the long haul before we donned our best duds and went out to dinner.

Our relationship was emotionally intimate before it was physically intimate. We shared what we were thinking, questioned each other's ideas, discussed our differences, made compromises, and dared to dream. It was important to me that I could talk to the man I loved.

Physical intimacy came as naturally as emotional intimacy had. We were a good fit. When we made time to talk, our relationship flourished. We married, moved, bought a house, and started a family. We needed both emotional and physical intimacy for our marriage to stay strong.

When we reached an impasse in our marriage, communication suffered and so did physical intimacy. There were times when we had different goals and couldn't agree; it was hard to talk without fighting and we grew apart. Sometimes it was physical longing that brought us back together, so we could again hear what the other had to say. Sometimes it was a recognition of all we had to lose, if we didn't make things right, that started us talking and led us back into each other's arms. Emotional and physical intimacy went hand in hand for us.

After three decades together, and as our children became adults, Ken and I looked forward to spending more time as a couple. We had come full circle and could again focus on each other. What I didn't anticipate was how menopause and postmenopause would affect the intimate relationship I had with my husband. We had always found a way to work through problems together. For the first time, I had to find answers on my own.

Initially, it wasn't apparent to me how much things had changed. I was tired, my body was changing, and I didn't react in the same way when my husband and I were physically intimate. Ken was patient, and I was frustrated. We talked about it, as much as I was able because I didn't understand what was happening. I was well into menopause, so I thought the worst was over. Ken and I continued to communicate, which is what I've always counted on to keep us close. This time, when I needed it most, it didn't help to talk about what was going on. When talking didn't help, I stopped making the effort to explain my experience, and our communication suffered.

In the past, we used emotional and physical intimacy to build our relationship. When we were low in one, we compensated with the other. We tag-teamed the emotional and the physical to overcome hurdles. This time we didn't have enough of one to make up for the lack of the other, and I didn't know how to replenish our supply.

Was this the true "change?" Was this why couples moved to separate beds? Was this where loving looks replaced passion? Was this the end to my hope to reclaim the life my husband and I shared before we had children?

I decided "this" would be none of those things. I overcame my modesty and shared what I was going through with my massage therapist, who worked to loosen muscles in my back and abdomen, and my acupuncturist, whose treatments and herbs addressed my symptoms. I continued to use natural progesterone regularly, and lubricant became a mainstay. Over a period of months the situation improved. Then I hit the proverbial wall where things no longer continued to get better. And that is when I reached into the back of the linen closet and pulled out the estrogen cream that was prescribed for me last year. Intercourse is no longer painful, and physical sensation has improved in the last few weeks. I will continue to work on all fronts to get back to 100%.

I thought long and hard before I decided to post about my experience. It has taken me six hours to write the words that express what I want to say. I wish I had known what to be aware of. Neither Ken or I did anything wrong, but our relationship changed because we could not rely on what had always worked in the past. I needed to use a variety of strategies to solve the problem. I didn't need to lose the emotional and physical intimacy I have shared with my husband for the last 33 years.