One Step Forward

My car has been acting funny so I took her into the shop today. Turns out she needed new plugs and an alternator, so it was an all-day ordeal. While I waited, my daughter let me hang out at her house, aka my old house, where I can always find something to keep me occupied. Over the years I painted or papered every room, most more than once. The house no longer feels like home, but it still feels familiar.

Today I thought about what else in my life feels familiar and how unwilling I have been to let go of the old to make room for the new. Throughout the day I gently asked myself what I am afraid of. I didn't belabor the point or wait for an answer. I kept myself busy with physical tasks and tried to keep the thinking to a minimum.

Then I walked two and a half miles to retrieve my car. I was grateful my legs could carry me that far. I thought about a time when I wasn't able to count on my body to do what I needed it to do and how that led me to start massage therapy. I saw the same therapist for four years, until she moved out of state. I learned that my mind and body are connected, and treatment of one affects the other. During one particularly emotional session she said to me, "There are no victims here." Those words came to me today as I walked.

I am not a victim of circumstances or of anyone else's decisions. I am responsible for my life and have made choices that made sense at each point along the way. I can only be where I am right now. My fear is that I will disrupt the balance of my life if I follow through with what I want to do. I have been spinning in place, putting off moving forward because I do not know what will happen. There is no way I can know what will happen. My planning abilities are no help now.

My body is sending messages loud and clear. The hot flashes, night sweats, anxiety attacks, and racing thoughts are signals that I am ignoring what I know in an attempt to maintain the status quo. I feel much better on the days that I go with my gut and ignore the negative voice in my head. To paraphrase Eckhart Tolle, I can't think myself out of a problem or into a purpose. Those things have to come from within.

As long as I keep shutting myself down I will continue to feel lost and the physical symptoms will rule. If I want to get on the other side of this I need to get out of my own way, one step at a time.