Holding It In

I have been holding my stomach in for 25 years.  

In my lifetime I have felt the best physically when I was pregnant or breastfeeding.  My body knew how to be pregnant.  Breastfeeding came as naturally, with the bonus of knocking off any gained "baby" weight lickity split.  I moved from regular clothes into maternity clothes, and then I went right back into regular clothes.  I have never taken that for granted.

Being able to maintain my weight has been the one bright spot in being me.  I am an average woman ~ height, size, build, looks.  There is nothing remarkable about me.  My dark hair used to set me apart, but that didn't come without its drawbacks, as in dark hair all over my body.  As a girl I wore knee socks with shorts, until I became a teenager and begged my mom to let me shave my legs.  I learned to pluck eyebrows at an early age - the unibrow had to go.  By my mid 30's my dark hair was streaked with gray so that one distinction came to an end.

I had my youngest son when I was 31, almost 32.  He weaned himself when he was not quite a year old.  I had heard stories about how women's figures started to spread in their 30's.  I was determined that would not be me.  It was at 32 that I made it a practice to hold my stomach in.  It became second nature so I haven't thought about it in many years.

I have always been active.  I don't sit for hours at a time, as I get up periodically, and I never pass up an opportunity to run up or down the stairs at home or anywhere.  I am a walker.  I'm also lucky that I have a metabolism that works well.  Or at least it did until menopause.

For eight years what I eat has mattered.  That I stay active has been necessary.  I have gained a few pounds but not so anyone else would notice.  My clothes still fit.  When pants get the least bit tight I back off the carbs and sweets, and until this year that has always been enough.  This year it has been tougher to stay on top of keeping my shape.  Part of it has been the accumulated years of changes in hormones, and part of it has been that when I feel down I crave sweets and carbs and a bit of wine at dinner sure does help....

This situation was part of the reason I returned to acupuncture treatments.  I know when my system is out of whack, and I am there now.  My next appointment is this Friday.

The other thing that has happened is that massage therapy has been working muscles deeper and deeper.  Ten days ago the target areas were my thighs, lower back, and hips.  Any changes in one area affect other areas, throughout the whole body really.  Last week my legs were sore, and all the driving didn't help.  The leg muscles are connected to the abdominal muscles....

This weekend I noticed how sore my abdomen was.  In the middle of the night last night I envisioned all kinds of mysterious things that might be wrong as I tried to get back to sleep.  I just had a physical and no red flags were raised, but that's a hard argument to make at 3 a.m. when your body can't get comfortable.  I had friends coming today for coffee so I had to get up and moving or I might have stayed in bed once I found an accommodating position.

My visitors today were the "Crafty Ladies," so  named because we get together every couple months to visit and work on our projects, knitting or embroidery or sewing.  We all live in Bowdoinham and met today at my house, the first time all five of us have been together for months.  The other four women are well into their 70's, still active and interesting and fun to spend time with. 

When everyone left I breathed out a sigh and realized I was feeling a bit better.  My chest has been tight for weeks but feels better when my focus is elsewhere and when I remember to breathe.  Apparently I had been breathing all day.  Then, for some reason I can't explain, I relaxed every muscle in my body, even my stomach muscles.

An amazing thing happened ~ my ribs opened and relaxed and my abdomen didn't feel sore.  I have been holding my stomach in for so long that I forgot what it felt like to relax those muscles.  I tried not to think about how I looked, stomach relaxed, but to focus on how I felt.  All evening I went back and forth - holding in and relaxing - and the relief from discomfort still surprises me.

It might have been laughing with friends, or being in the company of older women who are comfortable with who they are, or being tired of feeling sore ~ whatever it was that caused me to do it I am glad I was able to let go.

I think my body is tired of holding it in ~