Feel My Heart Beat

I saw my doctor today to check the progress with my right shoulder. My last appointment was December 29, when she spent the entire time "working" on my head. Everything is connected so I never know ahead of time what part of my body will get her attention.

Today the doctor started with my shoulders, moved to my lower back, then to my head, chest, and arms. While she worked we talked...about how I've been feeling, what has been going on in my life, and what the different parts of my body have to "say."

She said the tendinitis in my shoulder is better. She has been drawn to my chest before, where she found arthritis in my sternum, the breastbone. Today she worked the area in the center of my chest for several minutes, saying there is something deep in the bone, something that has been there for a long time. She asked if I had regrets, and we talked about that. I told her that emotions have been surfacing, and she said that's a good thing. I felt much better after the appointment.

Afterward I thought about what we talked about while I ran errands and made the drive home. My sternum protects my heart. It has been protecting my heart for more than fifty years. I don't remember a time as a child when I could safely expose my heart. Love was conditional. Anxiety was a constant companion. My heart has been closed for a very long time, and I didn't know because I didn't know anything different.

Then over the years I have done the work I needed to do, peeling back one thin layer at a time. My body often leads the way, showing my mind there is work to be done and giving my spirit a chance to catch up. Bit by bit, through my neck and hips and knees and back and shoulders, I have come to know myself better, slowly growing in acceptance of who I am.

Internal resistance has been strong, at times so forceful that progress needed to stop so my body and mind could rest. I learned to accept even that. I learned to wait until it was safe to go on.

Now I am at the most difficult, deepest layer of all, my heart, the part of me I have been protecting since before I knew what I was doing. My spirit knows it is time and has led me to people who can support and help me. My body knows it is time and is providing the pathways for healing.

Yes, there is something deeply buried in my chest. My doctor felt it today; my massage therapist felt it months ago; my spirit has been preparing me for this discovery for years.

I feel surprisingly calm about all of this, as if this is naturally the next step and everything will unfold in due time.

Today when I got home, with seemingly little effort, I ran the vacuum, moved the new bookcase to the nearest wall, finished the ironing, put the laundry away, had biscuits with a glass of chardonnay for dinner, and prepared packages and cards to mail tomorrow.

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement. Every day is a new day. Each day is a fresh start.