The Past Is Passed

Last fall a friend recommended a book she was reading. It was first published in 1999 and came out in paperback in 2004. I had heard the title but had never picked it up. I was at an extremely low point and was looking for all the help I could get, so I bought the book. It is not an exaggeration to say that book, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, changed my life.

He had my attention from the moment he mentioned his lifetime of anxiety and depression. Then he followed with the words, "It feels now as if I am talking about some past lifetime or somebody else's life" (p. 3). I was intrigued. I kept reading.

The first turning point came for me on page 61, where Eckhart writes, "All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence" [I added italics for emphasis]. I underlined each and every word, drew boxes around the phrases, and then marked the entire paragraph. How did he know? He had listed all the emotions that were tumbling through my mind, constantly jockeying for position and pushing each other out of the way for a place at the forefront. It was a vicious cycle ~ I would get a handle on one emotion only to have it replaced with the next dysfunctional feeling waiting in line. Eckhart hit all the highpoints of negativity, and it sounded like he had conquered the beast. I was willing to give his ideas a chance. I had nothing to lose.

I took his words to heart. I found if I focused on the present moment, I was able to let go of my fears about the future. When my mind kicked in I held it at bay with the reasoning that the future wasn't here yet and I could think about it later. I battled my mind with my thinking, which was flawed on so many levels, but it got me out of the thinking spiral until I felt stronger.

Not thinking about the past was a much larger challenge. I had over 50 years of past to let go. My ego liked the identity I had constructed over those years: the guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, and bitterness fed my image of myself, kept me small and sure that I could never be the person I wanted to be. By December I realized I was in a battle with my ego for the future of my life. The more I was able to stay present, the less depressed and anxious I felt.

What did that say about who I was for 50 years? Did that person not matter? Did she not have anything to offer? Did she do everything wrong? These are the questions of a thinking mind that does not want to stay present. These questions speak to why I stayed in the same thinking place for so long ~ that place validated who I was. I thought I needed to keep doing what I had always done because that's who I thought I was. The problem is that if I do what I've always done I will get what I've always gotten. I want the second half of my life to reflect who I am now.

The second turning point came for me, also compliments of Eckhart Tolle, when I read these words in A New Earth ~ "Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?" (p. 141). When I first read those words, it was like I was reading a foreign language. I had no point of reference, and it was only through continued reading and reflecting on the words that I could begin to make sense of them. I interpreted them to mean "that was then, this is now." I began to accept that I did the best I could with what I had. I did better as I knew better, and I made changes along the way.

The biggest change I have made is to accept where I am now. I have decided to make choices based on who I am today. I will make choices that fit who I am, not who others think I am or who I used to be. I will only be able to live this way if I stay present, and staying present is the first step in awakening to my life's purpose.