Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Born Analogy



A friend gave me this cup for my 40th birthday.
It mirrors how I'm feeling ~




Last night I couldn't shake the words "giving birth to herself," the words Christiane Northrup, M.D. uses to describe menopause. I have been reading other women's blogs where they write about childbirth, so the topic has been on my mind. I have racked my brain for any similarity between the birth process and how I'm feeling, and I got nothin'.

This morning I pulled out Dr. Northrup's book The Wisdom of Menopause, which I read five years ago, to see what I've forgotten. On page 7 she writes, "Compared to when they were in their twenties, thirties, and forties, they [women] felt their lives had improved in many ways, including family life, interests, friendships, and their relationship with their spouse or partner." So that's it - that's what is supposed to be happening right now. Well, I've been in menopause almost four years, and I'm still waiting.

I have one friend who hates whining and one who doesn't like complaining, so I am trying real hard not to do either. But I am at a loss right now for what to do next. This isn't a new or exciting time for me. I have been putting one foot in front of the other, keeping my mind open, and saying yes when an opportunity arises. Right now I feel sad and alone.

I tried to follow a dream in 2005 when I went back to school for a degree in social work, a degree I had started 30 years earlier. It seemed like a good time in my life to change careers. I learned that I didn't want to do clinicial social work but that I loved organizational and community practice. The program was a disappointment, but I met some good people and followed through because it felt like the right thing to do....

In the middle of my second year of school, Ken and I moved. If I had been alone, or if Ken hadn't been so unhappy in the old house, I never would have moved. At each point along the way I thought something would happen that would keep us where we were, but the universe had other plans and propelled us forward. I wish I knew why....

I knew with the completion of my degree and the move that changes were inevitable. I had the support of the massage therapist I consider my friend and have seen for ten years; I started seeing an acupuncturist for help with symptoms of menopause, and I began to feel better. These two women have seen the changes in me and have supported my body, mind, and spirit through the work I've done. I couldn't have come this far without their help.

In the past year I have confronted the changes in my life and found ways to adapt. I have learned to bite my tongue so I don't ask questions of or offer advice to my children, at least not as often as I used to. I've applied for jobs to work with homelessness, hospice, health care, hunger, research, policy, and ethics. And each time it didn't happen I thought that there was probably a good reason so I found other things to do. There are two possibilities floating around now, and I need to summon the energy to follow up. It's easier to not know than to hear again that it's not going to work out.

Ken is trying to be supportive. I know he loves me. He tells me I am his best friend. The difference is that he has a job he likes and people to talk to all day long. Ken works hard and provides well for this family. His job has been a priority for 22 years. Over the years his work has involved travel, and there were many evenings he was not home. I would ask if he could be present for an event or occasion, and his reply would be, "I will be there if I'm home." The children and I learned to manage. I knew I had to be available 24/7. It was always okay with the kids because, "Dad has a job and he has to work." In the beginning I told Ken everything that happened while he was gone. Once I was back in school, and later working, there was less time to catch up and more time needed to deal with all that was going on. I once explained to a woman that Ken often worked out of town for days at a time, and she asked me if each week-end was like a honeymoon. I tried to control the look on my face, but her response of "Oh, I guess not" said it all.

Ken never worried about the kids or the house. He knew I would take care of whatever needed to be done. I became self-sufficient. If I couldn't fix something, I found someone who could. It felt good to be able to rely on myself. It didn't feel good that I couldn't rely on my husband to be there if I needed him. We have often talked about that. I have been honest about the changes that created for me in our relationship, and Ken was willing to accept the trade-off. We still love each other and have figured out how to make life together work for more than 30 years. We have more time to talk these days but less to talk about....

I have friends, most of whom are in different parts of the country. And I know people are busy. I haven't given up looking for a team, whatever form that may take. In the meantime I feel isolated. I feel a connection with women whose blogs I have started reading, but they "live in the computer." I am grateful when people respond to this blog with an email, phone call, or comment.

I know there are other women out there going through what I am. It's not something we talk about because the books tell us how to do this right, so we should be able to follow the steps. The women I see on television "find themselves" with a few days at a spa or a head-to-toe make-over. I'm happy for them. What about the rest of us? I want to keep my gray hair and my husband. My favorite clothes are hand-me-downs from my daughter and pieces I've bought on clearance. So what does that say about me? And if giving birth to myself meant that I had someone to take care of me round-the-clock, that would be great ~ I have often said I'd like to have a car mechanic, IT specialist, gourmet cook, and personal shopper at my beck and call. Would they also be my friend and help me discover my purpose? No? I didn't think so.

So the journey continues. And I have laundry to do....

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

man this post hits home for me, I have been reading mommy blogs since November when my Mother in law passed away (I was her primary caregiver.) she was one of my best friends.I have felt lost since